LifeRing Recovery: a self-help alternative for recovery from alcoholism and other chemical dependency. Group support for abstinence from alcohol and “drugs” by empowering the sober self within you. Completely secular: no prayers, Higher Powers or Steps.
sounds like the sobriety-thing, Elsie.
knowing theoretically that you can, knowing some techniques, but scared to really "do" it.
of course you ARE doing it, and of course it's clunky and cumbersome and awkward and easy to get grumpy...being graceful takes a long long time, and much practice, whether it's skiing or living soberly or anything else much.
pj's at 4:30 is perfect!
Skiing is something like learning to stop drinking - its not continuous, it comes in lumps. You go for periods of time when you never seem to get any better, and then all of a sudden you are doing things you couldn't do before. Main thing I think is just to remember its fun - as you ski better, it becomes more fun, but its still always fun.
I learned to ski in the sixties when we still used leather boots, tied as tight as you could with the laces wrapped several times around the top. One of the greatest pleasures then was taking your boots off at the end of the day and waiting for the feeling to come back in your feet.
I understand what you meant, sometimes it seems like things aren't changing too much, then all of a sudden "we are doing things we couldn't do before". I find being sober, I am much more even tempered and able to understand people, where I used to be so jumpy before (when hungover and/or drinking).
i have a lot of fearful emotions this morning. I have a massive list of administrative tasks to complete. All of them are doable, but I worry that I just won't do them.
i am also worried about the forum and about AA meetings. I am very affected by what people say sometimes and I am very worried about saying stuff that might affect someone. I feel I need to think very very hard before I comment on anything that is not strictly about me.
I am even worried about the bin. We put the bin out last night. Oh, it's ok, they just emptied it. It was full of plaster and dust from a building job done last week while we were away.
i am worried about my performance review. My boss rang me yesterday to make sure I was going - 'just asking because you are notoriously bad at getting back to my letters and emails.' Shit, I didn't think I was that bad. Looked at the letter sent, and it said 'please contact me to arrange a different time if not convenient.' I thought I had said it was ok, but hadn't sent an email (checked my sent mail.) I'm just going to have to take any criticism about my organisational skills on the chin and try to improve. But criticism makes me feel sick.
a couple of things at AA yesterday made me feel that ultimately the AA philosophy is rather unsympathetic to these kind of anxieties. It is perceived as self pity, and something we just have to get over. Ok, my problems might be pathetic, but there are people whose psychological issues are very serious and debilitating. And not everything is solved by not drinking. I have a friend who was abused as a child. She never drinks- bad associations with alcohol, but that does not mean she doesn't have major issues in her adult relationships. I know I said the other day about looking forward, but there are things that drag me back, and repressing those feelings is not easy.
anyway, I feel better just to have expressed that. The jobs are pressing, the review is this afternoon, deep breath, do my best to get on now.
And not everything is solved by not drinking. Unfortunately, that is exactly true - all of life's problems remain - is just is easier to face them. Some people just worry about things more than others. My wife is one, she worries about things I never think of. This is just the way I think different people are. She would probably say I'm just oblivious. Looking at what you wrote, all of those are things you could well be worried about, nothing wrong with that, though you want to be careful you don't become obsessive. Having a performance review is always something to be worried about, and bosses are always a source of worry. Deep breath, do your best - sounds like just the right plan.
I know I said the other day about looking forward, but there are things that drag me back, and repressing those feelings is not easy.
there's a balance there somewhere, or maybe not a balance exactly but finding a different way other than repressing.
i'm reminded of the little conversation Rex and i had a few weeks ago, and the difference between being aware of the past, the feelings and the history of how we got to this here moment, and not living in that past.
i'm expressing this badly, i know.
i'm not sure why you'd try to repress? it's different from letting go...but of course i'm partly talking to myself.
Yes, it isn't healthy to repress, but I sometimes do live in the past, which isn't healthy either. Today is just one day though, and it doesn't mean tomorrow will feel the same. Had my work review, and it was all good. Just shows I need to try not to anticipate or project.
Yes margit, I remember that well.
I believe basically that you were referring to "learning from the past" and I was thinking about "dwelling in the past". Maybe I'm wrong in this interpretation. If I am please tell me.
I have some of this going on right now. My divorce is now final. I have hurt my former wife terribly with the divorce and I am really having trouble dealing with the guilt. I did not leave her for another woman; there was no other woman at the time. I left her because there were problems in the marriage from my point of view that she didn't want to address. Maybe I should have been more communicative about my disillusion and disappointments but I wasn't. I did let her know about my feelings but perhaps I should have been more adamant about them, at least that's how she feels.
Anyway, in my new relationship, I have conveyed this to J and we have both agreed to always be open to letting our feelings be known. She is very good at it and I am getting better. I attend a men's group twice a month dealing with exactly this; learning to recognize how we feel and to be able to express our feelings properly in a relationship. Most men are terrible at that.
We weren't supposed to have feelings as we were brought up. Just rub some dirt on the cut or scrape and go on playing and for God's sake, don't cry.
So, as you said I am trying to learn from my mistakes in the past as well as the things I did right because as we know, we are all a product of our decisions. That his how we got where we are today.
But I am trying not to dwell on the past and the hurt that those mistakes and decisions might have caused others. If I did it would eat me up.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense or not but was just some of the thoughts I had.
that's great news about the review; i imagine you're much relieved.
i know what you're saying, Elsie, about projecting ahead; and i do it, too. mostly, or almost exclusively, in a negative vein.
was thinking later today about 'repressing', and i don't know enough about this stuff, but think we can't deliberately repress, anyway. maybe supress? (why is spell-check underlining this??)
yeah, this is tough stuff, Rex.i try to really remember that guilt is about having done wrong and quite different from regret or sorrow about someone else being hurt. but these are fine lines, and i don't always know where they are. and then there is the impulse to want to fix, but not everything can be fixed, either.
and the feelings-thing....as you point out, some of that is a learnable skill, and i find it's not "just" men who are "terrible" at it; the other side of that coin (though it's not just two-sided, of course) are the people who think all feelings need to be expressed just the way they are at the moment...yikes! not "properly", as you put it.
the men's group sounds like a really positive place for you, Rex