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LifeRing Recovery: a self-help alternative for recovery from alcoholism and other chemical dependency. Group support for abstinence from alcohol and “drugs” by empowering the sober self within you. Completely secular: no prayers, Higher Powers or Steps.

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Rae returning    Sobriety/Recovery Journals

Started 6/17/08 by Rae (raeanne50); 34502 views.
MJK (MJK2111)

From: MJK (MJK2111)

6/20/08

Congratulations, Rae, on your sobriety. I hope you succeed this time around, however you might define success!

 

Good luck,

Mike

Rae (raeanne50)

From: Rae (raeanne50)

6/20/08

Hello Mike and you other folks,

Day nine today and its going well.Its early afternoon,the skies are clearing up and the sun is coming out. I have big plans for the afternoon. Going to train and play with my puppy, plant a few things, do battle with my grape vine,sit by the pond and try to read a book,( gee that would be nice.. to be able to read again..),and just generally putter about outside.

On one level, I feel all pleased and proud of myself but on a darker deeper level, I have great fears. I have no trust in myself in the long term,no matter how good I feel now. Sooner or later,that crazy, all powerful thing switches on in my brain and I drink again..I stuff down the sadness and disappointment and disgust and grief, and commence down into darkness world again,the one where nothing else happens and nothing else matters.

I have to have hope and faith in myself as well as determination. I have the determination but fear its not going to be enough for me to sustain this precious sobriety.

But.. I'm not going to dwell on that.I'm going to continue enjoying each minute of sobriety and keep on being busy doing things I love. Its worked for nine days so far !

Hopefully, Rae

Kat (katkins7)

From: Kat (katkins7)

6/20/08

Hi Rae

It has taken a few of my sober weeks to start reading again but it helps relaxation. I know those dark thoughts and fer too but I think fear of where I'll end up if I start to drink again overcomes that. As Jerry has said, I fear going back to it will end up a whole lot worse this time.

Congratulations on day 9, double figures tomorrow! (As you'll find out, I'm the complulsive counter on the forum!!)

Rae (raeanne50)

From: Rae (raeanne50)

6/20/08

Hi Kat,

I'm glad you're a compulsive counter because sometimes I get the # of days confused and have to check a calender again..

First day of sobriety: june 12/08.

having some anxieties and generally out of sorts today,tired, but feeling good about myself too.

Rae

x (1074michael1)

From: x (1074michael1)

6/21/08

On one level, I feel all pleased and proud of myself but on a darker deeper level, I have great fears... Sooner or later,that crazy, all powerful thing switches on in my brain and I drink again..I stuff down the sadness and disappointment and disgust and grief, and commence down into darkness world again,the one where nothing else happens and nothing else matters.

Hi Rae,

Addiction to alcohol can lead us to believe that we have two selves, or that the self consists of several independent parts, or that there is a little beast inside us who can take over at any time. This may be an accurate representation of how we feel, but we are, each of us, just one person, one self, albeit addicted to alcohol.

If we refrain from drinking long enough, the need to drink subsides, and all those extraneous entities in the mind seem to disappear. That's why the DDNMW mantra is so useful at the beginning.

Stay with it.

Michael

mkh106

From: mkh106

6/21/08

but fear its not going to be enough for me to sustain this precious sobriety.

rae, i agree . fear is not enough. nor, in my "new" opinion, is determination. i think it might take a reason, something that for you makes it worth your while to go through some hardship of beginning sobriety in order to have ongoing sobriety.

for me, i can say it's that i really really want to be a sober person. i have no concrete"i'm doing it for health reasons, or because it's costing too much, or because so-and-so is gonna leave me...". or, to put it differently: i couldn't stand being the drunk i had become .we all know THAT self-disgust, i think.

I have no trust in myself in the long term,no matter how good I feel now.

well, it's kind of hard , isn't it, to trust that this time you will do what you haven't done before. rob once wrote to somone about how to have 100% confidence even when you're not so sure, but i can't remember how that went, so maybe he'll share that idea again with us.

keep going, rae.

margit

Rae (raeanne50)

From: Rae (raeanne50)

6/21/08

Hi Michael,

It really does feel like there is a demon inside me when these compulsions to drink envelop me. So far this time I've haven't had cravings, just periods of anxiety throughout the day that come and go.

However I've been very careful.. I have't had visitors in these past 10 days because I needed to detox alone. But now I'm getting lonely so going out today to visit a friend.

I was delighted yesterday to discover that I can read again if I do it slowly. I've really missed reading; its been my thing all my life but with the booze, it too went by the wayside.

I was sober for seven years once, from 1990-1997 and I can draw on that experience now. I'm remembering the things I used to do.. reading, playing piano, working with my plants, hanging out with sober friends... One by one these things are coming back to me. the rewards are enormous and I need to stay focussed on that.

Rae, 10 days clean and sober.

Rae (raeanne50)

From: Rae (raeanne50)

6/21/08

Hi Margit,

I will keep on going. I'm getting little rewards each day and feel so much better, both physically and emotionally.

Yesterday I told my 25 yr old dtr that I'd quit drinking. She was pleased but cautious. She's been down this road with me before and its hard on her. She had to visit me in hospital after a suicide attempt last summer, and once after I got drunk and totalled my car.. had some small injuries and because I hit the windshield, there was blood all over the car. It fell to her to get my stuff out of the car. She was angry and traumatized for quite awhile over that one. Don't blame her!

So embarking now on day 10; going to break my solitude and go visit some friends.. maybe even hit the library or a book store.

Hanging in, Rae

x (1074michael1)

From: x (1074michael1)

6/22/08

Hey Rae,

You mentioned in one of your posts that you wanted some time to yourself, away from your friends too. I think this a good idea. Many newly sober people are overly concerned with what their friends will think of them in their new sober persona. From my perspective, over 5 years on -- and I'm sure yours too, having been sober for a 7-year stretch -- the concern seems to underestimate the enormity of the change in store for them. Not only will many of the old crowd be left behind, attitudes towards socializing in general, towards entertainment and leisure time, and even towards time itself will change.

Hope you are enjoying your garden today.

Michael 

mkh106

From: mkh106

6/22/08

heya rae, you're at double-digits already! now it's more than you can count on two hands!

good going!

margit

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