Sobriety/Recovery Journals -  Rex's 2nd Time Around Volume 2 (36258 views) Notify me whenever anyone posts in this discussion.Subscribe
From: Rex (rcclark99) Posted by host9/1/12 5:30 PM 
To: marylouise50  (5 of 815) 
 3053.5 in reply to 3053.3 

My friend J is also now cancer free after a mastectomy

That's really wonderful to hear Mary. I am so happy for you both.

She says some days it seems like a bad dream and she has her life back and other times she feels as if the cancer is just biding its time and will pop up in another site

I can completely relate to that train of thought. For three months I hardly thought of anything else and then one day I get a phone call and the bad dream is over. But is it really? How many folks have been told that they were fine and would be fine only to have the disease rear it's ugly head again in 2-5 years time.

In my mind I will always be connected to this terrible, ugly, disfiguring disease or it will be connected to me.

She has been sober for 20 years and active in meetings and GSO most of that time. But this experience has felt to her like a seismic shift.

I agree completely. This is a completely different type of experience.

Please convey my best wishes to her.



From: NCorbett39/1/12 5:35 PM 
To: Rex (rcclark99)  (6 of 815) 
 3053.6 in reply to 3053.5 
I really admire the way you've moved through this very fraught period in your life, staying sober, staying grounded, talking to us. 
love, nancy xx

From: Rex (rcclark99) Posted by host9/2/12 12:01 PM 
To: NCorbett3  (7 of 815) 
 3053.7 in reply to 3053.6 
Nancy, no need to admire the way I'm handling things. All of our lives are fraught in different ways. You just keep fighting the good fight and I'll keep doing the same and we'll both come out winners. Love to you.



From: NCorbett39/2/12 3:56 PM 
To: Rex (rcclark99)  (8 of 815) 
 3053.8 in reply to 3053.7 
Damn, I'll admire you if I want to.  So there.

From: Rex (rcclark99) Posted by host9/2/12 4:25 PM 
To: NCorbett3  (9 of 815) 
 3053.9 in reply to 3053.8 
Ok Nancy!! Feel free to admire away. lol



From: je0727129/2/12 8:07 PM 
To: Rex (rcclark99)  (10 of 815) 
 3053.10 in reply to 3053.9 
Rex, I have been following your journey from a distance. I had to jump in and tell you that your strength, determination and sobriety through it all is something that we should all aspire to. Thank you for sharing what can be a very tough period in your life.


From: Rex (rcclark99) Posted by host9/2/12 8:18 PM 
To: je072712  (11 of 815) 
 3053.11 in reply to 3053.10 

Thank you Jen. Yes, the last few weeks I have discovered that life can be ended qucikly and permanently.

I get up every day and take on the challenges of that day, not worrying about next month or next year. There is no use to worry about days we may never see.

Sobriety is definitely the best gift I can give myself to start each day and it is totally in my control. It doesn't matter how much or how little money I have or if I have a job or not or if I feel great or am deathly ill, sobriety is within my grasp everyday.


  • Edited 9/2/2012 8:22 pm by Rex (rcclark99)

From: NCorbett39/3/12 3:59 PM 
To: Rex (rcclark99)  (12 of 815) 
 3053.12 in reply to 3053.11 
Rex (rcclark99) says:
Sobriety is definitely the best gift I can give myself to start each day and it is totally in my control. It doesn't matter how much or how little money I have or if I have a job or not or if I feel great or am deathly ill, sobriety is within my grasp everyday.

This is going into my personal journal.  Thanks, Rex.

From: marylouise509/4/12 1:27 AM 
To: Rex (rcclark99)  (13 of 815) 
 3053.13 in reply to 3053.12 
Yes, that is the kind of statement, as Nancy quoted, that  makes such sense to me, something to keep as an aide-memoire of what is possible and within our grasp when so much else is not.

I was thinking about you the other day Rex and  something came back to me from Thomas Moore's book on Dark Nights of the Soul, how  we sometimes step out of character in ways that disconcert or distress others and how we hate ourselves for it, but that underneath it may be deeply necessary that we  change, because something deep down  needs to express itself and  find a voice or a way to  come to consciousness.

And I was reading about Paul Gauguin who ran away from his respectable life, abandoned his wife and five children,  sailed for Tahiti and began clumsily and  amidst teh ruins of his former life to paint -- it was on the surface the  most callous and mad thing for  a man in his later life to do, a kind of selfish craziness -- but I think Gauguin knew it was 'now or never' and that the  artist within needed to break free in order to  be able to  create a vision, that he needed to live differently to be more fully himself and get to know the suppressed self within..

From: Rex (rcclark99) Posted by host9/8/12 3:49 PM 
To: All  (14 of 815) 
 3053.14 in reply to 3053.13 

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" I believe it was said many years ago.

It has been an unbelievable three months as most of you know.

I had a first date with a wonderful lady on May 20th followed by two more in the next week and a half.

I was involved in a really bad motorcycle accident on June 1, near St. Louis, Missouri and spent the next several days in the hospital at the St. Louis University Medical Center. I suffered a really bad concussion, several broken ribs and during CT Scans it was discovered I also had previously undetected kidney cancer.

The cancer has been removed........successfully I am told, and after having cancer for 2-3 years and not knowing it, I am now a cancer survivor.

My concussion has lead to a subdural hematoma which is finally beginning to get smaller after a couple of months of growth and the doctor says in 6 months I should be as good as new, or at least as good as I was on May 31.

The relationship with the lady I met on May 20, has progressed steadily over the last almost four months and we spend 2-3 nights a week at one or the other's home and many wonderful weekends together.

She left last weekend for a two week tour of Italy and I have been missing her greatly which leads to the following:

My last really bad craving for alcohol was over a year ago while I was on vacation on my way to Rae's house...........until three days ago.

I have had thoughts of drinking for the last three days; sometimes intense, sometimes not so much. Last night it was so bad I went to a movie to get away from the thoughts going through my brain.

I'm not sure if it is the relief of appearing to be on the healing path in several parts of my body, the sadness of missing my lover of the last few months or a combination of things. I am having the thoughts again today. I live alone, no one would know I drank but me but since I have vowed to be an honorable man, that doesn't seem like the right way to do things.

I have promised my estranged wife, my new lover and myself that whatever lapses I've had in moral judgement over the last couple of years are a thing of the past and I am working toward that end. But now, just when it looks like everything is aligning itself, the drinking thoughts and craving have reared their ugly head with a vengeance. I'm a little puzzled.


  • Edited 9/8/2012 10:28 pm by Rex (rcclark99)

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