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36 hours ...sort of   Quit Stories and Journals

Started 9/4/19 by Meredith (GettinFree); 23656 views.
In reply toRe: msg 103
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)


ykw, it's my journal and if I wanna paste my rants here, that's mine to do.

New quitters, this may not be the post for you. Keep those dreamy eyes shining with hope.


  Lainie, I'm right there with you.
  Marge, yes, we grow weary. So #%^()*_)*)^###&^ weary.
  For the entirety of month 9 I was dying for a cigarette. Weirdest thing, I powered through, whatever. 'S fine now.
  TLDR for the rest: And then I find this thread, just in time, and now there's hope where there wasn't anything but despair. Thank you all.

  But I haven't been able to sit still for more than two hours of work for the entire 10 months (ohheylook, that's today actually) and my poor little brain has pretty much trashed my life -- okay that's dramatic; I still have job, husband, and house, and some good has come of what I've lost -- trying to get noticed because IT NEEDS HELP.
  From the reading I've done and a brilliant insight from a friend I suspect that, having had lifelong (and genetic) depression and after 23 years of smoking, nicotine was, biochemically speaking, THE thing propping up my psychological stability. And then I unceremoniously and even viciously kicked that prop right out from under my poor little brain. No professional support, not even a lick of understanding that it might mess me up this bad. I mean, it's just quitting smoking, lots of people do it. Put on your big girl panties and b**** up.
  Oh, and did I mention that all happened 15 months after a minimal concussion? NO WONDER I went forgetting* crazy. Crazier. Enough to get over the stigma that's kept me off drugs for 15 years -- drugs that I maybe should have been on all along. And it's a fine time to dig in and maybe try to heal the lifelong issues, here in this desperate untethered scary space...
  So I started bupropion three days ago. We shall see.
  And then I find this thread, just in time, and now there's hope where there wasn't anything but despair. Hope that (even if I were still resisting the truth) there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope that 4 to 6 more months of this hell /could/ be taken one day at a time. Hope that my brain can, in fact, heal.
  So thank you all. So very, very much.
--<3 Meredith


I wish anybody talked about how nicotine is an antidepressant and how the ONE THING you don't do with an antidepressant is abruptly stop taking it without medical supervision. I wish I had known the psychological shock would cost me my favorite pastime and my best friend and how the imminent threat of also losing husband and roof would break me. (Thankfully I still have both and they're a great support as I glue myself back together.) I wish anyone talked about how a year is just a convenient fiction and how that key's gonna feel pretty dang Pyrrhic when I still feel like this in [a month and four days][ten days]. I wish I had found this thread and the "Tricky 8-11 Months" about, ohsay, 10 months ago.
On the other hand, I shudder to think of a shiny-eyed, determined New Quitter coming upon this rant or others. So maybe it's for the best.

I know my brain and psyche will heal. I know I'll rebuild better, faster, stronger. I know this is my Path and what I need to learn.
And so far, it really, really sucks.


I woke up composing 9/3's Fb post:
One year smober! Halfway there!!

The key is a lie, but I'll still wear a tiara today.
It cost me my avocation (albeit temporarily) and a close friend, but I'm not going back in that damn cage. Mainly, I am /never/ doing /this/ again.
It's been pretty much a living hell, but even now I have faith that my brain will heal.
*grin* the old advice still holds: take it easy and eat an avocado.

In reply toRe: msg 106



From: Loreficent



Congratulations!! I bet that is a very empowering feeling. Nice work. Been following your journal and find it very validating and inspiring...and hilarious to boot! So...celebration plans are....???

Thanks for sticking around...mostly give yourself a great big pat on the back. Great job.

Thank you so much, Loreficent!! heart_eyes


From: Eve1973


Congratulations Mer,

   Must be so liberating to be in the  CLUB! Great job! Keep goin!

Thank you so much, Eve!


From: SusanK1960


Congratulations Meredith!  I would guess it feels like a hard earned victory!  What reward are you planning?  Love the key!

My brain being healed from quitting nicotine will be all the reward I need, in two to six more months when it's actually done. Hopefully the other life events didn't cause too much trauma and I'll be truly free by 3/3/21. I will probably throw a [small!] party then, though.

But thank you so much for the well wishes, Susan!


From: SusanK1960


I hear you!  I was not prepared for the emotional toll of overcoming this addiction, and I’m still not, however, I am holding on to the faith and still in the fight, and I am glad to hear you are too!  Looking back to the beginning of my quit helps me realize that I have overcome a lot that I didn’t think I could, so that restores my strength and resolve that I will be healthy and happy!  Nothing in life is ever linear, no matter how much we want it to be!

You have achieved a tremendous goal that is pretty darn tough to overcome by most standards, so there’s that!


From: SusanK1960


You did it James!  You have been free of nicotine for 368 days!  Fantabulous!

Did you know wisdom is defined: as the quality of having experience, knowledge and good judgment.  So, just by quitting cigarettes, you are healthier, wealthier and WISE!