I woke up this morning filled with so much shame and made the decision to finally start on my path to recovery. I realized that I keep using the excuse that the pandemic stripped my identity away from me: I had to leave my job to do homeschooling, I left my husband and moved out with my daughter, and I also was not able to finish my college degree due to the demands of homeschooling.
My now-ex-husband made everything so much more emotionally difficult than it had to be last year after I left. And I let it take me down. My evening drinking became excessive in the last few months.
I have everything that should make me happy: a wonderful daughter, a fantastic new fiance who has supported me in every way, the chance to return to finish my degree this Fall, and I've even become closer to my parents since I left my ex-husband. Yet, the drinking kept getting in the way. I will not allow myself to keep doing this anymore. It's way too destructive.
I've done the back and forth "I'm not drinking anymore" to going right back to drinking the following day. It's made me feel weak and ashamed, like I'm not a good mom or fiancee...
I acted so shamefully last night. I realized today that the pandemic didn't really take anything away from me, except a life that I hated. I've been drinking to block out all of the painful things I went through during my marriage and whilst being raised by perfection-demanding, functional- alcoholic parents. Instead of taking the time to heal since I left my ex, I drank away my evenings, trying to escape the pain.
I lost my insurance last year after my ex lost his job due to the pandemic. I wanted to do therapy but couldn't afford it. I thought about AA but know how they operate.
I'm really glad I found LR. It really seems like a great place for me. I wanted to take the first step by opening up on the forum. I want to start doing online meetings, too. I didn't even know there was anything else other than AA. I wish I had known sooner.
Does anybody have any suggestions for using the RBC workbook? It seems way better than any therapist I could pay. Looking at the table of contents, it seems I might have to veer away from certain sections until I'm ready. I know why I drink, and it's time to really work on healing myself.