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A forum devoted to the FTP game Midnight Castle. All formats and platforms. Find Friends, learn tips and tricks, read strategy guides, ask for help or just kick back in Fletcher's Tea Room and dodge the odd explosion.

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Post your jokes here   Fun and Games

Started 4/20/18 by PTG (anotherPTG); 191859 views.
Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Dec-27

80 And On Her 4th Husband

 
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time.  The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
 "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.
 He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.  She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
 After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
 The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
 (Wait for it…..)
 She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Dec-27

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son:
“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said,
“Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”
The boy said,
“You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
katiek2

From: katiek2

Dec-29

Why women NEED to go to the restroom together....
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance”. In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance". To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!” You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday, the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. “Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, “Dear you just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.” By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this.” As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?” This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door! Share this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!
...[Message truncated]
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Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Dec-29

I don't know if I should laugh or cry, or if I am crying because I am laughing so hard; what I do know is that I need to go to the bathroom NOW.

I guess we have all been there.

OMG I laughed so hard, I had to...well, go to the bathroom.  LOL LOL

Here's another scenario; trying to pee while hovering over the toilet seat, holding onto a purse with one hand, the door knob with the other, while keeping your pants from touching the floor and lifting your winter coat high enough so the edges don't fall in the toilet.  Reaching for, and actually using, toilet paper (if there) seems like an impossible dream.  There's no way to simultaneously hold onto everything and grab the toilet paper and wipe without constantly banging your head on the door that won't lock.  Then go to the sink where, not only can you not figure out how to use it, but the soap dispenser is empty.  The high velocity dryers, however, do work.  So while you feel like you need a shower, a change of clothes and an aspirin after exiting a public restroom, your hands have been blown wrinkle-free.  That's my 'cup half-full' scenario.

I have zero experience with men's bathrooms, but I heard once that men's bathrooms in sports stadiums use troughs.  Troughs to pee in!  Now that's what I'm talking about!

In reply toRe: msg 883
Jenifer (Zarknorph)
Host
Why December Is Always Exhausting

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SharpEye1

From: SharpEye1

Jan-1

An elderly lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I ?would like to withdraw $20.00
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100.00 please use the ATM.
The lady wanted to know why.
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The woman remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash
currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The Senior then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000
"Well, please let me have $3000 now”,
The teller then handed the $3,000.00 very friendly and respectfully to her.
The woman put $20.00 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,980.00 back into her account.
The moral of this tale .......
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning their life skills
Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Jan-10

Tom Rush - Remember Song

Hi Gang, I'm embarking on yet *another* a new adventure on https://www.patreon.com/TomRush, a series of weekly online offerings - kitchen-table videos of son...

Jenifer (Zarknorph)
Host

From: Jenifer (Zarknorph)

Jan-20

If Canadian Winter Had A Video Game

Hi there hello please click the subscribe button and turn on notifications so I can feed my cats.Twitter/Instagram: @TheRyanGeorge

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