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As expected my plan is working like a dream.I have checked & re-checked my precise calculations several times while PTG has been running around trying to find a safe place to hide.I tuck myself out of sight & wait.......
I hear voices outside, it is PTG talking to a group of citizens queuing at the Broken Well.
He asks them if they have seen me lately & is informed I was in the Belfry earlier but I left after a few minutes & no-one saw me return.
I can almost hear what he is thinking...’If Roo has already searched the Belfry she will have now moved on to search the rest of the castle & I will be safe there for a couple of hours’.
As I hear PTG’s heavy footsteps coming up the stairs to the top of the Belfry I smile & thank goodness for his predictable reasoning.
He enters the bell tower, has a quick look around, turns the lock in the door & heaves a huge sigh of relief when he sees the pristine rug on the floor.He sits & takes off his boots which are still damp, then as he rubs his sore toes I give the command for my Flying Carpet to start the action....
The carpet rises & swirls around the bells at lightning speed.This disturbs the bats & they attack.PTG releases one of his hands, that have been firmly attached to the edge of the carpet to swat the bats.As previously instructed the Flying Carpet dips & rises like a ship on the high seas, PTG has no choice but to hang on with both hands.I stand in the middle of the room & roar with laughter.
The sight of me sends PTG into a rage as a light flickers on in his head, ha ha.
PTG has been screaming & cussing at me for about 5 minutes as the carpet continues to circle around & around & around again.
“ENOUGH! “ I shout.”You are wasting your time, I am still temporarily deaf from your Bullhorn & cannot hear a single word”.I command the Flying Carpet to stop circling & hover next to the huge bell.PTG lunges for the bell & hangs on for dear life as he dangles 15 feet from the ground.At the same time I remove the cover from the bathtub filled with ice cubes that is directly below him.As he lunges forward his broom falls out of his pocket & sinks to the bottom of the tub.Instinct kicks in & the broom goes into a state of hibernation.
Tsk, tsk....sigh.....he is going to be sooooo....sorry he did that.
The Flying Carpet descends to the ground to rest at my feet.
“Now PTG I suggest you listen very carefully as your life depends on it!”
PTG falls silent as I continue.
I remove the cover from the Steam Mechanism & start placing coins in the pay slot.
“As you are aware the Steam Mechanism ‘Lets out a lot of hot air’, this will melt all the ice cubes in the bathtub in about 20 minutes.You may not have noticed that the bell rope is also attached to the Steam Mechanism, as the cogs rotate to produce steam the bell will ring & you will swing back & forth.Your only avenue of escape is to fall into the bathtub, but beware my friend....If you jump before the ice cubes have melted you will not have any water to put out the 25 minute fuses on the dynamite placed around the room.
I light the fuses & head for the door, picking up PTG’s boots & placing them outside the door.I turn back to PTG to say
“Have a nice day” & close the door as I leave. (ha ha ha ha).
I stop at Trina’s room on the way out & give her 200 postcards to take the wolf & puppies for a long walk.I explain what is about to happen upstairs emphasising the fact that her home is safe as there are only a few specks of explosive material in the dynamite sticks, at worst this will create a small firework display.
I am appalled!
There is no other word strong enough to use – I am appalled!
The ever volatile 3ic (aka Roo, Roo) has just skewered my Cap’n to the wall with lethal daggers and then rendered a coup de grace, by knocking him out on that nearby wall.
If that is what she is capable of when he is just exerting his authority then God help me when she catches me!
I need both to disappear and form a Cunning Plan marked MOST URGENT! to counter her present madness.
But I am appalled!
Her weapons are lethal and many but mine are not inconsiderable either.
I need to attack before I am attacked, but how and where?
In the blink of an eye I rummage around the HOS Repository with my broom’s help and then have a rather unpleasant tussle with a large swan who wishes to keep her fishing net.
I had always thought that a swan’s beak was rounded but this one was a fish piercing blade that easily nicked my hands and arms until they were a sea of hasty and bloody dressings!
I then “doctor” the net to render it impenetrable to cutting, chopping, slicing or otherwise able to free anyone or anything trapped in it.
I gather together the rest of my “armoury” and set off up into the Castle
That harridan could be anywhere so I instruct my broom to tell me if she is about as I climb up the hill .
I also ask any passers-by if they have seen her or even any unexplained dust whirlwinds in the area.
Finally a sighting!
She has been spotted in the Belfry peering out of its large windows.
I creep up the stairs to the door and place my reinforced fishnet around the door frame. Then I quietly open the door and make as if to enter – at the same time closing the trap on…
Oh! She is not there!
Well if she has gone elsewhere then that’s a relief and I can relax here for a few seconds.
All this activity has made me tired and thirsty as well and those special boots are feeling a bit tight as they are still wet.
I shuck them off for a moment and wriggle my toes in the soft plush rug!
I tug the corner of the rug to straighten its edge when suddenly it is whisked away!
I just catch a glimpse of the leading edge of it rising up into the rafters as it knocks against one of the bells
Quiet a dramatic result as it disturbs the resident bat population who now are not happy and go for me!
SWAT! SWAT! As I down the little varmints.
The “penny drops”. This is no ordinary rug but the Flying Carpet!
Who, may I ask, is in charge of it at this moment, as if I do not know?
That pesky Roo, Roo who thinks that to see me hanging on for dear life is amusing.
I need to counterattack! even as I shout and curse at her while in motion.
"Broom – get rid of those bats! ALL of them out of the windows NOW!"
Just then the Carpet pauses and I grab the rope of the large bell and hang on there while I collect my thoughts and calm my mind. I can hear Roo’s instructions from below and it seems she has bested me yet once again.
Oh ye of little faith!
I am the Chief Sweeper Upper of the MC and its Keeper of the HOS Repository.
As she quits the room she regards my broom as temporarily useless to me.
But a small twig floating in a bath of water so considerately provided by her.
She quits the Belfry giggling like a little schoolgirl who has just won the first prize.
I tell my broom that if it is not fully operational and waiting my orders in the next 10 seconds then it will be matchsticks!
It bobs to the bath’s surface and enlarges once more.
“Spread the fishing net flat on top of the bathtub”
I then drop onto it and clamber down.
Quickly I open the hidden space in its handle and extract a slender stick of dynamite.
Rummaging around in my mind I find where the nearest aperture is and enter.
Just before I close it I toss the lit dynamite into the room
The full force of the dynamite which has rolled just below the bathtub blasts it through the wall and down the hill where it finds Roo, Roo and Trina having a chuckle at my expense.
One very large dire wolf springs into immediate action and bats the missile away, but not before the tub is able to discharge its contents over the two women.
Soaked and shouting very unladylike profanities they mop up and wring their clothes as dry as possible.
I regard one sodden invisible cloak as undamaged. In fact it needed washing! And as for Trina and her fripperies, time she changed her outfit!
I return down the hill and back to the Tea Room.
No doubt there will be repercussions, but THAT was worth while!
"Could I have fresh cup of hong cha, please?"
I ripe myself off the door cursing and screaming like a Tasmanian Devil and swear unbridled revenge on both Roo Roo and PTG yeah okay he DID take me and put me to bed BUT he put me in HIS bed and covered me knowing ROO was on her way to beat the crap out of him in payback.
Well seeing those two spoiled rotten children want a war okay game on time for Poppa to hand out some lessons.
I stop for a minute touch my booming forehead and feel the goose sized egg forming and nose pulsing means I am going to look like Hamburlger or Rocky Racoon. GRRRRRRRRRR.
Good thing my special gift from PTG'S Godmother (my pants) came out unscathed my my shirt well that is a waste of my eye sight as I can see it hanging still by those knives and in a shape of my upper body ,,, I smile just for a sec * not bad for an old galoot *
Back to my plan,,, through my Amulet I hear what PTG has done to Roo and Trina OH DEAR what has that idjit done? and to get Mamma Dire in it??? OH DEAR.
But this works in perfect for me off I go to the Tea Room.
I run to my room grab a shirt and head over to see Charlie,,,,,,,,
Hey Charlie where is Pepe La Phew?? as if I have to ask.
She looks at me is about to say what are you up to but decides just to point and say follow the Rose Petals and take a bottel of Champagne with you ,,
$%^&*()(*&^%$# off I scoot to the Kitchen and tell Opel hide the Tomato Juice and where is that bottle of ,,, never mind I know where it is,,, off to the Anniversary Room grab the Rocket and a bottle of bubbly back to the critters.
With bottle in hand I follow the rose petals and find Pepe chasing Stinky who is a cat not a Skunk crazy French Skunk,, as he grabs Stinky and whispers ( French accent here) oh mon amour come wiff moi to da land of love and as Stinky turns green she fly's away to hide,,,
Pepe laughs silly woman you can no hide from da greatest lover in da world MOI
I stand there and say okay world's greatest lover CAN IT I NEED YOU.
OUI OUI moi Capitain at your service.
Come with me and here DO NOT DROP THESE as I hand him the bubbly and the rocket .
We head lickadee split to PTG'S room and I tell Pepe hide in the closet and wait for doorknob to open it,,
I wait in the bathroom this is going to be soooooooo good ,,, seeing I know PTG'S habits so well I do not have to wait long .
I hear PTG enter his room and go to his closet to change into his night shirt.
He opens the door scares Pepe who was not ready and WHHOOOOOOOOOSH lets him have it full force then Pepe laughs pops the cork and sets the rocket off he yells SURPRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZE
I am killing myself as tears run down my face wait is that from laughing or Pepe's perfume ??
I run for the door face covered and see PTG bent over and spill out his guts aww no more special tea ALL GONE
LOL he is such a pretty green right now and will be banned from us for awhile having no access to any Tom Juice.
Oh I could use him as a chemical bomb on the enemy good idea LOL
One down ONE to go.
WEG ( wicked evil grin)
With a huge smile on my face and a spring in my steps I head to Roo"s room knowing I am short on time for she is closer tehn I am to her room.
Lickadee split I beat her and get my plan in action.
First to the bathroom ** knowing she will shower to make sure that water was not spiked and grab her bottle of shampoo and change it ,,,
I hear her coming so I hide under her bed ,,,,
she goes right to her shower cursing PTG to the highest man for a tiny Munchkin what a mouth.
I hear the water starts and I creep out with a bag and wait,,,
THERE SHE BLOWS as ROO lets out a blood curdling scream as she stands there her hands GLUED to her hair ( shampoo replaced with my friend Crazy Glue)
I then open my bag and let millions of dust bunnies fly yep right to her and cover her from head to toe.
She screams till her voice is raw and with her foot opens the curtain and see's my standing there arms crossed and a smile from ear to ear.
Well hello Miss Yeti how are you today?
I then say pay back is a Bi***
Have a good day Roo Roo
As I walk back down to The Tea Room to have a Honey Rum and talk to the rest of my insane lovable crew a thought hits me
I wonder if PTG'S broom picked up on the dust bunnie invasion and is on it's way to *** sweep them up****
I get to the Tea Room and find it filled with scented candles humm maybe PTG had been here looking for some Tomato Juice
Opel appears with a jug of my Honey Rum smiles then winks before returning to the kitchen.
Everything below my throat is void but I still feel green
I stagger over to my hospital cot fully aware now of the dastardly trick my Cap’n has played on me.
And ALL because of that harridan going over to him and beating him with MY broom.
For starters; has my broom no sense of loyalty?
If so then it is time for a new broom and this thought I transmit to it.
Also it is no comfort to me that he has also got his revenge on Roo, Roo, but at the least she still has her breakfast in place!.
I call for some tomato juice although I have little faith in its efficacy.
In fact I need expert assistance and there is non better available than the little varmint who has caused the problem.
Via my crow I ask:
"How can I cancel out this potent pong?"
But I say this tactfully!
I get a surprising chemical answer whose ingredients are all in the HOS Repository.
Plus a derogatory sniff that if I don’t believe it then check in the Book of Knowledge.
“But what about tomato juice?”
Its reply is to rub its belly and laugh out loud, spewing more of the odours into the atmosphere.
It mutters to my crow something about “tales” and “old wives”, which my crow cannot make head-nor-tail of!
BUT before scampering off it tells me to “use it or lose it” as it is an explosive!
I jot down what I’ve been told on a piece of paper and hand it to my broom.
“Find these things and mix them in my bath tub”
hydrogen peroxide (a quart); baking soda (1/4 cup) and washing up liquid (1tsp)
The mixture bubbles away without any smell so I gingerly immerse myself in it.
I shower the mixture off me and get dressed.
It is then that I look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at me!
A lily-livered blonde!
What has happened????
Oh! woe is me!
The peroxide has bleached me and my hair.
I collapse back on the bed deflated but immediately I have a thought.
In fact a Cunning Plan!