When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Age 60 might be thenew 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I run like the winded.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. *******************

**************

 

I would like to add:

When I wake up in the morning I wonder how long it'll be before something pisses me off.

I resemble those remarks.

Remember, if somebody sneezes, be sure to say, "Bless you. And thank God you're wearing a mask." 

Di (amina046) said:

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

So true!

I know, I have a few.

I have a collection!

And a LOT of odd socks.

Yesss!