"Now where?"

We stand at another junction of six passageways.

Tarquin tries to recognise any landmarks.

"What about that stalagmite?" I offer.

"No, it had nothing to do with male oppression."

"There is some more moss."

"No, the plight of the rainforest doesn't factor in here."

"That rock?"

"What does the suffering of refugees in Syria have to do with it?!"

"I don't know!!"  I slump down and rest my torch against a small pile of rocks that likely serves as a monument to slavery in Western civilisation.  We are lost, and I am at the mercy of a PC activist.

I rest my head against the cool cave wall and close my eyes.  Tarquin is muttering about all the injustices in this world and the other, as he tries to get his bearings.

I don't know if I fell asleep, but soon I find myself being gently nudged in the leg.

"I'm up".  I open my eyes.

I can see the light from another torch halfway up one of the passageways getting brighter.  Tarquin must have given up looking for political landmarks and is just scouting.

Then who nudged me?

I look down to to see a beautiful set of eyes looking up at me.

A small rabbit with a notebook and pencil is eating a carrot on my lap.

"Hoppy?"

Has it happened?  Do you go insane in caves?

"Alright, that shale deposit down that passage just screams pro-choice, so there is no way I came through there!"  Tarquin returns. "Where did the rabbit come from?"

"Oh good."  I am relieved and cuddle my now non-imaginary friend.

There is a message on the note pad.  It just says Follow

"Following the white rabbit, it is!"  I get to my feet.

Tarquin sighs.  "Okay, but I want to note my objection to the terrible slew of offences committed against the mentally ill in that story, and the decision to clarify the race of the rabbit, as though white is meant to mean pure and trustworthy, as opposed to the impurity and untrustworthiness implied of a black rabbit."

"I think it's more of an allegory about sexual awakening and curiosity."

"And anyone who smokes pot is not to be trusted!"

"Pretty sure that was opium."

Hoppy has no time for the interpretation of beloved children's books, and sets off down the far right passage.

"AHA!! You see, there!" Tarquin points up to a magnificent speleothem display.

"Oh, that is beautiful."

"Beautiful?!!  You're talking about the Holocaust!!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake."

It is cold, wet and dark at the side of this tunnel.

What makes me feel worse is the fact that there are delicious roast meat smells coming from the guard’s room nearby.

If I do not soon move from my hidden position by a crack in the cave walls I will be discovered by the rumbles in my nether regions (front not back!)

My little rabbit has been gone an inordinate time and I suddenly have a horrible thought!

Perhaps those delicious smells are the result of one barbecued rabbit!

I settle back trying to contain my gastrointestinal aberrations when I suddenly hear two voices arguing loudly and coming down that passage.

Can it be Jen?

But if so, who is she arguing with?

Yet another foe to pacify?

BUT if they don’t soon quieten down the guards will hear them and we all will be DOOMED!

I scuttle towards the noise beyond the bend in the passage with broom at the ready

I feel a warm soft bundle of fur slide up my trouser leg!

It tickles but I have no time to waste on mundane pleasures as the two figures come into view still deep in a somewhat philosophical discourse

My brilliant mind immediately establishes that the bundle of rags on the left has a feminine voice and the other one a threatening somewhat falsetto boom.

Time for action and I aim my broom handle at the middle of the male bundle.

WHOOSH!! and my weapon connects --->

 POOOOF!!! and the handle squishes into a lean and taut male midriff which bounced back into me.

Oh dear! He must be a body-builder!

I have only one chance at success in helping us both to escape..

I grab the female bundle of rags staring at me in astonishment and tear down the passage with her as quickly as possible to escape the almost certain wrath that is about to descend on me from her companion.

Also our noisy fracas seems to have instilled some interest in nearby guards.

Only to be brought up short by my feisty female companion.

YOU!--- You blithering fool! That is a FRIEND --- Not a foe!

It is Jen, my beloved partner-in-crime and daring-do!

She rushes back up the passageway to help a gasping male of the species back onto his feet.

In the meantime I have one very contented rabbit munching away in my pocket!

There is much to talk about and I yearn for a nice cup of hong cha to discuss our present situation and Cunning Plan over it.

However my amulet crackles into life.

So it does work down here!

Especially when being used by Cap’n Bob.

“Listen to your crow! And that is an order!”

My usually silent pet now fills me with images of barrels of dynamite, where to put them and a box of matches for Jen to use to set them off!

We will have about three minutes of fuse to escape the tunnels and the cave before the whole thing is no more so I had better use my charabanc transport system with her and now her erstwhile companion, who is still blithering on about ‘ interdimensional shape changes in a confined ecosystem!’

But the Cap'n seems to have forgotten my primary mission for which I still have the Cunning Plan.

That is to disperse this evil greenish mist lurking over all of us and the Realm.

I have worked out the finer points in accomplishing this extraordinary explosion, which has NOTHING to do with dynamite and blowing up tunnels.

I have now found that these tunnels are connected to the surface via shafts for the air.

One of these natural cylindrical tubes in the rock will act as a superb channel to direct my very large firework up and into the stratosphere

I have Jen with me; she knows about fuses and things and so can set it off safely and in the right direction.

After all, I want it to go up and NOT down or sideways!

I quickly narrate my Plan to Jen who is all in favour of doing this as quickly as possible.

She thinks it may restore her sanity and her companion’s rationality.

I get my broom to turn into a truck and load the very large firework onto it at the base of one of the air shafts.

Jen looks at me rather quizzically: “you are SURE that this will work?”

“Have no fear! I have checked all the details. As long as the shaft is wide enough it will ‘rocket’ up it!”

We hide behind a rock pulling a rather disgruntled male into position alongside us.

Jen pipes up: “By the way, while we are waiting for this fuse to activate, let me introduce my erstwhile companion.

“He is called by some: Tarquin which is the only non-insulting expression I can think of!”

WHOOOOSH!!!!>>>>>>> and with a loud explosion a large ball of lightening streaks off into the upper atmosphere.

It leaves us coughing and spluttering with the fumes from the ignition.

YYYEESSSS!!!!!! And a cascade of intense lights descends down over the entire valley!

The greenish mist is no more!!

I then give her the matches from Cap’n Bob and explain what he wants her to do.

And she explodes with fury!

“Noooooo Way…..!!”

I attempt to mollify her and guide her back to the Tea Room with Tarquin in tow in order to remonstrate with Cap’n Bob.

Unfortunately her (?)beau(?) takes exception to this and holding a small piece of the cave clasts manages to clout me with it thus rendering me unconscious

Although not aware of the outcome of this until later, my magical boots immediately kick into action and deposit me in a safe heap in the Tea Room at Cap’n Bob’s feet alongside a chortling Charlie.

This leaves Jen and Tarquin still in the caves!

LOOK, CAP I DO NOT DO TUNNELS,  THAT IS YOUR THING.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY GO AND DON'T WANT TO.   TO PUT INTO SIMPLE WORDS YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.  I DON'T GO INTO SMALL SPACES.  THEY GIVE THE SCREAMING MEEEMIES.     THAT IS WHY THE BARN IS SO BIG.   WITH LOTS OF OPEN SPACE IT IS NOT JUST FOR THE COMFORT OF THE ANIMALS BUT MY PEACE OF MIND.  

SO YOU FIGURE WHERE YOU WANT NEW TUNNELS. 

FINN AND HIS ELVES  PLAN AND DIG THEIR OWN TUNNELS.  BUT TO US THEY WOULD LOOK LIKE CHIPMUNK HOLES AND TUNNELS.  

I CAN SEND GHOST PUP BUT I DOUBT THAT IDIOT WOULD PAY HIM A BIT OF ATTENTION.  YOU KNOW HIM HE STUMBLES AROUND AND EITHER GETS THE JOB DONE OR GETS CAUGHT AND YOU HAVE TO RESCUE HIM. 

AS FOR FRUIT.  ORANGES, APPLES LOTS, BANANAS NOT TOO MAY THEY GO BAD. GRAPES ARE GOOD. OOH!   I HOPE THERE ARE PEARS AND PEACHES.  

I LOOK UP AT THE CROW.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WANT TO GO WITH GHOST PUP AND TRY TO GET PTG BACK ON TRACK.

NO REPLY.   NOW WHAT? 

THEN I GET THE CHAOTIC THOUGHTS THAT CAN ONLY BE PTG.  

NOT TO WORRY YEP CAP.  THE IDIOT HAS JEN BUT THEY ARE NOT HOME FREE YET.  OH!  NO!!!

THE CAP HAS ORDERED PTG TO HAVE JEN FINISH BLOWING THE OLD TUNNELS.  BUT HE IS NOT HAVING IT.

SORRY CAP,  THAT DOOR KNOB AS YOU CALL HIM HAS PLANS OF HIS OWN.  ALL THOSE BARRELS OF DYNAMITE AND BOOMS.   CAP HAD ASKED FOR.  AND HAD PUT IN PLACE.  JUST HOPE NO ONE ELSE STRIKES A MATCH OR PUTS A TORCH INSIDE TO SEE WHAT IS IN THEM.  

AT THAT MOMENT THERE IS A THUD, AND THERE IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR IS THE DOOR KNOB. 

I TURN TO CAP.

""" I AM GOING TO THE BARN,  IF YOU NEED ME CALL.   

 DAM FOOL NOW WHAT IS HE DOING.  GOING TO GET HIMSELF AND JEN CAUGHT IF HE IS NOT CAREFUL

"Well that's just typical!"  Tarquin is incensed.  "I know it is ageist to assume that senior citizens are incapable of mounting a rescue mission, just as it is sexist to assume any woman needs saving.  But to then involve us in atmospheric ecoterrorism by further polluting the atmosphere, thus adding to global warming, and THEN assume we want to play any part in the destruction of a billion years of cave formations that depict every facet of social, environmental and racial injustices across all realms-"

"I'm hungry."  I cut Tarquin off.  I had a brief reunion with a friend and a rabbit, only to have it torn away in an instant.  Once again I'm asked to blow up something that Randy does not like - or, more likely, does not know exists.

Wonderful smells are coming from a cavern near the cave entrance.  I start towards them.

"We're almost out."  Tarquin takes my arm.  "And we don't know who they are."

"I know.  But we have to at least warn them."

He nods and we walk into the cave chamber.  It is warm and full of life.  Braziers line the walls, and a large pot of stew sits on a fire in the centre of the room.  There are around a dozen men chatting with friendly banter on haphazardly constructed furniture.  They are noticeably shorter than the average person, and very pale.  I have little time to wonder if the caves are their home when-

"Prisoner escape!" One portly man in a VERY ill-fitting guard uniform leaps to his feet.

"Yep." I nod.

"We are entitled to a trial!" Tarquin points out.

"We're guilty." I shake my head.

"We are entitled to legal representation."

"We're still guilty."

"I would like a separate trial from this person."

"No trial!  Death to the destroyers of our world!"  An abnormally short and wizened man stands up on an oak barrel he was using as a makeshift dining table.

"That's fair, and we can get to that later."

"Again, I feel the need to legally distance myself from this-"

"Right now there is enough dynamite strewn about the tunnels above to destroy everything beneath."

The clamour of outrage at our escape falls silent for a moment.  Then a new outrage emerges.

"You threaten us?!"

"Not me!  I did not put it there!"  I don't fear their advances as much as I may not get the chance to make them understand.

"When will your people stop destroying our home with your stupid wars?"

"Humans?  Never."  I shrug.  "But I can stop this one from destroying your home."

"Why should we trust you?"  The old man standing on the barrel appears to have authority over the others.  They are quiet when he speaks.

"You can't."  I shrug again.  "But right now you have no choice.  I can smell out the dynamite, but I can't navigate the tunnels."

There is hesitation, and all are looking to the man on the barrel.  I'm slightly bothered by not knowing his name.

"What is your name?"

"Shirley."

I am so glad I asked.

"Well Shirley, we have little time, and a lot of ground to cover.  And that is just to save today."

Shirley has the nous to ask the most important question.  "What of tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow, every room in the realm will be restocked with all the dynamite needed to blow the whole place sky high ten times over.  And the next day the same.  And the next, and the next... It never ends."

Shirley sits down, dejected.

"Wait a minute." The first portly cave denizen stands up on a pile of books he was using as a chair.  "Explosives don't kill people, people kill people."

It would be rude, and unproductive, to slap the cave denizen at this delicate juncture of the negotiations, so I slap Tarquin instead.  Nobody seems to mind.

"Explosive materials, improperly stored, can kill people.  I assure you.  Read a newspaper!"

"So what do we do tomorrow?"

I inhale deeply.  Dynamite has been such a large part of my character, but we all must evolve if we have any chance of survival. 

"Tomorrow, we have to find a way to stop the magic that makes the dynamite reappear in all the rooms of the castle, town, forests, docks, ships... everywhere.  We have to find a spell that erases it from the entire realm, forever."

"Who is powerful enough to do that?"

I'm shrugging a lot in this room.  "Who is the most powerful sorcerer in the Realm?"

There is silence.

"Or sorceress" Tarquin raises a finger in protest.

"Might not be human." I counter.  Tarquin is mortified of his specist outlook on the situation.

"One thing at a time." Shirley climbs down from his barrel.  "We have tunnels to clear."

I look to Tarquin.  "You in?"

"What... you mean... actually doing something to help the cause?  I was thinking of a leaflet campaign or a protest march..."

"Yeah, you get on that.  Come on Shirley!  Can we get some stew to go?"

"Wait! No... I want to help."

I smile and tap Tarquin on the shoulder.

"Welcome to The Resistance."

I look at a lump at my feet oh Lord love a hairy duck it is PTG returned,

Um I look around and do not see Jen ????????

Okay PTG what in hell is going on??

Where is Jen you know our blower upper that you were sent to rescue??

Okay spit it out and it better be good.

Okay wait Opel... aw thank you as she hands PTG his favorite brew.

Now come sit take a minute or two ( I think to myself how I am holding back on chocking the life out of him ,,,,but I have to wait to hear what he says)

Miss katt gives him on of he delicious melt in your mouth butter rum cookies,,,, PTG drools.

It take well over an hour before PTG fills me in on what happened and what Jen did ,,, LOOK he says ,,, whoa that is a huge lump she gave you.

What is going on with Jen?? has she finely sniffed to much TNT or smoked some wacky weed or did she get into thos mushrooms???

And teaming up with Tarquin ?????

Does she NOT understand the evil we are fighting?

We are not fighting against the good people of MC land nor any animal, any good Gnome ,,,

We are fighting for them to free them from what they know not off but will if it is not stped and the thing is that some of there own have been turned by the evil have joined them and are being used to show the way to capture everyone and every thing ....

That is how The Lord Of Darkness knows about the tunnels and has wnd will continue to use them,,,

If you had been here PTG you would know of the plans to destroy the old tunnels the ones TLOD knows about and okay let me explain it clearer I wanted Jen to blow up the utterances of the tunnels NOT THE WHOLE DAMN THING  and NOT enough to break through to the above ground ,,, what you DO NOT know is when I went to see my Lady she told me about the underground magic spiders,,,, they spin a web so fine yet so strong nothing and I mean nothing can destroy it.

So my plan was to ask the Queen of the spiders for her help in reinforcing the walls ,, ceilings .... and floors so that all use them will be protected even the inhabitants will be safe.

I have not worked out all the details with the Gnomes yet as how they will get in and out of the reinforced rooms and tunnels

But we seem to have a bigger problem here how do we get Jen this information ???

PTG can you remember where you and Jen where?? and can we get back to her??

 

Hey Charlie I just got an idea,

when we get the Golden spiders to do there magic why can;t the Gnomes build above ground enter and exits in the form of large mushrooms and plant real ones all around the false one?

That  way Jen does NOT have to destroy the whole tunnel network and any one living in the network spaces .

Those tunnels are so vast and we know of only a hand full and we are not sure are there inhabitants living down there?

All I am 100%  sure of is we have to protect everyone and every thing that lives and breaths in MC Land and KEEP TLOD from coming here seeking revenge /

PTG seems really shaken up I think I should take him to his room and have his pet crow watch him.

Angel you and Pup go to the open field and work out hone your speed your hearing and your eyesight and the best way to do that is take turns hiding then attacking see how long it takes you to sense the danger near and be ready to be attacked keep doing this untill it becomes an instant reflex.

Charlie I know you will be with the Zoo if I need you but ask your workers and Smidge about my idea.

I am going to find that book on TLOD and reread it.

I should be used to this prone position that I currently find myself to be in but I am not. I notice at close quarters that one of the Cp’n s boots is in need of urgent repair!

I lurch and scrabble to my feet being unable to greet him with the slightest of salutes!

I think that I am due for some leave! All this saving the Realm is getting a bit strenuous!

Well I accomplished my mission with that excellent Cunning Plan.

Unfortunately I did not succeed in bringing our feisty partner back to the Tea Room.

I concede that she did have little opportunity to do so, but she does seem to be encumbered or enamoured with a certain very beefy guard who seems to speak with an ancient form of English

A well! I suppose that I must go and retrieve her again ----- and am “brought up short” by the Cap’n

“YOU are not going anywhere!. You are going back to your room with Angel and Pup. First you report on what has happened and then get it written down in triplicate so that History will be the judge of our actions!

“Angel and Pup --- guard over him now that you are  warriors and make sure he stays put and does as he is told. I am NOT having my 2ic behaving as a Spoilt brat!”

I sniff at the insult and even Angel looks slightly shocked at the Capn’s tone.

He must have reached the “end of his tether” wherever that may be.

I realize he is in communication with the Queen but I have been and still am in the first line of defense and not tucked away in some fairy Realm!

After all I have just accomplished. He would get nowhere without my expertise and Cunning Plans!

Okay PTG drink this and just relax you have been through a wringer and did your part well and it is not your fault our wayward  Jen is bucking us all and maybe as you said ole cupid struck her and her mind has gone to pudding.

My only question who is this guy because from your description there is no way in hell that is Tarquin because Tarquin is around 5 foot 6 about 180  due to all that rich food and drink he consumed when he was editor and chief of The Cloud City Times and because he was always on his butt he has a secretary spread and a pot belly so wash board abs ????? um nope

Oh yah and going bald because Angel said he used to pull his hair out when yelling at her.

And no way can ne walk never mind run 10 feet with out gasping for air so I have to know who in hell this guy is that Jen is all gaga over.

PTG has almost finished what he thought was his favorite tea but was Opel;s nighty nite powder he will have a good sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling like a new man and my 2inc.

Where he got the idea Angel and Pup would be looking after him when I sent them to the open field?? poor boy is confused but I did give him a choice between his pet crow or Charlie lol

Wisely he picked his crow.

On to my cottage to read that book on TLOD something is drawing to it and could very be I will finf some answers.

 

That wish keeper thinks I'm faster getting items when my life is on the line then when her life is on the line. Uhhhh no, it's because the items you needed were requested at like 10 PM and I was feeling tired and us masterbugs need something called SLEEP.

While the items I needed were requested at 9 AM and the only obsatcle in the way were those @#$% cooldown periods!

-Meliora