Oh man! Right? Well, glad I finally did for sure. Maybe in some ways it’s easier. This forum is thee bomb. Exactly what I needed and what is getting me through. My last one was February 23rd I think, had one slip and learned it didn’t make me feel that good to feel that sh——y. So, I’m done. I absolutely knew when I finally did it I would regret not doing it years ago, and I do. But regret, like guilt, is non productive so I’m over that. Still some thoughts through the day, but they pass really fast.

Where are you?

Congratulations on getting past the first month!! For me at least, it was the absolute hardest part. Nice work letting the thoughts slide right on by!

I'm in the Denver, Colorado area. How about you?

I’m in Portland, Oregon. 
Yeah...it’s a lot of mental chatter and jibber jabber.  I have definitely found it best for me not to tug o’ war with my addict. Not even stepping in that pile of doo stuff. Just nod and walk along...
We’ll see about that dreaded 3 month mark I keep hearing about. 
 

Hello Meredith -- your nails look very nice.   Did you get gels or straight up acrylic? 

Are nail salons open by you?  Where are you?

I just get polish change on my own nails .. no gels, etc . but ALL the salons are closed by me.  Nail salons and hair salons have been closed for weeks and my hair and nails look a total disaster : ( 

I am in New Jersey.  Where are you?

Thanks!

I'd gotten them to celebrate my three-month-smober anniversary back in late November. It was a very interesting two-week experiment with acrylics which ended when I zigged and the acrylics zagged and I pulled a fingernail off.  I have no idea if nail salons are open near me now (presumably not, I would hope) as I've been rehabbing my nails from letting the salon remove the acrylics -- I have since learned why you don't do that. ;) On the bright side, I've started painting my own nails again and am much happier for it. 

They sure were pretty though...

Oh .. I get it .. sorry .. didn't catch on to date at first, etc ..

Congrats in your long term quit by now.  When I reach 6 mos I may treat myself to gels as a reward with the money I will save .. but will never go the acrylic route again .. used to get them years ago and they do totally destroy your actual nails underneath them though.  Know from experience as well.  But know friends who get gels and swear by them.

All salons for everything here are totally closed.  Need highlights so bad I look like a friggen' skunk! .. But life could be worse .. could have a loved on inside a hospital on a ventilator right now so I will try to refrain from vanity complaints.

Best, Deana

3/5/20 .. found my path to freedom.

ykw, it's my journal and if I wanna paste my rants here, that's mine to do.

New quitters, this may not be the post for you. Keep those dreamy eyes shining with hope.

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  Lainie, I'm right there with you.
  Marge, yes, we grow weary. So #%^()*_)*)^###&^ weary.
  For the entirety of month 9 I was dying for a cigarette. Weirdest thing, I powered through, whatever. 'S fine now.
  TLDR for the rest: And then I find this thread, just in time, and now there's hope where there wasn't anything but despair. Thank you all.

  But I haven't been able to sit still for more than two hours of work for the entire 10 months (ohheylook, that's today actually) and my poor little brain has pretty much trashed my life -- okay that's dramatic; I still have job, husband, and house, and some good has come of what I've lost -- trying to get noticed because IT NEEDS HELP.
  From the reading I've done and a brilliant insight from a friend I suspect that, having had lifelong (and genetic) depression and after 23 years of smoking, nicotine was, biochemically speaking, THE thing propping up my psychological stability. And then I unceremoniously and even viciously kicked that prop right out from under my poor little brain. No professional support, not even a lick of understanding that it might mess me up this bad. I mean, it's just quitting smoking, lots of people do it. Put on your big girl panties and b**** up.
  Oh, and did I mention that all happened 15 months after a minimal concussion? NO WONDER I went forgetting* crazy. Crazier. Enough to get over the stigma that's kept me off drugs for 15 years -- drugs that I maybe should have been on all along. And it's a fine time to dig in and maybe try to heal the lifelong issues, here in this desperate untethered scary space...
  So I started bupropion three days ago. We shall see.
  And then I find this thread, just in time, and now there's hope where there wasn't anything but despair. Hope that (even if I were still resisting the truth) there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope that 4 to 6 more months of this hell /could/ be taken one day at a time. Hope that my brain can, in fact, heal.
  So thank you all. So very, very much.
--<3 Meredith

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I wish anybody talked about how nicotine is an antidepressant and how the ONE THING you don't do with an antidepressant is abruptly stop taking it without medical supervision. I wish I had known the psychological shock would cost me my favorite pastime and my best friend and how the imminent threat of also losing husband and roof would break me. (Thankfully I still have both and they're a great support as I glue myself back together.) I wish anyone talked about how a year is just a convenient fiction and how that key's gonna feel pretty dang Pyrrhic when I still feel like this in [a month and four days][ten days]. I wish I had found this thread and the "Tricky 8-11 Months" about, ohsay, 10 months ago.
On the other hand, I shudder to think of a shiny-eyed, determined New Quitter coming upon this rant or others. So maybe it's for the best.

I know my brain and psyche will heal. I know I'll rebuild better, faster, stronger. I know this is my Path and what I need to learn.
And so far, it really, really sucks.

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I woke up composing 9/3's Fb post:
One year smober! Halfway there!!

The key is a lie, but I'll still wear a tiara today.
It cost me my avocation (albeit temporarily) and a close friend, but I'm not going back in that damn cage. Mainly, I am /never/ doing /this/ again.
It's been pretty much a living hell, but even now I have faith that my brain will heal.
*grin* the old advice still holds: take it easy and eat an avocado.

*micdrop*

Wowza!!!

Congratulations!! I bet that is a very empowering feeling. Nice work. Been following your journal and find it very validating and inspiring...and hilarious to boot! So...celebration plans are....???

Thanks for sticking around...mostly give yourself a great big pat on the back. Great job.