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Post your jokes here   Fun and Games

Started 4/20/18 by PTG (anotherPTG); 127189 views.

Sure is true,  My parents grew up in the same area and knew everybody. People I didn't know would look at me and say  "You're Laurie's daughter, or you're Peggy's girl.  If ever we did anything wrong, our parents knew about it before we got home and that was in the days before many people had a telephone.  We didn't have one then.  Bush telegraph sure worked well. We left home in the morning, spent the day at the beach, took lunch with us.  

In reply toRe: msg 692
oiuoiu321

From: oiuoiu321

Mar-22

The World Health Organization released a statement reassuring pet owners that it has determined that the new coronavirus cannot be passed onto dogs.  It urged those who had pets in isolation to allow them to return to their normal lives.

Truly, WHO let the dogs out.

[If there's anyone doubting, this is not a public service message, just a joke. I don't want to worry anyone.]

Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Mar-22

Kudos to the police.  My son lives in Spain and told me he is not allowed to walk his dog at all.  They have a long balcony around their apartment and have to exercise the dog there.  

Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Mar-31

Rescue dogs

In reply toRe: msg 697
katiek2

From: katiek2

Apr-1

Apologies to anyone offended - it was just too funny not to post...

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..

Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Apr-1

I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.

You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.

They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.

We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60s -
If you only knew the truth!

There was sex and drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.

Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?

We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!

So here you find me stuck inside
For 4 weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!

It didnt really bother me
I'd while away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no bloody flour!

Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.

At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey,  even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!

So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this bloody virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.

We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!
katiek2

From: katiek2

Apr-1

WOW! Did you author this?  It's wonderful and absolutely, positively, true.  

Di (amina046) said:

But we grew up in the 60s - If you only knew the truth!

Our kids (all middle-aged now) would disown us.  Little did they know growing up that the eyes in the back in our heads were the result of us having already done everything they were trying to get away with.  Maybe now with young adults and teens of their own they suspect, but I will NEVER tell.

Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Apr-2

A 4 Year Old's 1st Paycheck-a touching story !!

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. 

The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied,

  worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

 "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too..?"

 The little girl replied,

 "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking drywall”

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