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36 hours ...sort of   Quit Stories and Journals

Started 9/4/19 by Meredith (GettinFree); 11508 views.
Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

9/27/19

Very insightful.  Very interesting that connecting with others is at an all time low and addictions at a all time high ???? Lots to think about.  Glad we are all connecting here.

In reply toRe: msg 48
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/27/19

Disrupting the brain patterns is like unraveling lace, all the intricate threads woven throughout every aspect of every minute of our lives. I think this is what distinguishes getting off nicotine from getting off heroin or cocaine or even alcohol. There's no special event where we'd smoke, it's just at the beginning OR end of EVERY activity, throughout our whole day, in my case for 23 long years.

I asked someone I know who got off heroin about the experience, and it sounded kind of the converse of nicotine...really intense, painful physical stuff for like 14, 18 days, and then not much, even when he was hanging out with Those Friends, whereas at least /my/ experience of getting off nicotine is more like 3 days of physical intense weirdness but no actual pain, then a loooong period of the brain adjusting to the new patterns of doing something after you do something.

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

9/28/19

Meredith (GettinFree) said:

, then a loooong period of the brain adjusting to the new patterns of doing something after you do something.

You summed it up in a nutshell, Meredith.  How are you doing ?

Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/28/19

Hey, Brenda, thanks for asking...still no nicotine, so there's that and that's what truly matters...unless maybe you ask my clients...had three okay days and then right back into only getting half days in. =-/

Mom hipped me to Wordscapes, which I do not recommend if you want to accomplish anything with your one wild and precious life, including going to bed within two hours of when you'd like to. Then I went to uninstall it this morning and discovered that a related program doesn't let you uninstall it, so now I have to research how to get it gone, and DO NOT INSTALL WORDSCAPES.

Today is my monthly Day Off, which in the last few months has mostly meant the day I'm most painfully aware of how filthy my house is, despite Rule 3 of a Day Off being that I'm not allowed to feel bad about anything I did or didn't do. But I got A Thing done, maybe I'll get two, and maybe just maybe I do go skating today. I haven't been on the ice in like 18 months, which is a really long time for me, so that would be a big deal.

But no nicotine and no smoking, even having had a couple hot toddies the other night, so there's that.

How are you doing?

In reply toRe: msg 52
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/28/19

OHOHOH, Game Launcher is apparently a feature of Samsung Android, and /that's/ why it's uninstallable. Ohthankgoodness.

Still don't recommend Wordscapes for people who want to do anything with their lives.

In reply toRe: msg 52
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/28/19

Ooomigosh. Sitting on the back porch enjoying the last of the day and the season with a double tall Jamo and Reed's, and it was soooooo weird to not be smoking. This close to breaking out the Honeyroses I haven't actually gotten rid of (bc I like the safety blanket). I didn't. 

And then, getting on with the evening. :)

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

9/29/19

Okay, I won't install wordscapes !! relaxed   It sounds like the last thing I need as me thinks me have moss growing on me backside due to lack of movement. smirk  Otherwise, all is good !   I am  NOPE'N my way to freedom. 

In reply toRe: msg 54
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/30/19

What an urge-heavy day. I'm so grateful that my life was so gentle to me when my quit was super new and that it waited almost four weeks for even today's level of upset. 

I went, unplanned, to help a friend move and didn't know where she lived as well as I thought, plus she's not the best at directions (not like she lived there that long herself anyhow). Got stuff in my car and you know how it is when someone's way of doing things is just a liiiitle bit different then yours...not irritating, but startling enough on top of the getting-lost frustration. Then the mewing cats for 45 minutes across town. (But she trusted me with her cats, squee!) Then more triangulating where I was supposed to be on the other end. And on top of all this, postponing dinner twice with a friend who isn't always the most flexible (but thankfully was this time).  I didn't actually say anything nasty to my friend I was helping move, but I sure as heck wasn't pleasant. I'm pretty sure we're still friends, but there will definitely be an apology here in a sec.

And I didn't smoke. As much driving and as many stoplights and as much frustration as there was, I didn't smoke.

But daaaaaaang, I wanted to.

In reply toRe: msg 56
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

10/2/19

Wanting to smoke really bad and rather down about it, I think since Saturday afternoon with the drink and the sunset. Energy and mood, both. Like eff j'cise (all this week) and eff even walking to the bus today. Dreading never smoking again and doubting I can pull it off and resenting the whole thing are part of it, and that arises with the worst of the dour mood. Also worried about my now-overdue work queue is part of it. The quit-app reminders about my newfound freedom help a little with that part of it, but they certainly don't help get me out of bed.

*shrug* What there is to do today is what you do...but aargh, would that I weren't so dang sullen about it. I keep thinking that if I can just get myself to bed before midnight (and apparently I still need the dang earplugs, boo) things'll be fine, but my inability to do that just makes the mood worse of course. 

In reply toRe: msg 57
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

10/2/19

TL;DR:  Everything is wrong and I really want to throw an actual temper tantrum and then smoke a cigarette. Except then I'd have to go through this all over again.

I fell in a pretty bad depression hole at around day 16 and thought ah, well, that must have been my icky third week, tralala. I'm pretty well versed in my depression so it wasn't much more than annoying.
Oooooo, no. Not by half. 
Apparently true to form I'm a late bloomer in this too. At four weeks I'm positively dour about how I'm never gonna get through this and it's stupid to try and I'm just gonna cave anyway. Which then pulls in all the usual "I suck" verbal thoughts. It's not just thoughts, these are actual physical sensations I just happen to be trying to put in high-level words right now. I'm feeling the pull to light any kind of cigarette as much as I'm feeling the pull of gravity.
And for what, really, except a bunch of angry clients wondering where their overdue jobs are because I can't seem to do a stinkin' day's work for the last dang month. I'm scared to do the invoicing 'cause I don't want to see how little I'll have to live on through October.
And the weather's crappy and dark and cold. And my husband is sick and I might catch it. 
Everything is wrong and I really want to have an actual temper tantrum.
At least I have nicotine to blame it all on.

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