What's getting me right now, other than being tired lol, is that whole not being numb thing. It finally dawned on me yesterday that, while any change makes me cranky and nicotine withdrawal especially, what's showing up is actually just me.

I've been SO impatient the last three days and I have to wonder if all of that has just been getting covered up these last 23 years.

(Almost exactly, actually! I started at the beginning of the school year, my first year of college. That is to say, just about the second I was out of mom's house.;)

It's daunting and a little scary to think this is who I really am -- junkie thinking tells me it's for the best that I numbed it out and should go back. (Shush, darling, the grownups are talking.) But I'm in this for the freedom, and authentically having thoughts and feelings and being responsible for my brain, frontal lobe to amygdala, is absolutely part of that. 

And I do have tools; it's not like things have been completely masked all this time. I've had to develop /some/ skill with acknowledging how I'm actually being and shifting it, and the nicodemon can't keep that with it in its little cage.

So I breathe, collect my patience about me, and step into raw, clear, authentic LIFE.

Maybe like you I didn't really want to quit, but did it on a whim, non NRT and cold turkey.  Now I'm 5 months clear.  Nice piece of writing.  I really appreciate a witty, gritty, honest and unpretentious post :-)  Good luck to you however you beat the beast.

And then last night I finished Allen Carr's lovely book, declared myself a nonsmoker, and washed the ashtrays. Still gotta sort out storage/destinations for the DIY implements and herbs, and process the fact that I just wasted about $90 on supplies including the Honeyrose pre-fabbed herbal cigs. I guess I can return 'em...and certainly I have use for lavender and peppermint and coltsfoot and whatnot. Actually the cigarette blend per se would make a lovely cleansing/protecting shake for the carpets. Efficiency!
So now I get to discover what an adult nonsmoker does -- I've never been one before. :)

Meredith,

   We got your back !  We are all a work in progress.  Keep NOPE"N.

One week, woohoo!
Realized I'm feeling cheated by going from one task to the next. So walks and jumping jacks sound good. Besides, weight gain is starting to set in. A good four pounds up from my usual high point.

Those Honeyrose herbal cigs came today and I've had three, and one more I think before bed.

Almost slept through the night last night, for probably the fourth time in three weeks, so that's pretty awesome.

The best part, though, is during my midday nap I dreamt I found a squirreled-and-forgotten pack of smokes and just tossed them. (I think they were in the tea cabinet, oddly enough.) So that was super heartening, esp on the first day in three that I inhale burning plant matter.

Whoop!!  Congrats Meredith!  Keep up the good work!    You made it thru hell week.  Now onto heck week.  We got this!

Congrats you're doing awesome. I've never even heard of herbal cigarettes! Do you roll them yourself? I think it's weird how at the end of my 2nd week it's like better and worse at the same time. I'm like constantly craving cigarettes all day but I don't actually want one if that makes sense. I still wake up and feel confused on why I'm not going out to the balcony but once I remind myself that we quit it's no problem. Idk it's so weird someday are definitely better than others. 

Shauna 08/29/2019

Lol YES. An actual thought "I want a cigarette" only happens a time or two a day, but there's this weird dissonance

every. single. hour.

when I'm not out on the back porch. Bedtime is actually the weirdest one for me right now.

Which I guess is why, combined with two drinks, I just went out and smoked one of the Honeyrose herbal cigarettes. Sigh. I mean, I'm still safe from nicotine, but giving in to the habit just reinforces it. I just made it that much harder to retrain myself. All the more reason to pick back up and get on with the business of the new me before it gets any harder.

I can't help but notice it's been a day and a half since I cruised the forum, too...funny thing...

(And yes, Shauna, I'd been making my own herbal cigs with the cig tubes until I realized that it was crazy expensive if I counted the labor, so I bought a bunch of this Honeyrose brand. They were mid-shipping when I decided I needed to be done smoking, because Murphy is a stinker.)

Gotta say, I'm a little worried about how bad the eczema on my hands has gotten. Looks as bad as when it first started 19 years ago when my life was, shall we say, way less stable than it is now. It's usually a stress thing and goodness knows expelling 23 years of nicotine and habit is physically stressful, but boy, I hope it dies back down soon. 

Though interestingly the patch that showed up on my foot after a very long May seems to be doing better. Huh.

Sorry, I'm sure that's way TMI, but you're the one who stumbled onto my quit journal. ;D

ZOMG SERIOUSLY WHAT DO WE DO AFTER WE DO SOMETHING AAAARRRRGH