HAH!!

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“The Washington Post”

Once again “The Washington Post” has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are: 

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

- Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

- Cashtration (n.):   The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

- Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

- Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

- Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

- Karmageddon (n):  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right?   And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

- Glibido (v):  All talk and no action.

- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

- Caterpallor (n.):  The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

-  Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

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(Edited to a larger font)

They are great!

- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Best one.

I think we have quite a bit of sarchasm in here. 

I knew I was doing something right!

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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

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To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

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Age 60 might be thenew 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

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It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

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When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

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I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

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I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

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If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

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I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

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I run like the winded.

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I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

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I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

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When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

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Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

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Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

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My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. *******************

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I would like to add:

When I wake up in the morning I wonder how long it'll be before something pisses me off.