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Kicking and Screaming   Quit Stories and Journals

Started 4/12/19 by JEM777; 3741 views.
In reply toRe: msg 24
JEM777

From: JEM777

Jan-3

For anyone who thinks that this is easy let me relate my Christmas evening and how someone quit for 11 months can still be tempted to smoke. The urge is mostly gone, but it's never going to be totally gone.

After a fun Christmas dinner with my sister and her extended in-law family (they are awesome), I was sitting down with my husband and sister. She had offered Christmas as a potluck and open invite for anyone who didn't have anywhere else to go. An acquaintance was going to come, but his transportation fell through. He left a cryptic message on the Facebook dinner invite and a lengthier one on his personal Facebook page explaining what happened. Unfortunately, I hadn't seen the post on his personal page until the very end of the evening. 

I had been puzzling with my sister about his cryptic message because that's just how I am - I like to solve puzzles - and, when I found the other post randomly in my newsfeed, showed her. My husband got very angry and snappish. We were leaving anyway, so we headed home. I told him to just stop with his anger and jealousy over nothing and no one. He somehow has gotten into his head that this "other" man, a friend of my sister's, who I have met twice and spoken to 3 times, either in a professional capacity (his job offers a service I need) or in regards to one of his hobbies, is somehow my secret lover and I'm having an affair. He's not and I'm not, but my husband wouldn't believe me for several hours. 

The point of this entry isn't to rehash my personal life, but to say that I have never wanted to smoke as badly as I did that night since I got past the first month of being quit. It was the first time that I seriously contemplated getting in the car and going to buy cigarettes. The urge to smoke was nearly overwhelming and I forgot about the fight for a moment while gripped in the near-need to smoke (nobody NEEDS to smoke). But I asked myself what smoking would do. Would it resolve the fight? No. But would it make me feel better? Also no, not in the long run. Would it improve my life? Hell no. Would it do anything other than make me feel sick, upset, like a failure, cost me money, and make me disappointed in myself? Nope. So, I didn't smoke.  

When the seasoned quitters tell you to protect your quit at all costs, not give into junkie thinking, and NOPE out every day, they know what they're talking about! The daily urges don't bother me so much anymore, but I was shocked at how strongly the urge to smoke came over me with the holiday stress and the huge fight. Sure, it was a crazy fight and the D-word was thrown around a couple of times (the fight has been resolved mostly and he realizes he was being a paranoid jerk), but it is still not enough of a reason to give up 11 months of not smoking for a few seconds of dopamine. 

So, for anyone who thinks it's ever going to get easy, don't. That will lead you back to smoking faster than a rat seals a slice of pizza. Protect your quit. You will be better equipped to fend off urges as your last cigarette becomes further and further in your rearview, but don't assume even 1 year quit means you're "done" or don't need to protect your quit. Be aware of yourself and your emotions. Listen to that little voice telling you no when you so badly want to say yes. Pause often and reflect on all the reasons you have not to smoke. And if you do smoke? You're not useless. You're not broken. You're human. You're trying. And you're worth getting up and trying again! You CAN do it!! heart_eyes

Jem

Smober since 1/31/2019

starstarstarstarstarstarstarstarstarstarstar

JEM777 said:

So, for anyone who thinks it's ever going to get easy, don't. That will lead you back to smoking faster than a rat seals a slice of pizza. Protect your quit. You will be better equipped to fend off urges as your last cigarette becomes further and further in your rearview, but don't assume even 1 year quit means you're "done" or don't need to protect your quit. Be aware of yourself and your emotions. Listen to that little voice telling you no when you so badly want to say yes. Pause often and reflect on all the reasons you have not to smoke. And if you do smoke? You're not useless. You're not broken. You're human. You're trying. And you're worth getting up and trying again! You CAN do it!!

Well said Jem.  That urge can come out of nowhere.  It often passes quickly but protecting our quits is vital and being aware of our emotions can keep that urge in check.

Look at all your wonderful stars and a key coming shortly.  Congratulations.

I sure hope you guys made up. Jealousy can have painful consequences. There are sad to say some people that enjoy causing others pain. That guy needs to be taught a lesson by someone other than you as he's messing with people's lives or even better stay far far away from toxic people like that. You were stronger than you thought as you protected your quit. I always say protect your quit like you would a tiny baby or a tiny puppy. We are all still going through rehabilitation just like alcoholics but this is our meeting place. Smoking ruled our lives and living without it takes lots of time, tenacity and patience. You've proven that you can do this despite the nicotine monster shouting at you to calm down and have a smoke.

Be very proud of yourself. I hope you and your hubby patch things up and remember that there truly are evil people out there who love to stir up trouble. You will likely not let yourself be in a situation like this but it sure was a new learning experience that tested your quit. Keep on NOPING every day no matter what crap comes your way.relaxed

"Quitting isn't for Sissies!" I quit poisoning myself Sept. 27, 2013

JEM777

From: JEM777

Jan-3

Yes, that was definitely a lesson in protecting my quit! I was really shocked by how powerful that urge was!!

Luckily, nobody was at fault here, except maybe my husband for imagining that something was happening. The "other guy" and I had minimal contact and we aren't friends at all. This "other guy" doesn't even know my husband was jealous and has never once been even the slightest bit inappropriate or flirty with me. He was simply the target of my husband's jealousy because my husband decided to imagine something was happening when it wasn't. Logic wasn't a big player in this situation, as is true for many emotionally-charged situations.

We did patch things up and are better now than we have been for the past couple of years!

In reply toRe: msg 30
JEM777

From: JEM777

Jan-26

I had a random thought today: this time last year, I was terrified of putting down cigarettes. I had started taking Welbutrin, but I was still smoking my normal 1/2 a pack of cigarettes a day. I had no idea how to do it, but my quitting coach had me write down reasons why I wanted to quit, what I would gain from quitting, and how I could distract myself during cravings.

If I could only go back and tell year-ago-Jem that this decision was one of the best she'd make and, though it would be hard,  she could do it, I would. Learning how to live my life without nicotine has been one of the best journeys I've been on. It proved that I am stronger than this addiction, that I can build on wins to create a pattern of beating the cravings minute by minute, day by day, month by month, and soon, year by year. 

Keep your eyes on the prize,
Turn that fear of quitting into anger at what cigarettes have stolen,
And believe in yourself!

Jem

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