Fools speak with certainty , wise men speak with Doubt

Trevor Noah

• “When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine.”

• “If he dated you for more than 3 years, slept with you countless times & now he’s asking for a break up, break his neck. God will understand.”

• “If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.”

• “Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don’t blame Bruce Jenner at all.”

•  “Does America really need to the best at everything? You already dominate the world in economics, military power and obesity.”

•  “Flying has been particularly stressful for me in the recent months. Flying into America has been the worst. You go through different lines, there’s extra checks. Especially if you come from what they consider a high-risk Ebola region, which apparently is the whole continent – we’re all coughing on each other in one big hut.”

•  “The credits from the second Godfather are better than Godfather III.”

•  “Maybe we need to change who gets the Nobel Peace Prize, and when. Because so many people have won the prize and they’ve benefitted from all of its prestige, and then they’ve gone on to not be peaceful. Like, maybe we should only give the Nobel Peace Prize to people after their career is over and they’ve passed away, right? It’s at the end. We can call it the “Rest in Peace Prize.” Then we know you’re not gonna surprise us, you’re not gonna hurt anyone. Unless someone trips on your grave.”

Bill Hicks

• “If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.”

• “If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.”

• “Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?”

• “I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.”

•  “Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once? ‘Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.'”

•  “It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?”

Sounds like our gyms and cable companies

Feeding time!

Hey Pav!

I've definitely done exercises 2, 3 and 4.

Step 5 is less of a daily exercise and more of a way of life.

Eddie Izzard

• “If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid.”

•  “Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. ‘In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal…one horse threw a shoe came in third…the duck was ninth… which is odd, because only five ran.'”

•  “I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

•  “I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.”

•  “If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!”

• “And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.”

•  “There’s two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!”

•  “So I’ve learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you’re very religious, then it’s not 4500 million years old, it’s 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.”

•  “Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.”

•  “I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in beeees!”