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As the Sweet old Codger Captain Randy and myself brace ourselves for whats too come....I couldn't help but hear the Tea Room chuckling merrily to Herself at the proceedings going on in Her fine Establishment........You see dear ones, over the many, many years being within The MC's Magical Realm, the Tea Room has taken on and absorbed the personality's of all whom Shes come to love and has combined them all to form one for Herself. This is why Shes laughing Herself silly over the antics of Her Special dear Friends PTG and Roo. Besides isn't a wee bit of a change good for oneself once in a while just to shake out of the doldrums and cobwebs????........
Oh!....This doesn't mean that "She" doesn't need to be Protected from any and all of the "Badies"........that come along...This is why Shes so grateful to those willing like Captain Randy and the Special Room Group defend Her when the need arises........OK....what is everyone just standing around here for????........Please continue cause I'd love to read what happens next between PTG and Roo.........
I am seated on a bar stool in Salty’s
I have been banished there by Roo Roo and Angel who are most enthusiastic about the prospect of redecorating the Tea Room.
“Hi there Salty! Can You give me a large Pig’s Ear please?”
One foaming tankard of Salty’s best Ale is produced and I relax.
“This is the life!” I think to myself as I slurp and give myself a white ‘moustache’
“Let the others take the strain of doing the actual work!”
Then all, hell breaks loose though my amulet.
Those kitchen harpies have objected to what my 3ic and Official Scribe have done and are complaining to the Cap’n!
After a short whine and wail, he sides with THEM and calls me all the names under the sun for allowing my 3ic to vandalise the Tea Room!
Also there now seems to be a strong smell of cat pee emanating from within the Tea Room’s doors.
Can’t even Charlie keep her moggies under control when I am away for a minute?
What finally finishes me off is that the very Tea Room walls start to complain!
What bedevilment has Roo stirred up this time
In a thunderous mood I stomp out of Salty’s
(But not before first finishing my mug of alcoholic nectar)
I head back to confront both Roo and Angel with their latest c**k-up!
And find them both zonked out and snoring and snuffling with the appearance of two exhausted nymphs!
Incensed I think to my broom:
“Find me that magic paint brush in the HOS Repository. The one we used to mark with tunnel walls with invisible symbols that glow when illuminated with artificial light”
Within seconds I have this wonderful weapon in my hands.
“SO!! I think to myself
“You two like exotic decorating then. Well here are some personal additions to your faces!”
I shade in their eyebrows, cheeks and neck with the special paint
Done, I withdraw and send back the brush.
They have now been roused from their dream sleeps by the Cap’n’s bellowing’s and most sulkily remove the sand and plants, while the Gnomes do a speedy renovating to the Room.
Roo is at a loss what to do with one big aspidistra so she goes to hide it in her special hidey hole, with Angel in tow holding the base plate.
This happens to be dark, so she switches on the light
Gasps in horror at the wraith in front of her and attacks it with the plant!
Before realising that she is looking at herself in the mirror and my handiwork is revealed.
Angle nearly faints when she is also lit up!
‘The penny drops!’
But I am now nowhere to be seen!
“I have just had a Tea Room message from a very strange source on my amulet:
“What is sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander!”
OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH as I grab my ear ,,, #$%^&()(&^%$# Opel??
WHAT THE HELL YOU YELLING ABOUT NOW AND TRYING TO BREAK MY EAR DRUMS??
AND I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NO ONE IS TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME VIA THE AMULET UNLESS IT WAS LIFE OR DEATH?
Opel is screaming so loud all I can make out is walls PTG ,, so I have to scream OPELLLLLLLLLLL OPELLLLLLLLLL SHUT UP CALM DOWN AND TELL ME WHAT THE HELL HAS YER APRON IN A KNOT? AND WHAT WALLS AND WHAT ABOUT PTG??
She lowers her voice from a sonic boom just plain screaming,,,, well it is life or death meaning PTG'S life I am going to bop him with my rolling pin ,, he has the gnomes changing everything and taking down the beach scenes and THAT IS WHAT I WANTED,, now you deal with him or i will.
I yell PTGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG WHAT THE HELL YOU THINKING YOU DOORKNOB.
YOU HAVE OPEL IN A TITHER AND READY TO CROWN YOU IDJIT OF THE MONTH WITH HER ROLLING PIN.
Have you been into the Pig's Ear again do I have to say this in Pig Latin?
And what the Hell did you do to Roo Roo and Angel?? Opel said you painted them to with that magic brush and now they glow in the dark good God man ya lost your marbles??
Never mind answering me just fix things back to what you messed up and tell Roo Roo and Angel how to get that paint off there faces.
I will deal with you on my return CAP OUT.............
NOTHING is ever right in this place! NOTHING!
If I say go left, then that is wrong, If I say go right then that is wrong!
I get the broom to causally flick the last few sand grains out of the window onto the front porch where we have deposited the rest of the fetid damp material.
The floor is now swept clean of its additions.
There is only the large damp stain in the middle of it where Charlie’s moggies had ‘performed’ to such good effect
I conjure up the bucket and mop from the HOS Repository and deposit them by Charlie.
“Now it’s your turn to make good the mess your pets have caused!”
The door to Roo Ro’s so-called secret cupboard is rattling louder and louder and its human contents producing oaths of the like I never wish to hear again!
But I have locked it from the outside and barred its opening until I have got the Tea Room spotless again.
I am just about to sit back and relax once more when I get another blast through my amulet
This time what I am hearing from the Cap’n is unbelievable!
Those fickle females of the kitchen have now decided that they LIKED the new scenery and want it restored!
Well, for one thing, it was tasteless in my opinion, two – it was over the top, and three we have run out of paint.!
So what to do now?
I pay a quick visit to the library and get down a volume on MONOCHROME sunny seaside pictures and flick through it.
This one will do I think, and I can do it myself to save unnecessary expenditure!
Also not too complicated for a simple MC Sweeper Upper like myself!
When finished I order a cup of very welcoming hong cha and wait for the adulation from the kitchen harpies.
As I stroll through the vast Jacob Farmlands which remind me so much like my Uncles back in Fairyland Realm, My Amulet begins to send me the strangest and plain weird voice and image messages ever!!! ........What the heck!....PTG did "What" to the Tea Room??....And did "What" to Charlie and Roo too???........Boy is PTG ever going to be in "Big Trouble" with Captain Randy now I can tell you dear Friends....Hee..Hee..Hee!!!........Oh! There's Granny Fletcher, bless Her Soul all tuck away in Her little corner fast asleep.......Oh my word...is that Opal all rallied up and swinging Her Mighty Rolling Pin around and around the Tea Room Kitchen hollering unmentionable epitaphs at Captain Randy of all thing's?......."Come on Miss Dandydog...we have so much more to show you before Captain Randy returns......Gotta go for now, but when the Captain returns for me.......all the questions I'll have for Him.....Whoee!
Angel is frantic & threatening never to leave the room!! She is screaming oaths directed at PTG & how he will suffer for this assault.
“ROO, you must have something, anything to get rid of this paint.”
I open a drawer & pull out a very small pot of lotion.
“I do have this Angel but I was saving it for the future” Angel opens the lid & sniffs the contents.Angel sneezes as some of the Magic Pollen is release into the atmosphere.
“I had intended to make tons of it & sell it to the ladies.I could make a fortune.It is called Luxurious Fading & it removes wrinkles.”
I do not know if it will work on PTG’s magic paint but now is a good time to test it on Angel.
Angel is more intent on plastering her face with the lotion than listening to me but I can see that the lotion is working & the paint is fading so I grab the pot & follow suit (to PTG ).
We try to open the door but no matter how hard we pull & twist the handle it does not budge an inch.
Angel is furiously pounding with her fists, kicking the door & screaming at the top of her voice.
“Angel Stop making such a racket” I call out, “ The door has been locked, the only way out is the window so come & help me tie the sheets together.
We are on the ground shortly after.As we make our way to the kitchen at the rear, I notice the bin of empty pet food sacks which are waiting for collection in order to be refilled.A wonderful idea springs to mind.....
“Angel grab the sacks while I get two shovels.”We fill the sacks with the soiled sand & quietly haul them up to the attic.PTG is nowhere to be seen but I can hear him which reveals where he currently is.As we pass we see that our artistic work has been obliterated & we both agree that Opel will not be ha
I am relaxing in my hot bubble bath trying to catch duckie when all of a sudden;
A stream of fetid soil cascades down on me from above!
“@#$$%^&*()_)(*&^%$@#$$%^&*()_)(*&^%$ and DOUBLE @#$$%^&*()_)(*&^%$!”
As I emerge from the pile of muck, I look upwards and see the last remnants pour down through a hole from the above ceiling.
These are accompanied by not one but two persons giggling as I espy four bright lights shining down on me.
Enough is enough!
If my previous encounters were skirmishes against those two harridans, then this is WAR!
Struggling to get into an upright position I brush off the offending material and tell my broom to remove the rest to the animal cess pits.
It is most reluctant to do so!
In fact I have to threaten it with an ornate carving on its handle before it complies!
I then shower and dress quickly, with their laughter still ringing in my ears.
I move down to the Tea Room where I should be safe for the moment and then open the secret compartment in the broom’s handle.
I extract a small stick of explosive and light it and then toss it into the hole in the ceiling above.
This was one of the few Jen’s specials that I had managed to save.
NOT a stick of dynamite like the rest of the stashe but a thunder flash!
The attic lights up and the whole of this side of the Castle shudders with the explosion.
It is not fatal to humans but will certainly give anyone in their proximity a severe headache!
Drat it! – the two criminals have fled the scene of their ambush on me.
The explosion has done no good whatsoever.
I turn around and gasp in horror!
My beautiful monochrome painting on the Tea Room wall is now in small pieces on the floor, with my broom vigorously sweep the pieces away.
I get the sense that the walls are chuckling.
And to finish my day off the bucket and mop are still resting by Charlie’s chair and so she too has ignored my instructions to clear up her pet messes!
With pencil and paper I compose a short note to the Cap’n:
I regret, Sir, that I no longer able to carry out the duties that you have bestowed on me and therefore tender my resignation to immediate effect.
I will therefore no longer be constrained in my actions against the females in this coterie and bear no responsibility for their future demise should it occur!
To take effect immediately
Signed PTG (ex 2ic) Chief Sweeper……..
I am now on the warpath with the full resources of the Midnight Castle at my disposal!
"Yes Sweetie I do see that cute little Piggy over there with the cute curly tail." ........."Yes Child that little black piggy indeed does look like it's smiling brightly at us and wishing us a bright and cheery Good Morning.".........(OMG!.........When is Captain Randy coming for me!").....Sigh....."Yes Cutey Pie the Mommy is taking really good care of all the little piggy's.".....Tap...tap tap...tap tap tap....Amulet are you working this very minute?...."Pup to Captain Randy"...Pup to Captain Randy".....Please come rescue Pup from Jacobs Sweet adorable young'uns cause if ya don't She will be going completely Batty by the time you do!........."Wait just one minute here!"........." Young'uns please excuse Pup for a brief minute OK?"......"Amulet are you letting me know that PTG is planning a revolt against the Tea Room Ladies???"........This would mean PTG would be against My Granny Fletcher too and if He harms just one hair on Her head!"...........
As I make my way to Grim’s second very secret observation room I think to myself.
“Well! Have I ‘burned my boats’ in withdrawing from the Tea Room and all its culinary goodies?
“No! I am well stocked with food and drink from the regular HOS and those of the Special Events in the Repository.”
I continue to muse.
First things first! I need to check up on the whereabouts of that troublemaker Roo Roo and the location of her magic cloak.
I won’t borrow it this time, but it will be necessary to find out if SHE is using it in any counter or other nefarious attacks.
Fortunately when she and Angel washed off the fluorescent make up they never found the two small spots of it that I placed on the centre of their craniums (or is it crania?).
So they will be visible on my ‘goggle boxes’ if I need to locate them
The rest of those females I have no need to worry about. They are either too lazy or busy feeding themselves and all around them to stray far.
Opel’s rolling pin may be a formidable weapon, but she confines herself to the kitchen.
Now for a Cunning Plan that will inflict maximum discomfort on at least two of them!