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Lawyer Humor 1   The Jovial You: Humor, Jokes and Riddles

Started Sep-23 by WALTER784; 58 views.
WALTER784

From: WALTER784

Sep-23

Lawyer Humor 1
 
This list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given at the request of some lawyers. That order has been appealed by some other lawyers. Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals up to the Supreme Court), the list will be unavailable to the general public.
 
If you are unhappy with this situation, see your lawyer, who will be happy to handle it for you for a suitable fee.
 
Lawyers are people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief.
 
The problem with lawyer jokes is that most lawyers don't think they are funny, and they also think that most people don't understand that they're just jokes!
 
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies, "Four!"
The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
 
A man went to a brain store to get some brains for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brains offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?" "$3.00 an ounce."
"How much for Scientist brain?" "$4.00 an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?" "$100.00 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
 
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whore-house." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day, she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
 
Alan King told this one on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
 
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
 
A lawyer died and appeared before the pearly gates. When he arrived, a chorus of angels began to sing in his honor and St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr. Morris," said St. Peter, "it is a great honor to have you here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. You have lived 1028 years." "What are you talking about?" said Morris. "I'm 56." "56? But aren't you John Smith?" "Yes." "A lawyer?" "Yes." "From Brooklyn?" "Yes." "Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Now I see the mistake, we added up your billing hours!"
 
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawy
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