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I look up from my latest creation.
It's a banana beard.
Robert the Weird has commissioned it.
Or was he hungry for toast?
"Do you smell toast?!" I cry. "Does that mean we're all having a stroke?!"
Sharp Eye hands me a stick of dynamite.
"Awww! How did you know?" I happily accept my belated Valentines Day present.
"You wanna blow some stuff up with Randy?" She asks, in the sort of way you ask a puppy if he wants to go to the park.
"Does the Pope shit in the woods?!" I leap to my feet and prepare my battle garb. A cute skirt made out of fifteen oven mitts sewn together, knee high boots, wrapped in a festive tartan fabric, a centurion helmet and a new teddy bear corset with two ideally placed bicycle horns to rally the troops.
Sharp Eye honks one of my horns. "Let's go!"
I slap her. "Boundaries!!"
I could use a wee dram of your Honey Rum right about now Captain Randy (hint, hint ) along with a large bowl of Opal's Irish Stew and a loaf of Her fresh baked bread ta boot! Yum, yum,yum!!! "Bang!!" Just as Captain Randy and Pup sit themselves down for lunch....the front doors to the Tea Room come crashing in followed by Salty leading a large group of Citizens from MC's Castle and Neighboring Realms into the Tea Rooms eating Parlors.....""What the Blue Blazes Salty leads you entering the Tea Room in such a fashion Salty!!"" Captain Randy shouts loudly over the commotion surrounding area...."Things is really "Bad" out there and are happening all over the place Captain and everyone needs your help that's what's happening!" Salty tries to explain....."I wonder if this is Murks and the White Ogre's way of trying to distract us some how and to divide our forces in such a way to cause us to fail Captain Randy." "How do we proceed from here?" Pup asks as Her Dragon Sword begins to burn Brightly on Pups back as if anticipation the Battles ahead.....
Pup and I just sit down to Opel belly warming Irish Stew.
Now Pup you never drank any thing stronger then coffee so sip that golden nectar slowly.
All of a sudden the door crashes in and Pup and I both jump up swords ready to slice and dice.
@#$%^&*()_)(*&^%$#@#$%^&*( craponacracker Salty ya trying to get killed???
I let him say what he had to say then told him I already knew trouble and blood was in the air and we will be ready just get back to The Tavern and hunker down and protect my Honey Rum from thos Moles lol
Seconds after Salty leaves the door fly's open again and we here YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOO anybody home?
There stands befoe me is a vision of what I can not put into words,,, well well well look what the cat drug in,,,
Jen Jen Jen you have outdone yourself this time but if I was you I would change that thing around your waist(Pup leans in and whispers ** corset Cap it is a corset***)ya ya that thing you do not want everyone talking now do ya?
She glares at me like HOW DARE I SPEAK OF HER NEW OUTFIT and what the hell do I mean??
Well you do remember my nic name right?
I get a blank stare TEDDY BEAR YOU CRAZY WOMAN,,,, have you blasted your memory to kingdom come?
Oh man if looks could kill I would be six feet under.
I was laughing so hard until Jen said hey it's okay you King Loonie Toon after all you payed for this vision of beauty oh and Miss Kaley would like to see you>
I chocked WHAT???
WHERE ? HOW? WHEN DI YOU GET MY CARD??? ANGEL???????????
I swear you are going to kill me before Murk Arabella or The White Orge what do you take me for your personal ATM machine??
Hey Jen before I wring your neck for putting me in the poor house do you have any of those fire crackers left??
NO NO NO not TNT I need to wake PTG over there up not blow him to bits.
I think Roo Roo has some hang on I will go ask her>
By this time my stew is cold and my Honey Rum hot .
I set Randy's stew on fire as he wakes PTG.
That should appease the idjit.
I lay my arsenal on the table and take inventory.
20 sticks of TNT - check
5 x 5 wrapped dynamite sticks with timer detonator - check.
1 Samurai sword - check
1 old fashioned round black bomb with fuse (for sentimentality) - check
1 ham sandwich - check
1 carrot - check
I look to Randy lighting firecrackers over PTG's head and hand him the hot honey rum. "You could always throw this in his face".
Randy glares at me. I shrug, "Whatever. Look, you seem relatively lucid, but I know better than to ask you what the plan is, or what the hell is going on. All I know is that we need to get Hoppy from the Tree Hole on the way to whoever you've pissed off this week".
"ME?!!" Randy splutters
"Who I'VE pissed off?! Oh, pardon my French ma'am."
"I'm not a ma'am!" PTG bats away the firecrackers. They land in Randy's rum.
"I miss Grim" I sigh.
"Look YOU'RE the one who's always causing trouble!"
"Ah, you say potato, I say tomato."
"Jen?" PTG peers at me. "Are you with us?"
"That depends..." I absently chew on a stick of TNT as I muse. "Can you tell me - in twenty five words or less - who we are fighting and why?"
PTG and Randy look at each other.
I HAD BEEN OUT GATHERING SUPPLIES AGAIN, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN UNLOADING FOODS I HAD PICKED UP. WHEN I HEARD JEN WREN TAKING INVENTORY OF WHAT SHE HAD.
I WALK INTO THE TEA ROOM STOP NEXT TO THE TABLE UNLOAD THE DYNAMITE I HAD PICKED UP ON THIS ROUND. LAID IT BESIDE WHAT WAS THERE 4 NO FIVE STICKS. AND ASKED CAN YOU USE THIS. I HAVE NO USE FOR IT AND NO PLACE TO STORE IT SAFELY. OH! I DO COME ACROSS THE ROUND BOMBS FROM TIME TO TIME WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GET THEM ALSO?
WITH THAT I RETURNED TO THE TABLE WHERE MY CHAIR WAS, STEPPING OVER PTG STILL LYING ON THE FLOOR BUT AT LEASE NOT CRAZY ANY LONGER. SUGAR AND SPICE SAT BESIDE ME. ONE ON EACH SIDE. OPAL BROUGHT ME MY LUNCH. THE STEW WAS HOT AND VERY TASTY. THE COFFEE NOT TOO HOT TO SIP AND JUST SWEET ENOUGH TO CUT THE BITTER AFTER TASTE OF STRONG COFFEE. I WOULD NEVER TELL OPAL OR KATT I WOULD RATHER HAVE A LITTLE WEAKER BREW. HONEY DID A VERY GOOD JOB ON OPAL'S STRONG COFFEE.
SPICE STOOD DECLARED SHE WAS GOING TO HUNT. BE VERY CAREFUL MY PET, SOME BAD THINGS ARE GOING ON AND TROUBLE IS ON ITS WAY. SHE NODDED AND LEFT THE TEA ROOM, GOING OUT THE BACK. SUGAR TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY, SPICE WOULD BE FINE AFTER ALL THEY WERE IMMORTAL, THE GODDESS WHO HAD GIVEN THEM TO ME HAD DONE SOMETHING TO THEM TO MAKE THEM IMMORTAL SINCE THEY WERE THE LAST OF THEIR SPECIES.
"Pisssst Angel!' "Pisssst Angel!!!" "Over here behind this rubber tree in the furthest Lunch Room corner....!!! Did you notice something a wee bit different in PTG? "No?" Well I did but just for a split second or two before He Morphed back into His Normal "Castle Sweeper" disguise.....Hummmmm!...."Think we should keep this to ourselves for just a little while until we know more right?"....."Don't want ta alarm anyone unnecessary like if there's noth'un to be alarmed about thats what Captain Randy would say!" Now lets go over and discuss whats what with Captain, PTG and Jenny OK?
I slowly return to the surface of my consciousness with these terrible thoughts blasting through my brain
But I cannot move!
I am prone on a beer sodden floor that I immediately taste as Salty’s grime infested bar.
I am flat on my back and immobile.
Whoever has been using me as a weight to hold me down moves away but I am still immobile?????
I have been hog-tied with my own huggie jacket.
I peer around and see a smug looking Cap’n who believes that he has just saved my soul.
But he has just all but taken it away!
“I see you have calmed down now?”
A question and not a statement.
If I want to get free and try to escape, I MUST be compliant.
So I just nod and try a weak smile before being drowned in hong cha that is FAR too strong AND hot!
Angel, who had just been using me as her cushion slowly and cautiously undoes the knots of my jacket and stands back.
“NOW!!!!!” Explain yourself roars Cap’n Bob.!
I get to my feet rather unsteadily and measure the distance between me and the nearest aperture in the wall.
DRAT! It is too far for immediate escape so I try Plan B.
That is to get ALL the others to escape with me.
So I need to explain to my fellow musketeers what is so .dreadfully amiss.
Standing and looking at Jen =between setting off firecrackers around PTG;S head trying not to hit Angel who was sitting on his chest,, ===watching Charlie dump more ammo for Jen == trying to put my blazing Honey Rum out ((( thanks Jen thanks you doll aka Chuckies bride)))===watching Angel get up and untie PTG"S Huggie Jacket === I thunck to me self dis gota be a movie Comedy ??? Drama??? War???? Fantasy ??? oh I know *ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST* And I am John Wayne???? Peter Sellers???? Jack Nickelson ????
I have Jen screaming in one ear PTG trying to explain what happened to him in the other,,,
MY head explodes and I scream ENOUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Every thing goes dead silent whew what a relief.
Okay now that I have your undivided attention,, this is what is going on.
I have had a spine tingle for a bit now and after doing recons and gathering info from Salty,,, our neighbors,,, the moles,,, and much more I have found out we are about to be attacked in a huge way ,, this is life or death so listen up.
I pull out the paper Angel copied from the table and laid it down for all to see.
Pay close attention I point to the white side and say this is us and over there are our attackers lead by I am sure Murk and Uggly Arabella.
They have some how managed to gather a deadly army of Ogres lead by The White Oreg and he in turn has Goblins Ghouls with him.
That is why we have to plan this very very carefully or it will be or end.
They are going to attack us from The Bone Kingdom by tunnels they are building under our Dome ,,, as you now know when the dome was placed and blessed by the Eleven Elders it did not include the two areas of The Bone Kingdom nor the Northern Island where the Vikings are,, now not knowing much about that area nor them ,, are the foe or friend and we know even less about all within The Bone Kingdom
But I do know about the others for I have faced them several times before I landed here with you.
Now it is important to know how they will work,,, the wave will come in three parts first will be the Ogres second will be at sunset then because they live underground and would be killed by the Sun yep just like a Vampire will be The Ghouls they wait till there prey(us) are at our weakest then attack and kill any reaming fighters.
First step is to get the catapults and the pig carcasses to the other side so we can launch them the Brulee and Jewel will light them up
That will take care of the first attackers,,,
Now the second and third wave will be a bit tricky,,,, this is where we will see there reaction and who follows them.
This is where we are going to fight for our lives as it will be hand to hand Frost nor the other Dragons can help at this point they will not be able to hit the enemy and not us.
Now this is where you come in ,,,, I need your ideas any plan in what you can do or think will work.
We all have to stand together on this one.
Okay speak up ideas? plans?
I HAVE TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE CAP SO NO ONE CAN HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. CAP, I WHISPER I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU WITHOUT THE OTHERS. THEN I TURN TO ANGEL, JEN AND PUP. AND SAY KEEP A VERY CLOSE EYE ON PTG HE MAY NOT BE TOTALLY HIMSELF YET. NOT SURE THEY UNDERSTAND IT TELL SPICE DO NOT LET PTG TRY TO LEAVE THIS ROOM, DO NOT HARM HIM JUST KEEP HIM HERE.
CAP AND I GO TO THE AREA CLOSE TO THE DOOR. SPEAKING IN LOW WHISPERS THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN HEAR.