Well that was quite a delivery!

Robin Williams

• “Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.”

•  “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

•  “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

•  “Cricket is basically baseball on valium.”

•  “Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!”

• “If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”

•  “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

•  “Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: ‘You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.’ Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, ‘It’s five o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.'”

•  “I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”

•  “I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… a large Arctic region covered with ice.”

Latest of the "Now that's what I call music" CD's issued in the UK

Rodney Dangerfield

• “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”

• “I came from a real tough neighbourhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”

• “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

• “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

• “I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”

All I see is "image preview".

Can you try again?

Dylan Moran

• “What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can’t even walk straight.”

• “I can’t swim. I can’t drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

•  “I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I’m not expecting it.”

•  “It’s easy to smile when you have a squirrel’s intellect.”

• “I don’t have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.”

•  “I’m a vegetarian, well I’m not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I’m not too good!”

•  “I’m a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It’s amazing I’m here at all.”

•  “It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you’re actually a doctor working at an incubator.”

•  “You’re supposed to eat the cows. They’re great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them.”