The irony is I'd really thought I'd gotten somewhere with managing my depression. ;D

Thank you for getting it, Brenda. This real-life stuff is...kinda scary. I'm reminded of that quote attributed to Audrey Hepburn: 

All we have to hold on to is each other.

Meredith (GettinFree) said:

All we have to hold on to is each other.

This is so awesome!  It is so helpful to have a fellowship with which we can support each other thru this nasty addiction.

Omg wrote a bunch of stuff on my phone, then hit the screen in just the wrong way and poof, all gone. Grr. 

So this thing came to mind: What if my urges to smoke, at least around the house, are actually a call for a break? That might be a nice way of getting myself to take breaks -- and thus help with productivity, if I know I'm gonna get one (even if it doesn't involve nicotine)!

Walked to the bus station for the first time since I hit my head 15 months ago. I'm vain about my hamstrings and got sick of the general weight gain too. It was also a really great retraining moment; I had always chain smoked when I walked, probably more even than when driving. (So it's weird for me to hear y'all saying walks help with cravings, right?) I literally didn't know what to do with my hands at first, but then the singing kicked in and I got pretty excited at the prospect of getting some of my voice back. Not that I was a particularly good singer, ever, but I used to be better. The sad part is I'm pretty sure vocal cords don't really heal. (I just Googled and they will, but probably not completely. It's better than I was expecting though, so I'll take it.) 

Unfortunately, I think the extra exertion deepened the depression hole. By the time I was driving home from Jazzercise, I was ready to burst into tears about literally the route I was taking to get home (which is my normal route, even). Thankfully I have the best husband in the world and he made me laugh about it and that helped, and then I Said The Thing and that helped some too. 

Still didn't get any damn work done, just like I still haven't, AT ALL, today. And it's nearly noon, for Pete's sake.

Looking back at my full quit journal (offline), I was "a frog's hair from bursting into tears" 16 days after I went from full tobacco to half tobacco. Yesterday was 15 days after I went off nicotine altogether. It's really comforting to see that this is just how it goes. Apparently the next day or two may be particularly, ahem, witchy-with-a-B, with perhaps a moving-forward dream after. 

(Ooo, I hadn't mentioned the depression dream where my M.D. was teaching a massage therapy class and rejected my application to the program...yeah that was a fun start to Tuesday.)

Also, I wanted to see when some of my milestones were, so...

22 days between stepping down and going off (8/12/19 to 9/3/19)

3 weeks: 9/24/19

1 month: 10/3/19

2 months: 11/3/19

3 months: 12/3/19

100 days: 12/12/19

6 months: 3/3/20

200 days: 3/21/20 (also my 11th wedding anniversary!)

5,000 hours (=208 days): 3/30/20

1 year: 9/3/20

10,000 hours (=417 days): 10/24/20

And PLEASE don't feel bad, whoever reads all this dren, for skimming.

I know I'm going on full spew mode, and it's more about the writing than the getting it read, and it's just plain *a lot*, and I know that every stupid detail of my life is /way/ less fascinating to anyone else. Maybe I should keep it in the Notepad file, but on the other hand there's this whole vulnerable thing I'm working on this year...

So thank you for whatever you do read, and know that it's all good. <3

I read all of it and it was very cathartic thank you Meredith.  I think the very fact of knowing we’re not alone is comforting so thank you for the long post and all your honesty.  I really appreciate it.  I need to go walk or do something because I’m feeling low again.  xoxo

Sorry you're feeling low now too...just think though, we'll get a good -- well, decent night's sleep and wake up tomorrow perky AF again. ;)

Right!  

Close enough. 

Lol!  Love it!