Ooomigosh. Sitting on the back porch enjoying the last of the day and the season with a double tall Jamo and Reed's, and it was soooooo weird to not be smoking. This close to breaking out the Honeyroses I haven't actually gotten rid of (bc I like the safety blanket). I didn't. 

And then, getting on with the evening. :)

Okay, I won't install wordscapes !!    It sounds like the last thing I need as me thinks me have moss growing on me backside due to lack of movement.   Otherwise, all is good !   I am  NOPE'N my way to freedom. 

What an urge-heavy day. I'm so grateful that my life was so gentle to me when my quit was super new and that it waited almost four weeks for even today's level of upset. 

I went, unplanned, to help a friend move and didn't know where she lived as well as I thought, plus she's not the best at directions (not like she lived there that long herself anyhow). Got stuff in my car and you know how it is when someone's way of doing things is just a liiiitle bit different then yours...not irritating, but startling enough on top of the getting-lost frustration. Then the mewing cats for 45 minutes across town. (But she trusted me with her cats, squee!) Then more triangulating where I was supposed to be on the other end. And on top of all this, postponing dinner twice with a friend who isn't always the most flexible (but thankfully was this time).  I didn't actually say anything nasty to my friend I was helping move, but I sure as heck wasn't pleasant. I'm pretty sure we're still friends, but there will definitely be an apology here in a sec.

And I didn't smoke. As much driving and as many stoplights and as much frustration as there was, I didn't smoke.

But daaaaaaang, I wanted to.

Wanting to smoke really bad and rather down about it, I think since Saturday afternoon with the drink and the sunset. Energy and mood, both. Like eff j'cise (all this week) and eff even walking to the bus today. Dreading never smoking again and doubting I can pull it off and resenting the whole thing are part of it, and that arises with the worst of the dour mood. Also worried about my now-overdue work queue is part of it. The quit-app reminders about my newfound freedom help a little with that part of it, but they certainly don't help get me out of bed.

*shrug* What there is to do today is what you do...but aargh, would that I weren't so dang sullen about it. I keep thinking that if I can just get myself to bed before midnight (and apparently I still need the dang earplugs, boo) things'll be fine, but my inability to do that just makes the mood worse of course. 

TL;DR:  Everything is wrong and I really want to throw an actual temper tantrum and then smoke a cigarette. Except then I'd have to go through this all over again.

I fell in a pretty bad depression hole at around day 16 and thought ah, well, that must have been my icky third week, tralala. I'm pretty well versed in my depression so it wasn't much more than annoying.
Oooooo, no. Not by half. 
Apparently true to form I'm a late bloomer in this too. At four weeks I'm positively dour about how I'm never gonna get through this and it's stupid to try and I'm just gonna cave anyway. Which then pulls in all the usual "I suck" verbal thoughts. It's not just thoughts, these are actual physical sensations I just happen to be trying to put in high-level words right now. I'm feeling the pull to light any kind of cigarette as much as I'm feeling the pull of gravity.
And for what, really, except a bunch of angry clients wondering where their overdue jobs are because I can't seem to do a stinkin' day's work for the last dang month. I'm scared to do the invoicing 'cause I don't want to see how little I'll have to live on through October.
And the weather's crappy and dark and cold. And my husband is sick and I might catch it. 
Everything is wrong and I really want to have an actual temper tantrum.
At least I have nicotine to blame it all on.

Ah, Meredith, I get it !!!!  Some days, weeks, months are total SH@#.  I understand the depression and wanting to have a pissy fit.  I so get it.  Some days I am so cranky my face hurts.  But......I know if I smoke then I will just be more unhappy.  I will have let myself down and my depression will be even worse and I will be back to where I started and that was wanting to quit.  Soooooo, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, have a pissy fit , we will get through this.  It will get better, I have to believe this.  It will get better, it WILL get better.  "If you are going thru hell, keep going."  WE CAN DO THIS !!! 

YES. THIS.

All we have to hold on to is each other.

Thank you, Brenda. 

(Dumping in another little bit I just wrote to a client...we get close in this career...)

Yeah, as weird and intense as the nicotine withdrawal was, the not-smoking has def been the hard part. The first 2.5 weeks I would just wander around the upstairs wondering why I wasn't going outside to smoke. Even sill -- one month tonight! -- I have to sit on the back porch before I go to bed, or it'll be 90 min before I fall asleep. And then there's only getting like 50pp/day done...

So in the middle of today's pouty growly "grown-up" temper tantrum of "I'm gonna end up having one I just know it," I walk past someone smoking and there's just no pull to bum one. So that's cool.

Very cool !!