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Post your jokes here   Fun and Games

Started 4/20/18 by PTG (anotherPTG); 292673 views.
Energyworker

From: Energyworker

Oct-25

Converting a Bear

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!" So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear. They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday." The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday." Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Nov-2

Clever Words !

1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. 
2. BERNADETTE  The act of torching a mortgage. 
3. BURGLARIZE  What a crook sees through. 
4. AVOIDABLE  What a bullfighter tries to do. 
5. COUNTERFEITER  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. 
6. LEFT BANK  What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money 
7. HEROES  What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES  What you see from the Eiffel Tower. 
9. PARADOX 
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LvlSlgr

From: LvlSlgr

Nov-2

Di, those wonderful definitions for those words. Definitely laughed out loud at most of them. smile

katiek2

From: katiek2

Nov-3

Wish I had the type of mind that would think these up.  Wonderful!

Di (amina046)

From: Di (amina046)

Nov-6

 

.  ~ Jean Kerr...  
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

 

    ~ Prince Philip...  
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

 


~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

 
~ Spike Milligan...  
The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree. 

 
~ Jean Rostand...  
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

 
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...  
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.


~

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bajon

From: bajon

Nov-8

Thank you for making me laugh. I really needed a good laugh.

katiek2

From: katiek2

Nov-17

From my English Bulldog forum:  Long, but adequately describes life with an English Bulldog.  If you don't laugh, you're either dead or not human...

Hoss, and the Ball on the Stick

Hoss was a clown…a really funny pure white clown with a brindle tail. Hoss was a BULLDOG. There’s nothing out of the ordinary about a clownish white Bulldog, except that Hoss was a bit different. At about 60 lbs and of particularly good breeding, he sported a massive head and chest, and a tiny little butt. His eyes were spread far apart and sat low on his head just above a thick double nose rope. The pocket beneath that rope was deep and he stored all kinds of funk in there. Cleaning it was a twice-a-day affair when he was with us. His paws were the largest I’ve ever seen and usually affected by interdigital cysts. Before we rescued him he nearly died twice. He was rushed to the Vet on both occasions; once for heat stroke and once because a rock was obstructing his airway. I’m not sure about the rock, whether he was bored or simply liked the taste of rocks. He recovered from those incidences well enough, however, I’m confident that his mental capacity was diminished as a result. Hoss was friendly. Hoss was gassy. Hoss was very loving. Hoss was not smart.

Donna, my wife at that time, worked at the vet clinic where Hoss was treated. She adored Hoss and looked forward to his office visits to address seasonal skin issues that were allowed to get out of hand and to bathe him. You see, Hoss was an outdoor dog of sorts. He lived in the garage year round and roamed the yard and neighborhood as he pleased. He rarely got bathed. His wide “double” nose rope needed constant attention, as did his skin, ears and eyes. Where he was living he got little of that. He was always in some state of decline or disrepair.

I was told by his previous owner, Mrs. J, that her son and the neighborhood kids played basketball in the adjacent driveway and tormented him with the ball. Consequently, he hated basketballs and could chase one down and pop it within seconds. He had a love hate relationship with all sorts of sporting goods…balls, pucks, hockey sticks, gloves, golf clubs, etc. and anything resembling a ball or a stick. He could chew the cover off of a golf ball in about 10 minutes. I still have the dime he got hold of one day and bent it nearly in half. I’ve pondered it many times and still cannot imagine what pleasure a Bulldog (or any animal with half a brain) could possibly get from chewing a coin. Maybe it’s because he had less than half. I do recall that I could yell out his name, “HOSS!!”, and count to 5…1,2,3,4,5…and his brain would catch up and he’d snap around, look at me… 1,2,3,4,5… he’d come running. He’d not stop until he hit me square in the shin(s). “OK, I’m here…What?”

As best I can remember, Donna called me at work on a Friday afternoon and asked if I were interested in adopting a Bulldog. That would mean a 2 Bulldog household. Hoss’ family had decided that after 5 years, they simply could not keep up with his medical needs and were looking to re-home him. They knew Donna loved him very much and that we already had Bulldog experience having a 2 yr old white female, Naggy. I was eager to adopt Hoss.

Saturday AM couldn’t come soon enough. Donna, my 14 yr old son, and I set out to go pick up our new Bully. Having never met Hoss, I didn’t quite know what to expect. When we arrived at his home we were met by Mrs. J. She handed us a lead and a bag of food and called Hoss out of the garage. He came right
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Randytb

From: Randytb

Nov-18

First  time posting so be nice lol

I steeped on a Cheerios this morning  ----- now I am a serial killer

Getting old should come with instructions -- Like this morning I had to by a new deodorant.... got home and read instructions --- it said remove top and push up bottom---

Well it hurts to walk but now when I F**t   I smell great

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