"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" I believe it was said many years ago.
It has been an unbelievable three months as most of you know.
I had a first date with a wonderful lady on May 20th followed by two more in the next week and a half.
I was involved in a really bad motorcycle accident on June 1, near St. Louis, Missouri and spent the next several days in the hospital at the St. Louis University Medical Center. I suffered a really bad concussion, several broken ribs and during CT Scans it was discovered I also had previously undetected kidney cancer.
The cancer has been removed........successfully I am told, and after having cancer for 2-3 years and not knowing it, I am now a cancer survivor.
My concussion has lead to a subdural hematoma which is finally beginning to get smaller after a couple of months of growth and the doctor says in 6 months I should be as good as new, or at least as good as I was on May 31.
The relationship with the lady I met on May 20, has progressed steadily over the last almost four months and we spend 2-3 nights a week at one or the other's home and many wonderful weekends together.
She left last weekend for a two week tour of Italy and I have been missing her greatly which leads to the following:
My last really bad craving for alcohol was over a year ago while I was on vacation on my way to Rae's house...........until three days ago.
I have had thoughts of drinking for the last three days; sometimes intense, sometimes not so much. Last night it was so bad I went to a movie to get away from the thoughts going through my brain.
I'm not sure if it is the relief of appearing to be on the healing path in several parts of my body, the sadness of missing my lover of the last few months or a combination of things. I am having the thoughts again today. I live alone, no one would know I drank but me but since I have vowed to be an honorable man, that doesn't seem like the right way to do things.
I have promised my estranged wife, my new lover and myself that whatever lapses I've had in moral judgement over the last couple of years are a thing of the past and I am working toward that end. But now, just when it looks like everything is aligning itself, the drinking thoughts and craving have reared their ugly head with a vengeance. I'm a little puzzled.
I've been following this and have left you a couple of messages, glad to hear that your starting to feel better.
After everything that you've been through over the last few months, hearing that you're Cancer free, and that the hematoma is beginning to reduce would cause anyone to lower their guard, and just let out a sigh of relief.
Perhaps that was all the opening that the craving needed. It might be time to check out that Mens group you used to talk to, or your therapist. Try to get out of your own head for awhile,
But call someone before you have that first one. Im rooting for you buddy. I just passed 10 months today and you were a big part of that,
Stay well today.
Rex, I'm always taken by surprise when I get those occasional cravings.. sometimes I see the trigger; most times I don't. In your case its likely the combination of things being so unsettled for months and now you're able to relax so your brain is reverting back to the familiar.
Whatever the reason, you know the solution. Remember too, those cravings don't last for long; bit of diversion and it goes away; repeat as necessary.
I don't think you're going to drink.. you didn't go to hell and back for nothing, my friend.
Love you, Rae
doing something to get out of that headspace is a good move. and you made it. you moved away. took charge of what you could do.
i've found that for me, the rare "gottadrink!!" reaction is kind of like some knee-jerk response to intense emotion. especially missing. missing can be bloody miserable! can make nothing much else seem to matter.
keep going, Rex. consider people's suggestions. use your contacts. keep posting. step back.
Sorry about the calls Bob. I have missed them and meant to call you back but just haven't done it yet. I apologize.
I attended my men's group on Wednesday. It is always hard work for me emotionally but was really interesting this week. I had missed the meetings of the last month because of the health issues.
It just seems odd to me that for the last year I have had little or no cravings of any kind and just as everything seems to be righting itself the cravings come back for three straight days.
Thank you for your calls and your thoughts. Please don't give up calling. I promise to try and answer.
I'm not going to drink Rae but did find it interesting. I'm always so happy to hear you're doing well. These cravings have lasted longer than most but nothing I can't handle. Thanks as always for your thoughts.
Love you too,