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LifeRing Recovery: a self-help alternative for recovery from alcoholism and other chemical dependency. Group support for abstinence from alcohol and “drugs” by empowering the sober self within you. Completely secular: no prayers, Higher Powers or Steps.

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Going Forward (with clarity)   Sobriety/Recovery Journals

Started 2/16/14 by Elsie (Elsiek); 51060 views.
Brian (BrianB125)
Staff

From: Brian (BrianB125)

2/28/14

Elsie,

Stopping drinking is, I think, all about learning, learning what's really going on, what you feel, what you need to do.  Sounds like you are really making progress on that front.   Realizing that I really like the buzz of drinking, but also realizing that I wouldn't stop there, was a crucial step.  And as you say, not just knowing it, I kind of always knew it, but having it really sink in so I could just sit there and think about it and be aware of it. Having that sink in made it a lot easier to get to the point where I would think I'm just not going to do that.

When I go to a party I make sure I get something nonalcoholic in my hand as soon as I get there, so I won't be tempted to pick something up and no one will feel like giving me something.  Actually, I don't do this so much any more, but I did for quite a while.  It made going to parties much less threatening.

"Plus a clear explanation to hang on to myself" - yes, that's exactly what you need.

Brian

Rex (rcclark99)

From: Rex (rcclark99)

2/28/14

"but it really did feel like I was the cause of the difficult feelings."

It's easy for us to feel that way, Elsie, but often it really doesn't have anything to do with us. It's sometimes hard to get by that part, though. I have the same problem. I can't fix everything, even though I try.

We're having the same problems with my mom but I guess it just comes with this time in our lives.

The Sound of Music sounds like a great outlet for you to be involved with a sober activity.

"I was worried that I hadn't had time to firm up my knowledge of some of the lyrics."

You worry too much. :-) I'm sure you'll be great!

I hope you have a wonderful, quiet day.

liferingBob

From: liferingBob

2/28/14

Hi Elsie

"Friends. I just feel so nervous about trying to conduct myself without a drink. I can do all the little things that help- taking a nice non alcoholic alternative, making sure I keep my glass filled with it, but it just don't feel that I'll have any conversation other than about not drinking. Yet talking about it can be very counterproductive."

This too like urges etc.etc.etc. gets much easier with sober time, focus on the good things sobriety gives to you. I drank for all the things that bothered me, but I also drank for all the happy stuff too, and than I was drinking for no reason at all, and got to the liquor store at 6am (when they open here) I hated the taste/effects everything, I was addicted  and it was all in my head. 

Take Care

Bob O.

Elsie (Elsiek)

From: Elsie (Elsiek)

2/28/14

Yes, once we're hooked anything and everything and nothing at all will make us drink. We use the same substance to celebrate, drown our sorrows, calm our nerves, allay boredom, and even for medicinal purposes. I have used it to keep me 'happy' whilst doing chores I don't want to do. But really I have just wanted to drink, and any old excuse will do. I am still making dinner every evening and peeling the carrots. It isn't much more fun than it was before, but it certainly isn't intolerable.

thanks for the messages.

In reply toRe: msg 26
Elsie (Elsiek)

From: Elsie (Elsiek)

3/1/14

Woke up feeling perky this morning, but just realised that my husband has cleared the search history, wiping off such things as 'am I really an alcoholic?' 'Alcohol withdrawal and itching' etc. I don't mind at all that he has cleared the history- I would have done had I known how to do it. But it is excruciating to think that he has read the list of my searches! Ah, well, I'll live, and maybe it isn't a bad thing fir him to see the evidence of my self-examination at the same time as he sees me get noticeably healthier and more upbeat. 

It will be one month tomorrow. Thank you February for being so short and giving me an extra boost!!

E x

Brian (BrianB125)
Staff

From: Brian (BrianB125)

3/1/14

Hey, congratulations on one month - good for you.

You don't have to read the history to clear it, you just push a button.  But if he did, I would think he might be encouraged by how you are working at it.

Brian

 

MaryLouisa

From: MaryLouisa

3/1/14

So February was a great month for you! And  I also doubt your husband read the searches. But sometimes it helps to have   someone understand that this is hard and a big deal.

Have you considered sitting down and  talking with him about what is going on for you?

mkh106

From: mkh106

3/1/14

Elsie,

way to go on the month!

don't know your hubby or you, but if i were finding someone's  search history about these questions, my heart would go out to them about their struggles.

just keep going, Elsie.

 

In reply toRe: msg 30
Elsie (Elsiek)

From: Elsie (Elsiek)

3/2/14

Thanks for the messages of support. I went to the dinner party last night. I was ok, lucky to be sitting next to a relatively new friend who was happy to talk about the addiction thing for a while without seeing me as a second rate citizen. I had to come home early though (it was just in the village, so convenient enough for me to leave separately.) I managed from 8-1am in a party situation. I had a very different time from my usual raucous partying. I very slightly felt lazy. The hostess said as I left, you guys have entertained us so many times, we wanted to have you back. they had made a massive effort. And I felt that because I wasn't drinking and going a bit nuts I wasn't keeping my side of the social bargain in some way. But some other people never feel they have to go mad or raise the roof, as it were. One of my friends, who hardly drinks, was having a party at Christmas and said that she really wanted a lively party with people drinking a bit too much and behaving a bit badly. It is curious when someone explicitly states this as an expectation or desire, and perhaps shows how hard it can be to not drink when you gave a reputation for being a party animal. Because said friend was never going to get drunk, because she never does. She does have a great time herself without drinking though, which is nice for her. And I don't mean that resentfully (well, not much anyway!) Well, I have been that person who gets a party going for a long time. Someone else can have that responsibility for a while ;-)

i am up relatively bright and early. Hubby had more than a few last night and is sleeping it off.

A happy and peaceful Sunday to all of you.

E x

In reply toRe: msg 31
Elsie (Elsiek)

From: Elsie (Elsiek)

3/3/14

For some reason I posted on the thread 'Self-loathing' what I had intended to post here. It was a bit relevant, but I might have gone off at a tangent. Feeling unwell this morning. The rehearsals are stepping up for the SOM. The director was foul with me when I turned up late yesterday, but after an emotional discussion with my husband I wanted to make sure we had something nice in for dinner, and that I had filled up his car with petrol for him, whilst he took our son to play football in my car. Turns out he was very worried he might be a casualty of my sobriety. I was saying that I wasn't sure what interested me with alcohol out of the picture, and probably quite naturally he extrapolated that as including our relationship. Well of course how I am feeling does affect our relationship, and realistically we may have a few wobbles as I renegotiate where I'm at, but it really upset me to see him so upset, and I wanted to reassure him. And then as I said on the other thread I came down with a cold last night, I feel pretty shocking today, and I always notice that before I get ill, I have frequently felt very negative whilst it's brewing. Also, it is very early days for me, I need to be patient, sit stuff out, separate the wheat from the chaff etc etc. anyway, I needed to backpedal, and my family life is more important than the am drams, and I needed that bit of extra time. Of course, there were people who didn't turn up to the rehearsal at all...but they were not present to shout at, so I got the brunt of it.  I still need to firm up on the singing though- I'm not standing next to other altos in the part we rehearsed yesterday, and have to hold my part stood next to a mezzo soprano, and I don't find it easy, especially when I'm feeling a bit miserable. But sitting at the piano and playing through my part a few times is what I need to do and then I'll be ok.

re-reading Caroline Knapp's the Merry Recluse. What a great book. Some of her essays/articles are about addictions, but there's a whole range of topics touched on, and she wrote so well. Returning to AA I wonder whether I should be reading the Big Book, but unlike Caroline Knapp it has not been written with much skill and it really irritates me! I actually have come to agree a little bit more again with some aspects of the AA approach, but I'm afraid I'm not convinced by the writing about it. Some of the language is just badly chosen, sloppy and annoying. And out of date. Anyway, rant over. Tea toast and paracetamol required.

E x

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