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LifeRing Recovery: a self-help alternative for recovery from alcoholism and other chemical dependency. Group support for abstinence from alcohol and “drugs” by empowering the sober self within you. Completely secular: no prayers, Higher Powers or Steps.

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My "Bottom'   Sobriety/Recovery Journals

Started Mar-13 by mtsle (mtslexmarti); 117 views.
mtsle (mtslexmarti)

From: mtsle (mtslexmarti)

Mar-13

They say the "bottom" is the point at which one decides they no longer wish to keep digging.

I found this to be true; every time I thought I hit "bottom," it could always get worse... and always did.

I began to believe there was no such thing as "rock bottom" for this reason. Everything always got worse. In a state of intoxication, nothing was ever enough to stop me from using and I always had an excuse for why I chose to use.

But I eventually reached my "bottom" - I became tired of digging.

My "bottom" came with my last relapse. I finally became sick and tired of being sick and tired of myself.

I've attempted suicide, been hospitalized numerous times, and spent a decent length of time in jail, but it wasn't enough. I've lost not one, but two, fulfilling careers, my marriage, my car, and finally, my home.

I was acting out severely, in ways that are disingenuous to my true self. I was acting out in ways in which active addiction kept me sick, I was crying out for attention and love, drinking nearly half of a half gallon of vodka a day, getting involved in illicit activity, and inviting unsavory people to bring harm to me.

I was drugged, beaten, and robbed, ultimately. I paid the ultimate price with my body and inability to provide consent. I was afraid of law enforcement and other public officials who could help me.

I had lost all self-respect.

I recall a conversation with my biggest supporter, my ex-husband, which made me cry.

He told me truths about myself that I was afraid to face.

I stared at myself in the mirror for hours, crying about the person I'd become - the person I was acting like - and realized he was right.

I am better than how I'd been behaving. I realized he was right -- I was moving without purpose, without ambition, and had no real passion for life. I didn't love myself.

As I cried, everything clicked. I realized that I didn't have to act out for everything to work out, everything would be okay, and that I can learn to love myself. I learned that I would be okay.

That day, I learned that I could start over again and redefine myself.
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Brian (BrianB125)

From: Brian (BrianB125)

Mar-14

I think your bottom is just where ever you decided to stop.  

"But I eventually reached my "bottom" - I became tired of digging."

That stuck me, When people ask me what finally got me to stop I say I was just too tired to go on.  Being an alcoholic is a lot of work - getting alcohol, covering up, keeping track of what you've told people, feeling awful.  I remember sitting in my basement - where I used to drink - and just thinking - I can't go on like this.

I was lucky, my wife staid with me, though she often thought of leaving.  She came with me when I finally went for help.

Your recovery journal sounds like what so many of us have gone through.  You should be at the point where you are starting to feel physically better.  And you will just feel better and better.  The wonderful thing is that our life does come back.  It won't be anything sudden, it wasn't for me, but at some point you start noticing that you are doing the things that you used to do.

Hoping for all the best for you.  I know it still hard what you are going through - but we are just here to say it does get better.

One tip - pick a nickname we can all you by - you can just make one up.

Brian

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