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Just to visit, and not until the Covid thing is over.
You didn't miss much by not seeing Hamilton, it's mainly a steel factory town. Toronto, Ottawa, Quebec and Montreal are all wonderful, I could see moving to Montreal.
The who illness was much harder on my wife than it was on me. I was totally out of it for the first three days - couldn't remember seeing the doctor, couldn't remember the CAT scan I had. When I finally came around on the third day I had two wonderful nurses taking care of me. And then I started getting better very quickly. At one point, I told my wife about an "antenna coffee pot." That really freaked her out. I got to ride in an ambulance from the hospital to the rehab facility, and that was fun, I could look out the back window. The rehab facility had better food - I lost almost 20 pounds - and I looked forward to the physical therapy and made quick progress, which was very encouraging. I'm still not up to full strength and I have some shortness of breath, but on the whole I'm doing a lot better. What I would like to know is how I caught pneumonia.
Brian, that sounds tough and I can believe your wife got a fright! I fainted one night while trying to pour myself a glass of water in the kitchen, a burst of stomach pain and I keeled over unconscious. My partner didn't know whether to call for an ambulance but the nearest hospital is an hour away and probably wouldn't arrive before morning. I lay in bed delirious and vomiting for two days, no idea what was going on. Now the local doctors think many locals have been poisoned by E coli in drinking water, a polluted dam in the mountains.
But I am getting better, still weak and nervous about food, but able to do some editing work and potter around watering planters etc. We're nearly in spring. a lovely season here.
Take care and keep resting.
It was one year ago today I quit drinking, or at least began the sobriety process, ( two relapses along the way). I have learned so much. It's great to have a clear brain but it also reveals unpleasant truths about other people and their relationship to you as an alcoholic. AA is a prime example but they're not alone. Seems like mainstream agreement is that in every situation, the alcoholic is to blame. It's even written into laws. I understand about taking responsibility and making amends and all that..it's of huge value and must be done. But maybe, just maybe, I took on more than my fair share. I could waste time searching for proof to defend myself.. I almost did but then I stopped. I have no ability to change another's perceptions or memories.
We completed the pot harvest yesterday, an enormous relief since frost danger is coming any day now. Just us two women, both good at making an organized plan. Took about three hours. She took two and I kept four, but I remind her, it doesn't really matter where it's stored, we share. Neither of us smoke much, but she uses it to relieve pain so she can sleep better, and I enjoy it because senses are heightened and I can feel pleasure in everything I see, touch, smell..well not always pleasure, I can smell alcohol a block away.. I can smell someone who had a drink two days ago.
I'm sad because I'd like to be identified as more than an alcoholic. I paid my own way through college and university as a single parent with a daughter, ( the one who died when she was 17). Got a good job at the college, had a baby and supported both the baby, the teenager, and the spouse who disliked work. Paid for the spouse's education three times.. he finally got a job but didn't care for it so he quit. I kept my job and supported the family. I took out a small loan so my youngest dtr could go on a trip to europe.. paid for the best food, skiing and swimming lessons, piano and theatre, whatever she wanted.
But she loves Daddy. He still can't support himself so she gives him money.
"Baffled!" - that about sums up a lot of what I think about what is going on now. People are just baffling. No all the time, but quite often. Then again, maybe it's just me.
As for being an alcoholic, people like to blame other people. That's still common with most mental illnesses. It's getting better, but it's still there. I heard an interview with the chef David Chang, who is bipolar. They were talking about Anthony Bourdain, the chef who killed himself. The moderator said "how could this happen, he had it all, how could he be so depressed to kill himself?." David Chang said, think of it like this, how could this happen, he had it all, how could he get cancer, or have a heart attack or stroke? It's not a choice, many people don't understand that.
Keep plugging away, that's all you can do.
Rae, I agree with Brian -- you just have to persist and not let the negativity or unfairness get to you.
Sending you love and hoping the colours of Fall are beautiful where you are.
I've been watching Anthony Bourdain for a long time and grieved mightily when he died. But I was not shocked. Takes one to see one. I couldn't help but notice that he didn't drink just out of respect for whatever culture offered it.. no, he liked his drink. So a depressive illness, probably. I have that illness too. How to make it way worse, have that drink that will ease the pain for just a little while. I fight every day against that seduction.. suicide fantasies consume me.
Yes, it's often obvious watching people drink to tell who has a problem. There is a compulsion in the drinking that is hard to miss.
Have you considered taking antabuse. I took it for years and it did help. What is strange is that I never thought of drinking when I was taking it - I never had the idea of having a drink but didn't because of the antabuse. There was obviously something psychological going on there. I often thought if they just replaced that anatabuse with a placebo I wouldn't have noticed. I haven't taken it for a while now, but I still have the bottle in my medicine cabinet and see it everyday. I know it's there just in case.
On a completely different note: I just ate the last of my paw paws. They really do taste like a cross between a banana and a mango - with a custard texture. I planted the first tree almost 10 years ago and this is the first crop I've had. There may have been previous ones that I missed - the fruits grow on the inside of the tree so you don't see them just walking around it - you have to get in and under the branches to see them. I'll know to look next year. And the ones I have don't ripen until after a good frost. I'm going to plant some of the seeds - and then wait 5 to 10 years to see if they are male or female trees - only the females bear fruit.
Rae, is there anyone you can see professionally to help with the depression? Do stay here with us and keep posting, we're listening.
Brian, that hybrid variety sounds delicious. I saw images you posted and they look far more like mangoes than papayas. And the banana would make them creamy or custardy. In Kenya we used to get dozens of varieties of tropical bananas and the small finger-sized ones were best, even with black seeds.