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I peer closely at PTG. "Anyone home?"
PTG says nothing. He does not even react to my voice.
"That's not right" I scratch my head.
"Can you sense anything?"
I look to Sharpeye. "I'm no exorcist, but if PTG is in there, I know how to get his attention."
"Thanks," I take the offered piece, then turn to Randy and Sharpeye. Through a thick mouthful of chocolate I answer "I just have to piss him off".
I take one more bite, then slam the rest of it on top of PTG's head. I roll up my sleeves and pinch his cheeks. Giving them a firm wobble I begin to chant...
Where thee be?
Don't ye flee
Thou needs to pee
I have Brie!
Hey, there's a flea
On your knee!
Where is the key?
Listen to me
I'll count to three..
I'm punched in the face and land flat on my back.
"Shut UP, you infuriating woman!!"
I sit up. "Well, I got him to the surface. Now what?"
My mind is here and yet is not here.
I am somewhat rudely awaked by a familiar voice and the smell of cordite.
I wait for a second as my brain processes these important thoughts.
I try to escape from the “here” as fast as I can but am held back by my chair???
I try to glance down but am also hogtied by my own huggie jacket!
Who is the dastardly enemy that has done this to me?
With every fibre of my being and super human strength, I split my jacket
down to the seams and shred it.
I glance at the open mouths of Mrs Fletcher and Angel as they realise what I have done.
“Dastardly FOE! Demonic ENEMY!!!!
“You Harpie from the other Realm. I saved you from a fate worse than eternal damnation in Hell and you repay me like this!”
My hands are now free and I launch myself at Jenifer!
Only to be bowled over and banjaxed by the Cap’n closely followed by Opel’s soup ladle and finished off by the flat of Pup’s sword.
“STOP this madness NOOOWWW!!!” roars an incandescent Cap’n “And explain yourself”
“We are about to go to war with our enemies and you behave like this with our colleague.
“What on earth is wrong with you?”
While I watch, Jenifer tries once more to soar in this air, only to be grounded by her own attire. Naked she may have gotten away with it!
Jenifer rounds on my prone form and attempts to make me eat a stick of dynamite! Which I spit out before she can light it!
They are all waiting!
“When I was reconnoitring the tunnels in the Bone Kingdom I saw little piles of a deep blue crystal that the enemy troops were gathering together with reverence and great care.
“While I watched, occasionally one of the guards would tip his lance with one of them and then touch a nearby rat while saying some incantation.
“Pooff! The rat squealed and then lay dead.
“The crystals must be a deadly poison if mishandled.
“Around Jenifer’s neck is a ringlet of these crystals. Enough to kill us all instantly!
“Where has she got them from? I’ve only seen them before in the other Realm when she was Looking for Grim and I was looking for her.
“What incantations has she used to get back here with us?
“I MUST FLEEEEE with that necklace to save us all!!!”
Holding Jenny behind me and my Sai pointed at PTG with a mad man's crazed look in his eyes and mouth frothing.
I scream JENN STOP MOVING LIKE A WIGGEL WORM do you really want PTG or what /who ever this is to grab you?
PTG jumps for Jenny I jump for PTG and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMM we collide mid air.
I managed to hit him right in the solar plexus so we all heard a very loud WHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPand @#$%^&*()_+_)(*&^% from me as I wack my head on a chair.
Instinct takes over and I grab PTG in a scissor lock *** I have steel for legs ya know***** and every time PTG moved I squeezed .
CAP CAP CAP STOP IT YOU IDJIT YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK NE IN HALF
Now that sounds more like our PTG so I ease up abit yet say I will not let you go until we clear this mess up and to make sure he understands my Sai is at his throat and Pup has her sword aimed at his heart.
To make matters worse JENNY Saunders over and picks up the cake plate looks at it runs her tongue over the edge getting a mouth full then turns the plate towards PTG want some??? and SPLAT right in his kisser. he spurts @#$%^&* and trys to grab her but my legs stop him from moving and breathing .
I ease off when I see him turn blue.
JENNY laughs and turns bends over lifts up a few pot holders and says hey look PTG the MOON us out.
I yell JENNY for Gods sake stop teasing him.
WE better get some answers soon I do not know how long I can hold him he is not our soft lill cushion belly PTG we all know there is strength behind his moves
Okay PTG talk it the only way I will let you up .
What about these crystal's tell me all you know,,,
Jen take off that necklace just to be on the safe side that it is true what PTG has said so far,,, she starts to protest so I say I will replace it twice over now please for all our sakes hand it to Opel.
Opel take it in here hand that has been covered in a cloth I have never seen and she softly chants as she covers it
Okay PTG the floor is yours === literally
I HAD BEEN WATCHING THE GOINGS ON FROM THE SAFETY OF MY CHAIR IN THE CORNER. I HAD BEEN WORKING ON THE DRAWINGS FOR A HARNESS FOR GRIFF THAT WOULD MAKE IT SAFE FOR HIM TO CARRY SOMEONE NOT USED TO RIDING. I WAS ABOUT TO ASK THE CAP IF HE THOUGHT IT SAFE FOR ME TO GO TO TOWN TO SEE THE TANNER TO GET THE STRAPS MADE AND TO CLOUD CITY TO GET THE BLACKSMITH TO MAKE THE FASTENINGS. GUESS THAT WILL HAVE TO WAIT. SUGAR AND SPICE WERE STILL ON ALERT. NOT SURE IF THEY WOULD HAVE TO TAKE DOWN PTG IF HE TRIED TO BOLT. THE LEG IRON WOULD SLOW HIM DOWN, BUT WHERE DID THAT SUPER HUMAN STRENGTH COME FROM HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO RIP OF THAT HUGGY JACKET THE WAY HE DID. SOMETHING WAS STILL NOT RIGHT WITH HIM.
I am thoroughly annoyed.
Not only have I lost my bling, but I've been punched in the face, called a Harpie and accused of mooning the catatonic.
This will not do.
I hurl the last of the cake at Randy and prepare to fly out of the window in a huff.
I slip on a detached oven mitt and am back on the floor.
PTG laughs, so I shove some dynamite in his mouth.
I preferred him when he was comatose and Randy when he was in incomprehensible, flatulent idiot.
Well, not the flatulent part... though he could power a small auto-mobile if I remember correctly.
I scratch my head. PTG said he saved me from something. Did he?
I can't remember anything after eating the spaghetti.
Or was it lasagna?
I sigh. I miss my animals.
I wonder how the Critter Liberation Taskforce Offering Rehabilitation In Safety is doing.
"I need to check my CLITORIS!" I cry, then jump out the window.
It appears I cannot fly.
All of a sudden I FEEL CALMER.
In fact I feel drained of energy as though I have been fighting a battle against enormous odds.
Is it a coincidence that this happened the moment Opel covered those cursed crystals?
I MUST find out where Jen got them from as they are the SOURCE of the evil surrounding us.
Was it Kayley’s when she did her shopping for “trinkets”?
I manage to turn my head around a little to escape the scissor lock encasing it by the Capn's limbs.
Just in time to see Jen fly out of the window!
But it is too late and she has gone AWOL
It is a coincidence that at this precise moment a sudden gust filling her oven mitts tosses her UPWARDS into the air towards the top steeple of the Castle.
“We must save her!
Let me up NOWWWWWW!!!”
I climb rather unsteadily to my feet, totter to the wall and find the aperture that gets me to the HOS Repository.
There, I bundle together an assortment of umbrellas and a kite, return to the Tea Room and toss them out of the window.
The same wind updraft carries the kite and umbrellas like a lance in the direction of the rear end of Jen
This will be painful even though it will save her.
I have never heard her describe her Critters Liberation movement in this way before when at the podium.
In fact, language she uses on the umbrellas' contact would make a caveman blush into his didgeridoo!
She opens two of the largest umbrellas and begins to float gently down back to the Tea Room (but with no full moon as a back-drop!).
“Now get inside and tell us WHERE you got that necklace!”
I remove the umbrella carefully.
"OK, so no to flying."
I should start a list.
“Now get inside and tell us WHERE you got that necklace!”
"I don't know!" I shout back. "I guess I found it in the House of Schpadoinkle workshop."
After letting PTG up to help Jen who is now hanging on for dear life to one of the Castles steppels and watch PTG go POOF through a wall then POOF he is back with umbrellas and a kite.
Hold on there PTG let her hang there for a bit maybe teach her a lesson in throwing good cake at me and calling me and air bag full of chit and incomprehensible, .....I should show her how much of a flatulent idiot I can be,
I could get Opel to cook me up some cabbage and beans then tie Jen to a chair and do a FART dance around her lol
But that would not be fair to the others in The Tea Rooms nor my poor belly.
Okay PTG let her have it ,,,, man the mouth on her would make Murk blush as she floats back into the Tea Room.
Okay you gutter mouth WHERE did you get that necklace??
I slap my head as she says she does not remember ,,, oh just great we are facing extermination and you do not remember?
Come on Jen clear your dust bunnies of *THE CLAP YOUR CLITORIS AND THE HOUSE OF Schpadoinkle .
Sheesh yelling so much I am losing my voice.
Man I need a drink.
"You're the one who pointed out I was wearing it!"
I'm tempted to shove the umbrella where the sun don't shine. But, in Randy's case, that's a fairly large circle of the Earth beneath his ample frame.
"If you want me to cooperate, then you should be nicer to me!"
"I'm awful to everyone!" Randy retorts.
"Fair point." I shrug. "Look, all I remember was heading to my couture workshop to run up this little number. I don't even remember putting the necklace ON!" I think. Hard. "Ow!"
"No more cake for her!"
"I... have NO memory of putting it on." The dawning realization comes over me.
"Well! Useless as ever, I see!"
I decide to take a wild guess as to the centre of where the sun don't shine and lodge the umbrella firmly up Randy's undercarriage. "You're not listening to me, you idjit!! When I say I have NO memory of putting it on, I mean I NEVER put it on! In this reality or anything I can remember from the one before."
Randy wrestles with the umbrella and it pops open. "Oh! THAT'S gonna need stitches!"
"That means that the necklace, whatever it is, appeared while I was in interdimensional transit."
What Jen is bellowing out to the Cap’n slowly sinks into my poor hurting head.
Somehow the jewels in the necklace were picked up while she was either in the other Realm when looking for Grim, or between the Realms when travelling back to ours.
Now the critical question comes to my mind
Where have all the OTHER stones come from that have been piled up in heaps by our enemies?
I look towards Opel who seems to know far more than she is letting on!
She had covered the necklace and also passed incantations over it.