This forum is for autistic and asperger adults. Here, we can speak of issues we meet as adults. This forum is open only to those on the autism spectrum.
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Latest 4/14/09 by MrFids
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Thank you for this new and beautiful post. I have not been online for a long time, so I only just had the chance to read it.
I cannot imagine a joy more profound than to know that the person that I love is aware of how I feel and happy to receive what I offer.
I am sure that you made your beautiful wife the happiest person in the world and that her days were warm and full and perfect.
I am starting my day with a swell of joy, just having read your words.
Much move to you!
Thanks for your morale boost!
Our relationship was built on love, growth & becoming a single entity, one spirit alive in 2 humans and it was a wonder filled 32 year. We wished more than anything else that what we became would have a viral effect on those we encountered, that they could find the peace, joy and love that we shared, the experience did impact others & I am told we did change aspect of their lives so there was success there as well.
Now I am a bit hollow, lost and empty...having so much for so long and having it end the way it did w/o warning was devastating. We discussed this possibility several times over the years & arrived at the conclusion that there would be someone better than each of us out there & that who ever was left alone would be wise to find a better person to take the lost ones place, because I was older we both assumed it would be she who would be the survivor. We had plenty of single male friends who we both expected to "step up to the plate & make the play", which gave both of us comfort & security. As it happened the opposite occurred w/o the single women in our universe......
It is only now that I realize how hard it is to find someone practical, intelligent and willing to give of themselves in the amount & manner that she did, which is discouraging, depressing & painful to come to terms with. I am sure that time will change that but I have begun to accept that this may be an expectation that is unrealistic.
Maybe I had a once in a lifetime"angel", it is hard to believe that this is true with the millions of people in this country but as my clock tics away I feel pressed to adopt an outlook & lifestyle that is based on the NOW rather than the SHOULD BE.
She was such a wonderful companion, teacher and guide I may be fooling myself that there could be or is a equal able to accept me for what I am and what I can offer.
Life is such a marvelous opportunity to learn, love & engage, with or without a companion and I just need to move on with my memories & attributes intact.
Since she has gone, my financial security has vanished, she was always the breadwinner, and in that vein I have filed for SSDI and today was my 1st encounter with a Physician who assessed my abilities & potentials....it was a very deflating experience to come to terms with reality & my perceptions of my attributes. My wife evidently was giving more than I had come to believe when it came to making my life seem normal & productive, I have suddenly had to accept that I am not as capable as I had assumed I was in many practical areas and it scares me a bit to find out just how deficient I actually am...I need to make some major adjustments in my life in order to maintain my independence & direction.
Life is wonderful but reality bites BIG!!
A piece of my heart to you & my best wishes for more and better than I presently am experiencing....once again thank you so much for your kind words and the encouragement I extracted from them, you and the good people on this forum have made this experience tolerable & given me hope and stability.....to all of you, your efforts are appreciated from the depths of my spirit, I am always moved to tears by the kindness demonstrated and offered by each of you, may God bless you as he has blessed me a dozen times over.
Wow. Ummm. Rather speechless. I was on this forum back when your wife had the stroke and read as you panicked... grew stronger... and was here as she improved.
I was away and came back to find this update and just read it to my dear husband sitting at the table next to me reading the newspaper.
I am sorry for your loss.
It's so nice to have people like you write the things that you do.
I need them, they make me smile & warm my heart, & lord knows it needs warming, there hasn't been a Marcy to warm it now in 3 months....today was the date 3 months ago when she had to go back home. My last words to her, as I held her in my arms in the middle of the street were..."let go Baby, THIS time the damage is too great for you to survive, the Lord needs you & you have to let go of me, don't worry...I'll make it without you, I'll be OK, go home and let go NOW don't try to hang on any longer". My last words to her were the promise that I would & could make it thru the ordeal & life and keeping that promise has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It has also been the greatest learning experience of my life! I KNOW she rests easy now and I also know she is with the Lord & there, there is no suffering or anguish only love & peace I do my level best to share that inner peace with her every day. I would have rather lost my legs & my only eye than to have lost her, she wasn't just a wife & lover, best friend, companion & equal...she facilitated my life so that I could function as close to"normal" as possible..she kept ALL the loose ends in my life tied tight & she guided me thru each & every day in her own special quiet way...I cannot remember a complaint from her about my failings. When I had an episode she would tolerate it and then when it was over we both moved on as swiftly as possible to get back on an even keel. When I say that we were married in order to become ONE SPIRIT, I mean it in EVERY way possible, I have never known another married couple who engaged as deeply & precisely as we did...we were like to gears and over time we lost the need for the"oil" that 2 gears need to keep friction from burning them up, for every gap I had she filled it as quickly and automatically as possible and I tried to return the action whenever I saw the need or when ever I wanted to make life special for her.
I sometimes feel now like she was an actual Angel sent to facilitate or make whole, my chaotic misdirected life.
I filed for SSDI soon after she left, now there was no one to support me. Yes I can make a few dollars but working full time or even part time on a daily basis is out of the question so I was forced into facing REALITY ALONE.
It IS damned scary!
One of the occurrences that just took place was my SSDI "mental acuity assessment" a grinding 4-1/2 hour ordeal, taking 20-30 "tests" of all types, mostly memory things.
I have known for 30 years that I am not normal & that my abilities to function are severely defective....but at the end of that session I was flat out in a stupor because it had become all to painfully obvious to me just how badly I do function. With Marcy around to fill the gaps I became trapped in "the good life" because she facilitated so much for me... now after the testing it hit me like a train @ 90mph, just how much she did for me and just how deficient I really am w/o her. It made me want to use "the 12guage binoculars" and go be with her ASAP. I called a lifelong friend who happens to be a now retired HS Principle, (Marcy's stroke had caused him to realize that life IS too short & he left to enjoy the remainder of his!) I told him to be prepared to receive a call informing him that I was going to need a guardian because I had failed all of those tests so miserably. He reminded me of ALLTHE SKILLS & abilities I DO HAVE, how well I can function AND of my final promise to Marcy. I can live w/o her as long as I can control the situations I involve myself in and as long as I stay calm & focused. I cannot stress enough just how valuable deep lasting & real friends can help, he knows my strengths & weakness's and he has know all of our lives that I am not normal in every respect. He knows that sometimes I am FAR above the average in some aspects and that I am a total failure in others.
I have a total of 6 friends in the whole world whom I can count on and those 6 have helped to arrive at the place & position in life that I am today, it is by seeing myself thru THEIR EYES that I have been able to make it this far (2 weeks shy of 59) and my debt to them and to people like yourself is immeasurable. Without the kind and guiding words I receive from all of you & them I would actually function like the bag of shit that I am inside.
To tell you the truth, I wait like a puppy for it's master for someone like yourself to make a comment about what I write & the ability to be so honest & deep in my thoughts & expressing them thru things like I have posted here, it gives me the will to continue.
I want EVERYONE to have the chance to LEARN for my experiences so that when the time comes for anyone, they can draw from the well that I have, without having to pay the price that I have,.
This is the only way I know of to repay all that has been done for me by so many people whom I will never see or meet, the people who have been honest & caring enough to be touched by one of the few things that I am good at. The satisfaction I derive from missives like yours helps ease the pain & it warms my heart all the way to the bottom.
Thanks Naomi....you helped make this day a great one!
...excuse me now
...I have to go back to being a bag of shit standing on my head in a corner.
6 good friends? That's more than most people have. Is that all at one time!??
You have an incredible skill with words. You also have had to look deep into yourself. You are self-deprecating which isn't always bad, but right now it is on the side of outright depression, which is quite understandable.
Life has taught you lessons that we rebel against learning, yet our faces get shoved into those lesson anyway. Life has caused you to be introspective and you learned a lot.
But you articulate those lessons - apply them in your contemplative replies on this forum.
We are complex beings. The tests given measured an area of competency in which you are deficient. We are ALL deficient -- just in different areas. You excel in the area of deep thought and humanity. That and $5 will buy you a cup of coffee. That's your immediate problem - you excel in ways that do not help you negotiate the financial and complex bureaucratic part of living on this planet.
I honestly understand wanting to look into that type of binoculars. But you have a long way to go before you are even allowed to consider it as an option. Life is too precious.
Yes, 6 of them all at once, it only took 58 years to find & maintain them & I consider the sum proof that I am deficient in that regard too, of course I didn't mention the 9 or 10 who died as a result of their own desire to do so or the accidents that took them.
You're are correct that my best skills aren't worth the time of day or the cup of coffee. Humanity & compassion like shame have become worthless in todays "survival society".
My life only has value in that it allows for experience that has an effect on my spirit or soul or that of people like yourself.
I am of the belief that we carry the sum of our experiences, within our spirit, on to the next form of existence.
That is to say that ALL experience is stored in our brains in NEURONS, which function (process & store ALL experience) by electrical impulses.
When one "expires" the electrical impulses do NOT just stop, they LEAVE the body, Faraday proved this prior to 1850. Upon the death of ANY living thing, the electrical energy contained within immediately leaves in a single burst & it travels (just like sunlight) out and away from its source.
Where does it travel to?
Just like light (or radio waves) emitted from any source in the universe, it travels to the end/edge of the universe where we lose track (or perception)of it.
As it happens, HEAVEN is outside of our (physical) universe.
I happen to think we, as humans, place far too much emphasis on "life" & far too little on the energy that sustains it, and it is that energy that is permanent, that is to say, as Einstein put it, you cannot destroy matter or energy, you can only alter its present state.
So does my existence have any more value than that of a housefly or a dog?
Only if I believe that my "experiences" do, and I doubt that they do.
I have had dogs who demonstrated many times more empathy than a large segment of humanity does!
SO....the only wise thing to do is to continue to live for as long as we are able to sustain life and I continue to try and sustain mine everyday, to the best of my total ability.
That I pay attention to experience and analyze it and articulate it only further isolates me from society, they do not have time or desire to devote themselves to understanding... especially when they are focused on politics or Brittany Spears or making money to buy things to impress people they don't have the time or desire to know or respect.
Of course I am self-depreciating it isn't depression it is just reality, the reality that I have no worth to society as a whole, only to people like you who recognize my unique predicament & have the capacity to sympathize, which in fact makes you one of the best kind of friend....
Now I have 7.
May GOD bless you for it.
He did not create life for ME, it was created for WE, thanks for allowing me to be part of you. That alone increases my value to myself & serves to sustain me.
I wanted to post something that was sent by a friend to help guide me thru the healing time since Marcy died,. There have been several really good days and as many or more terrible one, most are below the centerline of emotion and with that and every other responsibility that I suddenly had to deal with on my own CONFUSION seemed to become a major factor to deal with. Then this little story arrived and it REALLY helped me organize my life again better than I had been over the last 3 months.
See if it has an effect on how you see things.....
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Beers
>>> When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
>>> when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
>>> remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
>>> A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
>>> some items in front of him. When the class began, he
>>> wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
>>> and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
>>> students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
>>> The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
>>> them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles
>>> rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then
>>> asked the students again if the jar was full.
>>> They agreed it was.
>>> The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it
>>> into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything
>>> else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
>>> The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'
>>> The professor then produced two Beers from under the
>>> table and poured the entire contents into the jar
>>> effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The
>>> students laughed.
>>> 'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I
>>> want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
>>> The golf balls are the important things---your family, your
>>> children, your health, your friends and your favorite
>>> passions---and if everything else was lost and only they
>>> remained, your life would still be full.
>>> The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
>>> job, your house and your car.
>>> The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you
>>> put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no
>>> room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for
>>> life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small
>>> stuff you will never have room for the things that are
>>> important to you.
>>> 'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
>>> happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with
>>> your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get
>>> medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play
>>> another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and
>>> fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls
>>> first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
>>> The rest is just
>>> One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the
>>> Beer represented.
>>> The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
>>> The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your
>>> life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers
>>> with a friend.'
I hope you found this helpful like I did.
I got a jar and filled it just as the Professor did,
and I put it on the kitchen table as a constant/daily reminder of my priorities
and I also found out that it tends to warm my heart as well!
My best to all of you who have followed this thread....I wish that we could stay in closer & more frequent contact.