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LifeRing Recovery: a self-help alternative for recovery from alcoholism and other chemical dependency. Group support for abstinence from alcohol and “drugs” by empowering the sober self within you. Completely secular: no prayers, Higher Powers or Steps.

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Rae returning    Sobriety/Recovery Journals

Started 6/17/08 by Rae (raeanne50); 34306 views.
cookly

From: cookly

Oct-18

It was one year ago today I quit drinking, or at least began the sobriety process, ( two relapses along the way). I have learned so much.  It's great to have a clear brain but it also reveals unpleasant truths about other people and their relationship to you as an alcoholic. AA is a prime example but they're not alone.  Seems like mainstream agreement is that in every situation, the alcoholic is to blame. It's even written into laws. I understand about taking responsibility and making amends and all that..it's of huge value and must be done. But maybe, just maybe, I took on more than my fair share. I could waste time searching for proof to defend myself.. I almost did but then I stopped.  I have no ability to change another's perceptions or memories. 

We completed the pot harvest yesterday, an enormous relief since frost danger is coming any day now. Just us two women, both good at making an organized plan. Took about three hours. She took two and I kept four, but I remind her, it doesn't really matter where it's  stored, we  share. Neither of us smoke much, but she uses it to relieve pain so she can  sleep better, and I enjoy it because  senses are heightened and I can feel pleasure in everything I see, touch, smell..well not always pleasure, I can smell alcohol a block away.. I can smell someone who had a drink two days ago.

I'm sad because  I'd like to be identified as more than  an alcoholic. I paid my own way through college and university as a single parent with a daughter, ( the one who died when she was 17).  Got a good job at the college, had a baby and supported both the baby, the teenager, and the  spouse who disliked work. Paid for the spouse's education three times.. he finally got a job but didn't care for it so he quit. I kept my job and supported the family.  I took out a small loan so my youngest dtr could go on a trip to europe.. paid for the best food, skiing and swimming lessons, piano and theatre, whatever she wanted. 

But she loves Daddy. He still can't support himself so she gives him money. 

Baffled ! 

Brian (BrianB125)

From: Brian (BrianB125)

Oct-19

"Baffled!" - that about sums up a lot of what I think about what is going on now.  People are just baffling.  No all the time, but quite often.  Then again, maybe it's just me.

As for being an alcoholic, people like to blame other people.  That's still common with most mental illnesses.  It's getting better, but it's still there.  I heard an interview with the chef David Chang, who is bipolar.  They were talking about Anthony Bourdain, the chef who killed himself.  The moderator said "how could this happen, he had it all, how could he be so depressed to kill himself?."  David Chang said, think of it like this,  how could this happen, he had it all, how could he get cancer, or have a heart attack or stroke?  It's not a choice, many people don't understand that.

Keep plugging away, that's all you can do.

Brian

MaryLouise3

From: MaryLouise3

Oct-19

Rae, I agree with Brian -- you just have to persist and not let the negativity or unfairness get to you.

Sending you love and hoping the colours of Fall are beautiful where you are.

xMary

cookly

From: cookly

Oct-19

I've been watching Anthony Bourdain  for a long time and grieved mightily when he  died. But I was not shocked. Takes one to see one. I couldn't help but notice that he didn't drink just out of respect for whatever culture offered it.. no, he liked his drink. So a depressive illness, probably.   I have that illness too. How to make it way worse, have that drink that will ease the pain for just a little while.   I fight every day against that seduction.. suicide fantasies consume me.  

Brian (BrianB125)

From: Brian (BrianB125)

Oct-19

Rae,

Yes, it's often obvious watching people drink to tell who has a problem.  There is a compulsion in the drinking that is hard to miss.

Have you considered taking antabuse.  I took it for years and it did help.  What is strange is that I never thought of drinking when I was taking it - I never had the idea of having a drink but didn't because of the antabuse.  There was obviously something psychological going on there.  I often thought if they just replaced that anatabuse with a placebo I wouldn't have noticed.  I haven't taken it for a while now, but I still have the bottle in my medicine cabinet and see it everyday.  I know it's there just in case.

Brian

Brian (BrianB125)

From: Brian (BrianB125)

Oct-19

On a completely different note: I just ate the last of my paw paws.  They really do taste like a cross between a banana and a mango - with a custard texture.  I planted the first tree almost 10 years ago and this is the first crop I've had.  There may have been previous ones that I missed - the fruits grow on the inside of the tree so you don't see them just walking around it - you have to get in and under the branches to see them.  I'll know to look next year.  And the ones I have don't ripen until after a good frost.  I'm going to plant some of the seeds - and then wait 5 to 10 years to see if they are male or female trees - only the females bear fruit.

MaryLouise3

From: MaryLouise3

Oct-20

Rae, is there anyone you can see professionally to help with the depression? Do stay here with us and keep posting, we're listening.

All love

xMary

MaryLouise3

From: MaryLouise3

Oct-20

Brian, that hybrid variety sounds delicious. I saw images you posted and they look far more like mangoes than papayas. And the banana would make them creamy or custardy. In Kenya we used to get dozens of varieties of tropical bananas and the small finger-sized ones were  best, even with black seeds.

xM

Brian (BrianB125)

From: Brian (BrianB125)

Oct-20

Mary,

The fruits do look like mangos, but they aren't hybrids, they are a tree native to the Eastern US:

Asimina triloba
Asimina triloba, the American papaw, pawpaw, paw paw, or paw-paw, among many regional names, is a small deciduous tree native to the eastern United States and Canada, producing a large, yellowish-green to brown fruit. It belongs to the genus Asimina in the same plant family as the custard-apple, cherimoya, sweetsop, ylang-ylang, and soursop.Wikipedia
They are strange plants.  The trees are either male or female and they do not (usually) self pollinate.  Only the female trees produce fruit, but you can't tell whether a tree is male or female until it has flowers - which doesn't happen for 5 to 8 years after you plant it. This is one of the reasons not many are grown commercially.  Also, unlike my fig tree, all the fruit gets ripe at the same time, which means it's feast or famine.  They are pollinated by bugs and flies, not bees - the flowers produce a stinky smell.  Some people hang carrion by the tree to encourage flies - I'm not going to do that, but I'm going to plant some of the seeds and hope for the best.
Brian

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