Well craponacracker I guess I am an idjit at times fake mushrooms and dead trees we all need for fire wood.

I am scrambling to find a solution but this is not my area of expertise but your Gnomes and the workers know the tunnels like the back of there hands.

One thing is for sure we have to make sure no one is in those tunnels that all are safe,

My eyes are heavy and when I look at my pocket watch it is 3 am 

I should take a cat nap and by that time PTG will be up bright eyes and bushy tailed and ready to make another attempt in rescuing Jen,

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I feel like it has taken a week to get it all done.

Perhaps it has.

Shirley is actually rather pleasant company.

His people are related to the Gnomes, but don't really interact with them much.

Their primary industry is supplying the Castle with water from the deep wells.

Some of the springs are hot, so that water is piped up to the taverns and wash rooms through an ingenious interconnection of conduits, powered by geysers.

Tarquin is elated at the completely carbon neutral efficiency.

"Right". Shirley stops at the last junction of passages.  "Now this is going to be a delicate negotiation."

I notice his demeanour has changed significantly.  He appears quite frightened.

"We are not the only ones who live in the caves.  The monsters you are about to meet-"

"How dare you?!" Tarquin is in a blistering rage.  "To say such a derogatory thing about any species is a show of ignorance and-"

Shirley sighs and pinches the bridge of his long, hooked nose with his spindly fingers. "Jen..."

I slap Tarquin.

"Thank you.  As I was saying.  The... creatures  you are about to meet do not suffer fools gladly."

I guess Tarquin is about to die.  I wonder if I will care.

 "Please show them as much respect as you can, and no sudden movements."

Shirley takes a deep breath and walks ahead into the cavern.

My first reaction is pleasant surprise.  I was not expecting this level of beauty.  Delicate strands of iridescent silk line the walls and floors.  They glow with their own energy, rendering our torches unnecessary.  I notice Shirley extinguishing his in a barrel by the chamber entrance. 

I do the same.  The light is duller, but my eyes soon adjust.

The silk strands look to go on forever down the cave passage and up into the tunnels.  The light is quite brighter there.  I don't know if the silk is stored there, or if it is being used to barricade the tunnel entrance.

I reach a tentative hand out to the nearest strand, careful not to break it.

My fears were unwarranted, as it is immensely strong.

I wonder if I can get some for a pair of boots.

The movement came with such precise timing that I could only attribute it to my touch. Oops. "Sorry" I whisper to Shirley.

Whatever is coming is big.

And hairy.

And leggy...

The massive spider rears up on it's back six legs, it's pincers clicking with fervent agitation.  It must be ten times my height at this stage.

Tarquin screams.  "Monster!" and passes out.

Shirley jumps behind the barrel of torches.

All I can do is stand there, grinning from ear to ear.

"OUTSTANDING!!"

My head is splitting from hours of bent over the book about TLOD and who he really is or was and why he is the way he is ,

There is a knock on my door and it is Miss Katt ---- come is please , what can I do for you Miss Katt?

Well sorry to disturb you but I need to know how long I need to leave the pig in the brine??

Oh craponacracker I totally forgot the corn roast.

I know you and Opel need plenty of time to set things up and my boys will so what ever you need them to do like build you a pit for Roast Pig Hawain style or a pit that will turn just say the word.

I know we have all been under tremendous stress and I think a corn roast is just the ticket .

Miss Katt leaves with a huge smile boy Opel and her love to cook and bake and this will break the hum drum routine of every day cooking for us to keep us so well fed.

I call Frost **** RIDER **** how do things look ??

All calm on all fronts ---- thank you brave one

I look over to my sword ... no glow no shakes good sign.

I try to shake the sleep stiff neck and headache away seeing I fell asleep reading

I am off to grab a cup of tea before I check on PTG

As I enter the kitchen I find Miss Katt and Opel laughing like two school kids let loose in a candy store.

Good morning again Miss Katt and Opel what has you gring from ear to ear>

Well hush now ya knows why and all will be ready for tomorrow night

I smile  yes we all need this but it is so much work for you both now you hear me loud and clear it is what we love now you get from our kitchen befoe ya face me pan

Okay okay Iam goung.... I head of to PTG;s room and hear soft zzzzzzzzzzz I knock PTG you up???

I appear ro be spending my life saving the Realm and helping my partners accomplish all these acts.

All I get in return are laced drinks to zonk me out!

I would stop drinking their offerings but they make them when I am not fully compos mentis anyway!

Some kind person had transported me back to my hospital cot so I do have something soft to rest on instead of a cold floor.

Also they have forgotten to do up my huggie jacket so my sleeves are loose.

He! He! I am able to escape if needs be!

In my semiconscious state I am aware of my two pets in the rafters looking down at me with total disinterest.

I get a stray thought from my crow.

“No need to bother him. He won’t do anything about it anyhow!”

The strange thing is that it is not looking at me when chatting but up into the corner of the ceiling!

I am now fully awake and peer into the space above.

There in the corner is a brown dot surrounded by a shimmering silver net.

It is a spider and it is obviously having a chat with my pet crow!

Now crows and owls consider fat spiders to be delicious morsels so why is it still alive and kicking?

Moreover my owl seems to be slightly frightened of it and keeping as far away as possible.

A new thought is communicated to me:

“They are in danger you know and their next move may be their last!”

I am confused!

WHO? WHAT? WHERE?

I blink!

The brown dot is no more and neither is the owl.

It has just screeched and bolted across to the other end of the room. When looking closely  where it had just roosted, I now see the same brown dot of that little spider preening itself. And weaving a few strands of a new web.

“Yes!” my crow explains, “It is a jumping spider and a small cousin of what Jen and her friend are facing in the inter Realm caverns you have just escaped from.

“Lucky you had your boots on! Your friend is in grave danger and is about to get acquainted with one of the most lethal creatures in this Realm.

“Your leader, Cap’n Bob, is at this moment being filled in with the details of this peril by his Queen and will shortly pass them onto you”

It then perches on one foot, tosses a wing over its head and begins to snore loudly – as if making a point!

JEN IN DANGER!

What to do now? I have insufficient data to process this to make yet another Cunning Plan!

As I knock again on PTG'S door I hear voices?

He is talking in his sleep -- no he is talking to someone> is he is danger? should I bust the door down?

I hear Hoot Hoot Hoot and caws I stand up because I was bent over like a line backer ready to charge.

I hope those two did not wake him from his much needed sleep my second in command really needed to sleep ,,, I am sure he will understand why I had Opel give him a small dose of her sleppy time powder it really does work you sleep like a baby and no druggie hangover,

I knock again and enter and find PTG siting on the edge of his bed his huggie jacket all a screw on him lol good thing I did not tie it up.

Good morning PTG how did you sleep?

And before you answer it was me who asked Opel to spike your tea you really needed that sleep in your uwn cozy bed and your huggie jacket man after what you have been through ,

I looked at him closer and he was white as a sheet eyes round as saucers

What is it >>

JEN;S IN DANGER NEED * CUNNING P;AN ***

"Now THAT'S what I call a spider!"

This declaration is so absolutely true it deserves a larger font size. 24 should do it.  Then I can be sure that others will not need to press their noses to anything or start shouting.

"Who dares enter this sacred place?!"  The voice of this immense creature is so old it is hard to distinguish the gender.  Tarquin would be proud of the open neutrality.

"AND YOU TALK!" I have to shout that.  It's a given.

"Of course I talk!"

I've never seen an obstinate spider before.  The pincers get very twitchy.

As more light fills the cavern I note the spider's fur is tinged with a soft golden colour.  The eight eyes are not a dark black, but a brilliant blue.  The thorax looks almost jewelled with an iridescent mother of pearl carapace.  The abdomen is unusually engorged, which leads me to believe the spider is female.

And now I finally recognise the danger I am in, in the form of an egg sack behind her.

"Not here to harm." I raise my hands carefully.  "Here to help."

"I could eat."  The spider's reply is bemused.

I glance at an unconscious Tarquin.  "That one is purely grain fed."

He's a one dimensional character that has exhausted his jokes.  This seems a fitting end.

"An offering?"  She seems intrigued.

I consider the ramifications of the act.

On the one hand, I'm feeding a human to a giant spider.

On the other hand, that human is the living embodiment of why everyone can't stand the radical far left.

I should at least wake him and give him the chance to escape.

Two slaps later Tarquin is staring up, mouth agape, and trembling in awe at what could well be his final moments.

"I apologise." I turn to the spider.  "What is your name?"

"Bob."

I am so glad I asked.

"I am the queen of this dark underground realm.  And you are very impertinent to disturb me."

"Impertinent is my middle name." I reply, then turn to Tarquin.  "The queen would like something to eat."

Tarquin nods, "As long as it's not meat, I'll fetch whatever you need."

I frown at him. "She's a spider."

"Specist, but accurate, so I will allow it."

I sigh.  "That means she is a carnivore.  She only eats meat.  Or, more pointedly, drinks it."

Tarquin bristles with self righteous rage. "Unacceptable!" He hisses. "If I can survive on nothing but Kale and Quinoa, then so can everything else!"

I know what is coming, so stand back to get a good vantage point.

Bob strikes with her fangs with lightning precision, hitting Tarquin right in the chest.  Before he even has time to register he has been hit, he is swooped up into the web.  I watch Bob swivel his paralysed body with deft precision, encasing him in an ever expanding cocoon of muffled sanctimony.

His last distinguishable words are a lament about the plight of caged livestock, which seems fitting, before he falls silent.

Bob hangs his soon to be liquefying body up on a nearby stalactite.

"Thank you." She seems calmer.  "Now why are you here?"

"Right.  I'm clearing the tunnels of all the dynamite before they're blown up for the sake of a war-"

"The Evil One" She cuts me off.  "His minions defile my home constantly."

"Well... as far as I know, Randy wants to blow the tunnels to stop them being able to use them."

"Which would seal us all in our tombs."

"Exactly."  I think back to mine with a shiver.  Who made it for me?  I know it wasn't Shirley.  He may have been acting on someone else's orders, however.  But that was a question for another time.  "I have a plan to rid the realm of all dynamite.  But I need a powerful spell to do it."

"Only Arabella could do that."

I sigh.  "Of course."

"She may honour your request... but she would want something in return and is not to be trusted."

I shake my head.  First things first.  "Perhaps there is another way to seal the tunnels.  With no collateral damage."

"We still need to hunt.  Not all our food comes down here so willingly."

I look up at cocoon-Tarquin in consideration. "How long would something that size sustain you?"

"That?  Well over a month, thank you."

"Well... there are minions, you mentioned."

"They use the tunnels above to cross realms for their own

Ever hopeful I go to the table and write down on a blank page

VERY LARGE SPIDER!

Over in a stack of books one of the slender volumes begins to glow.

Is this a clue?

I approach it in order to take it off the shelf and get a short sharp electric shock!

“You are not authorised. Please do not touch!”

A voice from the ether bellows into my eardrums!

“You must first register! Here are the forms necessary to do so, which must include your home address and a receipted bill  together with two references!”

If the matter in hand was not so urgent, I would tell this moronic job smith what to do with his papers. But I desperately need to know about this arachnid so I settle down and begin to fill in all the forms.

I find out that I need to do this in duplicate and they have not had the foresight to give me any carbon paper to facilitate this!

I am exhausted but finally hand in all my papers to a slot under the dais.

Gobble, gobble, wheeze! wheeze! as some ancient device in the dais springs into action.

Then a voice booms out: "Application accepted. You may now use the library!"

I go back to the slender volume glowing on the shelf and extract it from the stack.

When I lay it down on the table it automatically opens on a particular page and some of the lines now glow in the dim library light and indicating the relevant information that I require.

In no time at all, I realise what is happening in the area that Jen and I were exploring.

It is an ancient Realm which is much older than the Castle.

The last thing that we must do to those ancient lines of communication – the tunnels, is to destroy them as Cap’n Bob has planned.

And IF those citizens should find out what we are planning to do  using our local blower-upper who is now incarcerated there.

WE ARE ALL DOOMED!

I race back to the Tea Room to tell the others what I have found out

The smells coming from the kitchen have me belly in a tither and Opel singing a Jamaican song  is great to hear ,,, I have not heard her sing for a long time .

Opel and Miss Katt decided on a spit for the pig a good 800 pound porker

It took all 4 of my boys to get him up on the spit that will turn him for an even roast .

Instead of having someone turn the spit for hours and hours Butch came up with a terrific idea

He took an old bike looped a chain over the back wheel and around the spit then the smart man ran that over to the water wheel by the smaller pound where we get fresh drinking water,

We stood back and watched as the wheel turned and watched the chain go taught and start to turn the spit YAYYYYYYYYYYYY a cheer broke out success.

I have a great idea ..... I rub my Amulet and call Pup and Angel to meet me,

Hey you want a break from your training and go on a trip?

They look at each and nod ,,,, okay lets go as they follow me I hear them where do you think we are going ?

I stop and they both bump into me because they where not paying attention and clucking away like two hens.

Pup gasps as I pull the tarp off of the PUT PUT ... her face lite up like a Xmas tree

Hop on lets go.

Clunk cluck clatter clatter shake rattle and roll and the PUT PUT is air born,

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  

I aim for the the Centaur Forrest 

As we land Chester is there to great us/// well well look what the Put Put brought us you could have given me a heads up Cap you scared the new additions to our clan,

Sorry Chester wanted to surprise you .. well lol mission accomplishment,

I bow to Chester's mate and say hello to his children wow the have grown.

Chester I am here for a few things first may I present Pup and Angel .. ladies this Chester my friend and King of the Centaurs his wife and Queen and his children.

Okay my friend we are having a corn roast and I would like you and your family and any of your clan to join us.

And may I ask for as much fruits and veggies you can spare?

He leaned over to whisper in my ear //// that mean I get to have your nectar Honey Rum but of course I whispered back.

Then it is a deal my friend and looking at his wife .. we shall bring the Lavender wine... she smiles and nods.

I will send the items over and see you tonight my friend.

Thank you as I bow to the Queen we depart see you all later/

We make it back in one piece lol the ole gay still has spunk.

I have a few fun things in mind for the kids for tonight wanta help?

Pup pipes up what is in it for us lol just kidding Cap you know we will do anything for the kids.

Great I was thinking it is still warm so how about a water slide?

I am sure the boys can slap thing together .

Sounds great but slide into what ?

The overgrown pound were Ellie and her hug brood are?

Now that would be a shocker lol

No we do not want anyone hurt or have hundreds of lill Mohawks running around ,,, the kids would love but um not sure about the parents.

No was thinking more along the line of a mud puddle now what kid does not love mud?

Not so sure about that Cap ah come on Angel don"t be a stick in the mud **snicker snicker**

Okay lets go see if Charlie needs any help.

In the back of my mind I am worried about PTG and Jen,,, I hope he has come up with something to get our Jen back and in time for the corn roast that we can turn into a safe return party.

And Jen should have some fireworks left so as we all sit around the fires roasting somemores she can light up the sky for the kids.

All is going great so we decide to grab a snack at the Tea Room just as Angel Pup and I sit the door bursys open and a befuddled PTG burst in yelling DANGER DANGER JEN IN BIGGG TROUBLE ** pant pant*** BIG SPIDER he spreads his arms as far as they will go HUGE HUGE SPIDER JEN NEEDS HELP////// I NEED * A CUNNING PLANE* DANGER DANGER.

I grab him and force him to sit PTG calm down man yer goin pop a vessel here drink ,,, it is okay it is only cold water ,,, he starts to gulp it down and I put my hand on the glass slow down east does it.

Now PYG as calm as you can what about Jen?? what danger she in and what spider all the time my heart is racing and a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.