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My feelings of self-satisfaction are somewhat cut short when I look at Charlie’s face and realize that perhaps all is not now well!
Time to be elsewhere while they are still somewhat recovering and merely screaming revenge.
So I very quickly flee to my room in the Hospital wing with my broom.
Once there I go over to my bed and plump it up until there is the appearance of me still in it.
Then I take one of the clown masks and hats from my Anniversary Room and prop them on the pillow.
Mmmmm! Not a bad deception when viewed quickly by enraged eyes!
I then slip out and nearly bump into the Cap’n, who is totally bemused and so guide him to his bed in ROOM 001.
I plop him down on the bad, muttering incoherencies, arrange him in exactly the same way as I did for myself and once more place a clown hat on his pillow. He is moaning and groaning so I slip him a toddy of his favourite brew which quietens him down.
I peer outside his door and sense rather than see a whirlwind of dust bunnies rapidly approaching towards me down the corridor.
It must be Roo, Roo hidden under her cloak. She is on the warpath!
She disappears into my room, screams “YOU VILEST OF EXCREMENTS! Look what you did to my new fashion skirt when I spilt red wine all over it!
“You will pay and begins to lambast my bed until the room is covered in feathers.
My broom is very happy as there is now a mess to clean up!
Then “the penny drops”!
I am not in the bed and she is pummeling it for nothing.
This seems to enrage her more as the sweat drips down her face onto her pristine cloak!
Then from next door, I cough discreetly and wait.
In a flash, my broom still in hand, she is there besides Cap’n Bob’s bed.
“Oh No! I’m not falling for that trick twice!”
But she give the reclining bulk on it a prod.
And gets back in return “AAAHHHRRRR!”
“You ARE there so Take this and Take that!” as a cascade of blows heaps onto the recumbent form of the Cap’n.
Unlike anything I have seen before, in an instant the Cap’n goes into attack mode and still covered in a white bed sheet, like an Arab Sheikh, he descends on his opponent with his sai drawn!!
The duel is very short lived as I leave Roo, Roo sprawled on the floor with a drawn sword pricking her neck and the Cap’n mumbling
“Oh! I am sorry!
“Where is that load of trouble? He is the cause of our confusion!”
Time for me to repair back to the Tea Room for a welcome cup of hong cha!
It has been a momentous morning!
As Mrs Fletcher comes walking calmly forward toward the table where our dear Friend PTG has just settled Himself in with the biggest smile ever. In one hand She carries a large pot of PTG's favorite Hong cha tea, cup and a verity of Opals fabulous Tea Cakes arranged on a delicate English Bone China plate........My oh my PTG...look what you did and it's a good thing that you are our Chief Sweeper here in the Castle....I don't know what we would do without that mighty broom of yours...Before leaving PTG to enjoy His tea Mrs Fletcher gives his shoulder a gentle squeeze, chuckles to herself....and without a backward glance She exits the room..."There's never a dull moment here in the Tea Room is there My Friend....(Whispering can be heard only by Mrs Fletcher responding back...) "Ahhhh yes...I too think we should let PTG, Roo and Captain Randy figure out this latest dilemma and go and find Angel.......to discuss...Shhh!" Here is where I will stop dear Friends but it will be something Fantastic!!!...
As Mrs Fletcher takes Her leave from the Tea Room, She can't help but feel Her dear Friend Captain Randy's poor measurable mighty Headache. Not to mention His confusion of how his headache came to be anyway......."Hummmm...I know just the very thing that will help my dear Old Galoot!!" ....."A strong mug of Honey Rum along with a tray of His very favorite Goodies made just for Him...Yup...That should do the trick!".......
As I lay spread-eagled on the floor with Randy’s sword at my throat I see PTG quietly slither out the door.Under my breathe I mutter.
“You can skulk off my friend but have no doubt, I will find you!!
I return my thoughts to the matter in hand.
“Oh! I am sorry.....is that all you can say after almost severing my head from my body?” I do not give Randy a chance to reply,I pull out a pistol & fire a shot in the air.Randy raises his hands in surrender & backs up to the closed door.
I grab my set of short handled circus knives & carefully throw all 20 of them at Randy! As the last one hits home they form the outline of a man.
Randy finally opens his eyes to find himself pinned to the door by his jacket & trousers.I take off his boots, which leave him 3 inches from the ground & unable to free himself.
Randy is screaming oaths at me which is getting on my nerves so I slam the door against the wall with a little too much force & hear a crack as his forehead hits the wall (oops).I peep round the door & see he is out for the count.
I leave closing the door, placing a ‘Do not disturb” sign on the handle.
And now for PTG......
As expected my plan is working like a dream.I have checked & re-checked my precise calculations several times while PTG has been running around trying to find a safe place to hide.I tuck myself out of sight & wait.......
I hear voices outside, it is PTG talking to a group of citizens queuing at the Broken Well.
He asks them if they have seen me lately & is informed I was in the Belfry earlier but I left after a few minutes & no-one saw me return.
I can almost hear what he is thinking...’If Roo has already searched the Belfry she will have now moved on to search the rest of the castle & I will be safe there for a couple of hours’.
As I hear PTG’s heavy footsteps coming up the stairs to the top of the Belfry I smile & thank goodness for his predictable reasoning.
He enters the bell tower, has a quick look around, turns the lock in the door & heaves a huge sigh of relief when he sees the pristine rug on the floor.He sits & takes off his boots which are still damp, then as he rubs his sore toes I give the command for my Flying Carpet to start the action....
The carpet rises & swirls around the bells at lightning speed.This disturbs the bats & they attack.PTG releases one of his hands, that have been firmly attached to the edge of the carpet to swat the bats.As previously instructed the Flying Carpet dips & rises like a ship on the high seas, PTG has no choice but to hang on with both hands.I stand in the middle of the room & roar with laughter.
The sight of me sends PTG into a rage as a light flickers on in his head, ha ha.
PTG has been screaming & cussing at me for about 5 minutes as the carpet continues to circle around & around & around again.
“ENOUGH! “ I shout.”You are wasting your time, I am still temporarily deaf from your Bullhorn & cannot hear a single word”.I command the Flying Carpet to stop circling & hover next to the huge bell.PTG lunges for the bell & hangs on for dear life as he dangles 15 feet from the ground.At the same time I remove the cover from the bathtub filled with ice cubes that is directly below him.As he lunges forward his broom falls out of his pocket & sinks to the bottom of the tub.Instinct kicks in & the broom goes into a state of hibernation.
Tsk, tsk....sigh.....he is going to be sooooo....sorry he did that.
The Flying Carpet descends to the ground to rest at my feet.
“Now PTG I suggest you listen very carefully as your life depends on it!”
PTG falls silent as I continue.
I remove the cover from the Steam Mechanism & start placing coins in the pay slot.
“As you are aware the Steam Mechanism ‘Lets out a lot of hot air’, this will melt all the ice cubes in the bathtub in about 20 minutes.You may not have noticed that the bell rope is also attached to the Steam Mechanism, as the cogs rotate to produce steam the bell will ring & you will swing back & forth.Your only avenue of escape is to fall into the bathtub, but beware my friend....If you jump before the ice cubes have melted you will not have any water to put out the 25 minute fuses on the dynamite placed around the room.
I light the fuses & head for the door, picking up PTG’s boots & placing them outside the door.I turn back to PTG to say
“Have a nice day” & close the door as I leave. (ha ha ha ha).
I stop at Trina’s room on the way out & give her 200 postcards to take the wolf & puppies for a long walk.I explain what is about to happen upstairs emphasising the fact that her home is safe as there are only a few specks of explosive material in the dynamite sticks, at worst this will create a small firework display.
I am appalled!
There is no other word strong enough to use – I am appalled!
The ever volatile 3ic (aka Roo, Roo) has just skewered my Cap’n to the wall with lethal daggers and then rendered a coup de grace, by knocking him out on that nearby wall.
If that is what she is capable of when he is just exerting his authority then God help me when she catches me!
I need both to disappear and form a Cunning Plan marked MOST URGENT! to counter her present madness.
But I am appalled!
Her weapons are lethal and many but mine are not inconsiderable either.
I need to attack before I am attacked, but how and where?
In the blink of an eye I rummage around the HOS Repository with my broom’s help and then have a rather unpleasant tussle with a large swan who wishes to keep her fishing net.
I had always thought that a swan’s beak was rounded but this one was a fish piercing blade that easily nicked my hands and arms until they were a sea of hasty and bloody dressings!
I then “doctor” the net to render it impenetrable to cutting, chopping, slicing or otherwise able to free anyone or anything trapped in it.
I gather together the rest of my “armoury” and set off up into the Castle
That harridan could be anywhere so I instruct my broom to tell me if she is about as I climb up the hill .
I also ask any passers-by if they have seen her or even any unexplained dust whirlwinds in the area.
Finally a sighting!
She has been spotted in the Belfry peering out of its large windows.
I creep up the stairs to the door and place my reinforced fishnet around the door frame. Then I quietly open the door and make as if to enter – at the same time closing the trap on…
Oh! She is not there!
Well if she has gone elsewhere then that’s a relief and I can relax here for a few seconds.
All this activity has made me tired and thirsty as well and those special boots are feeling a bit tight as they are still wet.
I shuck them off for a moment and wriggle my toes in the soft plush rug!
I tug the corner of the rug to straighten its edge when suddenly it is whisked away!
I just catch a glimpse of the leading edge of it rising up into the rafters as it knocks against one of the bells
Quiet a dramatic result as it disturbs the resident bat population who now are not happy and go for me!
SWAT! SWAT! As I down the little varmints.
The “penny drops”. This is no ordinary rug but the Flying Carpet!
Who, may I ask, is in charge of it at this moment, as if I do not know?
That pesky Roo, Roo who thinks that to see me hanging on for dear life is amusing.
I need to counterattack! even as I shout and curse at her while in motion.
"Broom – get rid of those bats! ALL of them out of the windows NOW!"
Just then the Carpet pauses and I grab the rope of the large bell and hang on there while I collect my thoughts and calm my mind. I can hear Roo’s instructions from below and it seems she has bested me yet once again.
Oh ye of little faith!
I am the Chief Sweeper Upper of the MC and its Keeper of the HOS Repository.
As she quits the room she regards my broom as temporarily useless to me.
But a small twig floating in a bath of water so considerately provided by her.
She quits the Belfry giggling like a little schoolgirl who has just won the first prize.
I tell my broom that if it is not fully operational and waiting my orders in the next 10 seconds then it will be matchsticks!
It bobs to the bath’s surface and enlarges once more.
“Spread the fishing net flat on top of the bathtub”
I then drop onto it and clamber down.
Quickly I open the hidden space in its handle and extract a slender stick of dynamite.
Rummaging around in my mind I find where the nearest aperture is and enter.
Just before I close it I toss the lit dynamite into the room
The full force of the dynamite which has rolled just below the bathtub blasts it through the wall and down the hill where it finds Roo, Roo and Trina having a chuckle at my expense.
One very large dire wolf springs into immediate action and bats the missile away, but not before the tub is able to discharge its contents over the two women.
Soaked and shouting very unladylike profanities they mop up and wring their clothes as dry as possible.
I regard one sodden invisible cloak as undamaged. In fact it needed washing! And as for Trina and her fripperies, time she changed her outfit!
I return down the hill and back to the Tea Room.
No doubt there will be repercussions, but THAT was worth while!
"Could I have fresh cup of hong cha, please?"
I ripe myself off the door cursing and screaming like a Tasmanian Devil and swear unbridled revenge on both Roo Roo and PTG yeah okay he DID take me and put me to bed BUT he put me in HIS bed and covered me knowing ROO was on her way to beat the crap out of him in payback.
Well seeing those two spoiled rotten children want a war okay game on time for Poppa to hand out some lessons.
I stop for a minute touch my booming forehead and feel the goose sized egg forming and nose pulsing means I am going to look like Hamburlger or Rocky Racoon. GRRRRRRRRRR.
Good thing my special gift from PTG'S Godmother (my pants) came out unscathed my my shirt well that is a waste of my eye sight as I can see it hanging still by those knives and in a shape of my upper body ,,, I smile just for a sec * not bad for an old galoot *
Back to my plan,,, through my Amulet I hear what PTG has done to Roo and Trina OH DEAR what has that idjit done? and to get Mamma Dire in it??? OH DEAR.
But this works in perfect for me off I go to the Tea Room.
I run to my room grab a shirt and head over to see Charlie,,,,,,,,
Hey Charlie where is Pepe La Phew?? as if I have to ask.
She looks at me is about to say what are you up to but decides just to point and say follow the Rose Petals and take a bottel of Champagne with you ,,
$%^&*()(*&^%$# off I scoot to the Kitchen and tell Opel hide the Tomato Juice and where is that bottle of ,,, never mind I know where it is,,, off to the Anniversary Room grab the Rocket and a bottle of bubbly back to the critters.
With bottle in hand I follow the rose petals and find Pepe chasing Stinky who is a cat not a Skunk crazy French Skunk,, as he grabs Stinky and whispers ( French accent here) oh mon amour come wiff moi to da land of love and as Stinky turns green she fly's away to hide,,,
Pepe laughs silly woman you can no hide from da greatest lover in da world MOI
I stand there and say okay world's greatest lover CAN IT I NEED YOU.
OUI OUI moi Capitain at your service.
Come with me and here DO NOT DROP THESE as I hand him the bubbly and the rocket .