Yes, the one we've all been waiting for: The Darwin Award 2000.
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who
provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by
getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
As always, competition this year has been keen. Some
candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through
an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally
jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff during his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers
said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, and had been sitting
in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA,
as he fell face-first through the ceiling of the bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the
base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick
Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet
Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could
not penetrate the flackvest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in
Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would
not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and
pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision,
thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, OK, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet
ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez
in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to
clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in
favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the
first and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ,
in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a
quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While
driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but
apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
MORE ALSO RANS
- Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several
friends when one of them said they knew a person who had
bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of
traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30am. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg
and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40
feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river
water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say,"
said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that
night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot
was never located.
AND THE WINNER: 1. PADERBORN, GERMANY
Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses
of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and
prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators
say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the Ailing
elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the
elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the
ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious
as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,"
said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With
no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at
least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time
he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents
FAITH IS THE ONLY THING THAT CANNOT BE TAKEN FROM US; FAITH MUST BE RELINQUISHED.
DUME UPRIGHT--BOND GIRL EXTRAORDINAIRE!