I don't know what happened to my original sobriety/recovery journal, but I will resume here for right now until I have time to write to Delphi or whatever. My other one stopped working about a week and a half ago.

It has been 10 days since my kidney surgery and today was the first day I felt "good" physically. I have had a lot of problems getting off the pain meds...........not problems with addiction but problems of withdrawel. The walls were changing colors and textures, I was seeing people who weren't there and talking to people who weren't there etc, etc. One night I got up to go to the bathroom and got lost in my home or at least I think I did, and when you live alone that can be a problem.

Anyway, all that is finally past and the good news is, as best they can tell, I am cancer free. I had a partial necrepathy (sp?) in which they robotically removed the tumor and surrounding area of my left kidney and they can find no other cancer.

We are still working on recuperating from concussion but that resumes next week.

It all seems so surreal. 3 months ago I was a member of a family which had hardly any cancer history in it's family tree. I had a really bad motorcycle accident and was told the same day that I had kidney cancer for which surgery is the only treatment. No chemo, no radiation; they won't work on it. We either cut it out and get it all or you die.

Here I sit exactly three months to the day later and I am, if everything goes as predicted, or will be a cancer survivor.

But my whole mindset has sure changed in the last three days, since I got the latest test results. For almost three months of my life, my mind was obsessed with kidney cancer which was thrust upon me one sentence, "Rex, you have kidney cancer". In the last three days it is like it never happened.

I guess if you aren't an alcoholic you really don't think much about it. So many things in this world to occupy our thoughts.

I don't know what I just wrote or what it means but some of it seemed to make sense when I put it down.

Wow, Rex.  Thanks for sharing.  Puts things in perspective.

 

Nomas

You have been through a very dramatic and challenging time Rex and I can't imagine that pain meds and concussion  went well together.

My friend J is also now cancer free after a mastectomy but has to take medication for at least five years. She says some days it seems like a bad dream and she has her life back and other times she  feels as if the cancer is just biding its time and will pop up in  another site. And she  says living with that intense fear for several months changed her -- compared to that  fear, the  staying sober issue  just faded into insignificance. She has been sober for 20 years and active in  meetings and GSO most of that time. But this experience  has  felt to her like a seismic shift.

Good news though for her and you, that makes all the difference.

getting lost in your own home...sounds like a good way to describe so much of what you've been through, the surreality you mention and how disorienting this all is.

(i have a friend going through chemo and radiation right now, and she struggles to endure and persevere ("aushalten +durchhalten")

and here you are, cancer-free of a cancer you didn't know you had three months ago. like it never happened except it did.

 

 

My friend J is also now cancer free after a mastectomy

That's really wonderful to hear Mary. I am so happy for you both.

She says some days it seems like a bad dream and she has her life back and other times she feels as if the cancer is just biding its time and will pop up in another site

I can completely relate to that train of thought. For three months I hardly thought of anything else and then one day I get a phone call and the bad dream is over. But is it really? How many folks have been told that they were fine and would be fine only to have the disease rear it's ugly head again in 2-5 years time.

In my mind I will always be connected to this terrible, ugly, disfiguring disease or it will be connected to me.

She has been sober for 20 years and active in meetings and GSO most of that time. But this experience has felt to her like a seismic shift.

I agree completely. This is a completely different type of experience.

Please convey my best wishes to her.

I really admire the way you've moved through this very fraught period in your life, staying sober, staying grounded, talking to us. 
love, nancy xx

Nancy, no need to admire the way I'm handling things. All of our lives are fraught in different ways. You just keep fighting the good fight and I'll keep doing the same and we'll both come out winners. Love to you.

Damn, I'll admire you if I want to.  So there.

Ok Nancy!! Feel free to admire away. lol

Rex, I have been following your journey from a distance. I had to jump in and tell you that your strength, determination and sobriety through it all is something that we should all aspire to. Thank you for sharing what can be a very tough period in your life.

Jen