Hi Ana,

Keep on getting back up.

I don’t think stumbling makes you a masochist, unless we are all just naturally that by being human...

There are some blessed to have a perfect journey in that they go a long time without one, perhaps years, but even they struggle on the journey and come back here to acknowledge they are still addicts. They all usually tell about hitting a point of feeling release and freedom, but I think the key lies in acceptance of being an addict and finding a way to live with that. Kind of like when we started to smoke we let this part move in to our minds and at the time we didn’t realize it was moving in permanently. But when we decide to stop smoking we want it to move out. And it can’t. So maybe we just have to find a way to live with it...?

Just an angle I’m pondering.  Sure wish I could charge it rent! Haha.

Hi Dotti,

Welcome.  The 3rd day can be a tough one-glad you are here.  Read everything you can so you can kick this addiction for good.

Verywell Mind

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Why, yes , it was me. Do you have any ideas? You are a wonderful writer and I enjoy reading your posts 

Oh, thank you. 
I realize my writing ventures out and includes things that on the surface don’t seem to have much to do with smoking. This is when I hope folks understand that perhaps, under the surface, it does, in the sense that we are all different in how we process and express. As I told DJ, sometimes I’m writing to express what at times smoking suppressed. What I mean is, I would often go off to smoke to have some time alone and just think. I am not a person who can close my eyes to things around me easily. I do carve out time each day to just be alone, and it is a great need that if I do not get it I can become unbalanced. Used to struggle with that part and fight it and feel as though I had to be “on” all the time. It still takes work to pull back and force myself to regain some balance and reign in some passion for things, but, now, I am growing daily in my ability to do that. This was a huge part of smoking for me I think. So, maybe it can be helpful for you too to recognize some connections other than just the nicotine that smoking had for you? I’ve always been a “mover” physically, meaning it is very hard for my body to be still. So...I walk. A lot. Now several hours a day some days without smoking. Weather has never stopped me (I live in Portland so if you’re gonna live here you can’t be bothered much by rain or you will be bothered a lot) , light or time of day doesn’t matter, and even being somewhat ill at times doesn’t stop me. Just gotta move. Anyway...see if you can take a stroll...just get out and let your mind go and notice what is around you. Notice the way the light filters through tress, notice the shifting of a breeze, notice the movement of clouds, notice the change of smells and the feel of moving from sun to shade. Notice too the voice that says “I need a smoke”. Take it with you and teach it new comforts. 
Here is a quote I posted a while back that is not mine but I liked it. No known author to credit...

”Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.”

Hi L! 

"sometimes I’m writing to express what at times smoking suppressed. "

I'd never thought of that, that smoking meant some me time in a way and that supressed thoughts are bound to explode into a relapse. That's a great point of view! 

That certainly puts a lot of relapses in perspective. Maybe I should listen to myself more and act out less :) 

I love that quote!  Im definitely going to use it, of course not claiming it as my own. You really are brave and strong. I look up to you and see the progress you have made and am in awe. I live in Montana, so the weather is miserable and cold at times, but I admit I have been walking my dogs for about an hour per day. They seem to enjoy getting out and I think it's good for me. Yesterday the breeze was nice on my skin and I did try to notice things, it's just so hard at times. I use lozenges but they make your mouth so dry! When I first started seeing my therapist she asked me how much time I spend outdoors. I wasn't sure why that mattered, but she said the outdoors, even just a little taste of it, is good for mind and body. So I started gardening and taking walks. My beds have gotten larger as time goes by, but they are not mature plants yet. My husband even helps. Sometimes, as we pull weeds in silence, it's nice to have company yet be alone in my thoughts. I call him my cal Coolidge. He doesnt chatter on and on. But when he says something it is profound, important, and he means it. He is gentle and tender towards me, always supporting me. I know he's not ready to quit right now, but he really helping me out a lot. I might also mention that he stinks so it's been a real deterrent from me picking it up again. It also prevents some smooching. I know I can do this. I know I'm capable. It's just sometimes I have a million reasons to smoke. I have a list of why I want to quit, but sometimes it seems silly. I am going to beat this. I have to do it for me. In the past I've quit for others, but it never stuck. Now it's just me I'm fighting for.

Hi Marge :) 

I absolutely will. 

Thank you for the encouragement, always! 

Ana

Listen to yourself always. Trust yourself. You are stronger than you know. And when you feel that quiver and shake and question, step back, reach in, dig down, breathe...and carry on anyway. At the end of the day, though someone may lay beside you...we all fall asleep alone. This...is a very good thing. 

That is way more than half of the battle, realizing it is for you. We have to ask ourselves really...what is it that makes that the whole self cave to the small part? We are a sum of many parts. Separate out the addict part and give it what it wants on deeper level, just don’t give it the smoke. Sometimes it needs you to grab it and shake it and yell “bugger off!” Sometimes it needs you to nap, or to eat, or have some clear cool water. Sometimes it is the best darn dark chocolate money can buy! 
And sometimes...sometimes it just needs your other parts to tell it is ok, that they are aware it has lost what felt like it’s closest friend. In time, it will realize what a bad friend it really was, but, that takes time.

You got this. I am not someone to be in awe of, but thank you. I have stumbled too. And if not with smoking, I stumble with other things every single day. Mostly I can forgive myself. Often, I ask and hope that others will forgive me. But I never ask more than once, and never expect others to ask more than once. 
Carry on Tiny. Don’t make it more of a struggle than it needs to be. Soothe yourself and carry on. It is summer now and get out as much as you can and by the time it is cold again you will be several months in and be stronger. That time is gonna go by either way...