Coalition of the Confused

Hosted by Jenifer (Zarknorph)

Confused malcontents swilling Chardonnay while awaiting the Zombie Apocalypse.

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Comic Relief   The Lounge

Started 7/25/17 by Jenifer (Zarknorph); 178199 views.
Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Feb-11

Lifes Helpful Hints    Great advice
GENERAL
Never take a beer to a job interview
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. 
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
...[Message truncated]
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CC to Harold27Z
PTG (anotherPTG)

From: PTG (anotherPTG)

Feb-18

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. 

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: 

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? 

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. 


Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers. 


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? 

A. Only a smidgen of it. 


Q. What is the purpose of this payment? 

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

  High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. 


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? 

A. Shut up. 


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: 


* If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will go to China, Vietnam or Sri Lanka .. 


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. 


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India ,Taiwan or  China ....


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to China, India, Peru.....  

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . 

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan 

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. 

Instead, keep the money in Australia by: 

1) Spending it at  garage  sales, or

2) Going to footy games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 

4) Beer or 

5) Tattoos. 

(These are just about the only Australian businesses still operating in OZ.) 

Conclusion: 

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage sale and drink beer all day ! 


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Feb-18

You deserve a salary ! or a management bonus.stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes

Msg 97.1571 and the next 1 deleted
ramseylurker

From: ramseylurker

Feb-20

Di (amina046) said...

 

 

I used to try to keep them on the line as long as possible. Here's an old post of mine from January 30, 2003.

Welcome to the club! I also try to keep them on the line as long as possible. Especially phone companies trying to get me to buy their long distance services. They are very insistent, so I have them check on the rates to Colombia (this always takes them a long time). Then I tell them that we use calling cards to call Colombia. They ask me how much that we pay each month for calling cards to call Colombia. I tell them about $5 per card, three cards per week X 4 weeks comes out to about $60 per month. Of course, the telemarketer is shocked by how much we pay, and informs me that they can save us a lot of money. I ask how much I will save. They ask me how many minutes we talk to Colombia each month. I tell them that each card has 90 minutes X 3 X 4 = 1,080 minutes per months, or 18 hours per month. Then they calculate how much I will pay. Usually at least 10 times what the cards give, seemingly not noticing that the $600-$1000 or so per month is more that what we are currently paying. When I point it out to them, they point out that we still might save money on other long distance calls. So they ask me about what other calls we make. I tell them about my wife's friend in Somalia, or is it Chad? Please check on the prices for both, just in case... 

Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Feb-20

I do not have your patience! LOL

ramseylurker

From: ramseylurker

Feb-20

Di (amina046) said...

I do not have your patience! LOL

Well, I don't either, any more. That was 17 years ago. There was a time (back in the 1980s) when calling up Jerry Fallwell's number whenever it flashed on the TV screen and asking whoever answered where I can buy some Gold Kugerrands was my idea of fun. Today, as an old man, it would be way too much stress for me.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_Falwell_Sr.#Apartheid

Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Feb-20

That is very funny though! I might just give this a tryLOL however I will change it to Bitcoin, I doubt that today any would even know about Kruger rands.

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