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LifeRing Recovery: a self-help alternative for recovery from alcoholism and other chemical dependency. Group support for abstinence from alcohol and “drugs” by empowering the sober self within you. Completely secular: no prayers, Higher Powers or Steps.

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LolaBug's Recovery Musings   Sobriety/Recovery Journals

Started May-28 by LolaBug; 537 views.
LolaBug

From: LolaBug

May-28

Taking the plunge. I haven't kept a journal in years. Partly because I don't want anyone in my family reading it. I'm afraid if I die one of my daughters will stumble upon it and... what? Think less of me?

Also, writing sometimes backfires on me and instead of releasing all the negative thoughts it just gets me stewing in my own poisonous juices. But here we are, giving it another try.

Anyone else crying a lot lately? Generally I like a lot of alone time. I didn't think this staying home business would affect me that much. But it's getting to me. I miss my family. I'm fortunate that my youngest daughter lives with me, so I'm not totally alone.

I'm grateful for her being here. But I miss my 3 other daughters, my sons-in-law, my sister and her family. I miss my grandpuppies.

Some days I really, really want to drink, to escape. BUT. But, I also want to be healthy. I tell myself, one foot in front of the other. Do the next right thing. Fold the laundry, cook dinner, go for a walk.

Ok. Enough for now.

MaryLouise3

From: MaryLouise3

May-29

Hi Lola

I've worked from home as freelancer for years so didn't think this would change much about what is a very quiet country life -- but this time isn't like ordinary solitude, it is fraught with uncertainty and economic tensions as well as health fears. I may not worry that much about myself staying safe indoors, but I do worry about elderly friends, people with underlying conditions like cancer or diabetes, the collapse of the travel industry, what is happening to friends who are musicians and  actors etc. It is a very strange time for all of us globally and as you say, all we can do is to keep on doing the next right thing, daily routines that help us feel normal.

I find being able to go for longish walks each morning is a good way to start the day -- I am also able to garden and cook, have company because I don't live along. Like you, I journal  -- not here although I might  start keeping an online diary again -- and I post a little on Instagram, follow friends on social media, chat on the phone.

The big thing is to  find ways of holding steady and  calm through this uncertainty, and the key to that is staying sober. Good to see you writing here.

xMaryLouise

Brian (BrianB125)

From: Brian (BrianB125)

May-29

Great to see you starting a Journal Lola, it was a big help for me.

"one foot in front of the other. Do the next right thing. Fold the laundry, cook dinner, go for a walk."  that's about the best advice anyone can give.

Brian

In reply toRe: msg 3
LolaBug

From: LolaBug

May-31

Yesterday was a crying day, but I still managed to be productive. Did some gardening and bought some art supplies for a project I'm working on.

Thought about drinking but chose not to. Oh, and I finally sat down and looked through my pile of mail. I have issues with mail, both regular and email. I don't like it! I'm literally scared to sit down and pay bills, even when I know I have enough money to cover them.

I mentioned this once in an AA meeting and saw quite a few heads nodding. So maybe its an alcoholic thing? I think for me it's a lack of maturity thing, wanting to avoid unpleasant but necessary obligations. It's an ongoing problem, but I'm working on it.

Brian (BrianB125)

From: Brian (BrianB125)

May-31

Lola,

Good to hear you are doing well.

I don't think the issues you have with mail is either an alcoholic thing or immaturity - I think it's probably just a quirk.  There are all things that for just some reason we don't like doing.  There are other things that are just as unpleasant that we don't mind doing.  I hate unloading the dishwasher.  When my wife is not around I just pull the dishes out that I need and leave the rest in.  On the other hand, I don't like cleaning out the cat box, but I just do it and get it over with - no drama.  People can be strange.

Brian

In reply toRe: msg 5
LolaBug

From: LolaBug

May-31

That's very kind of you, Brian, but I really do think it's an immaturity/alcoholic thing. Not wanting to face consequences. I'm working on it. It's difficult. Today seems to be another crying day, but I'm working on getting stuff done. So sad to see what's going on in our country. 

I am so disappointed in us. I'm scared for my children who live near, and work, in Boston. I know I have to stay sober to keep my wits about me, but I want to check out. But I know it won't help.

MaryLouise3

From: MaryLouise3

Jun-1

Lola

Don't be too hard on yourself, I like what Brian wrote. We all develop habits of avoidance and procrastination during active addiction and  there are things we  don't like doing even when we've been sober a long time!

Keep in mind that we're living through a time of great uncertainty and  anxiety. Be gentle with yourself.

xMary

In reply toRe: msg 7
LolaBug

From: LolaBug

Jun-1

Thank you for the kind words and support. I know I will feel better once I get those bills paid. 

Msg 3540.9 deleted
Elsie (Elsiek)

From: Elsie (Elsiek)

Jun-2

I'm the same with bills and forms. I just have this terrible fear of getting it wrong which ironically leads me to sometimes getting it wrong!  I think there might also be a link to me having had a drink problem- bills are workaday, dull, as far from being at a party as you can imagine. and there's definitely a link to my childhood. My mum was great at sorting finances and terrible at having fun. I swear her favourite time of the week was Monday morning. Obviously Friday night is what it's actually about but she used to spend the whole of Friday evening frantically cleaning so she could 'relax' over the weekend. Which was a pretty awful vibe for us kids at the end of our school week. And she never really relaxed over the weekend anyway. I understand now she had a lot of plates to keep in the air and I should have been able to see her as a great role model, but really she just created an impossible standard of being a sensible, organised human being I've never been able to live up to. 

I have started handwritten journals several times but always end up either destroying them or taping them up with masking tape to prevent intrusion, actually the notion of stewing in one's own poisonous juices rings true for me too, but keeping a journal here has been different. 

Great you have started one xxx

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