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Started May-31 by Loreficent; 359 views.
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

May-31

Hey All...

Before I say more, this post has an upfront disclaimer that it is not intended as a form of political statement nor to spark ANY discussions on viruses, police, looters, red, blue, green, rainbow, or any other subject of headlines anywhere. It is about humanity and humility and the fragility of the human heart and mind and that thoughts of an addict. So...

It seems ridiculous this moment to sit here wanting to smoke. For those of us in the US, a Nation, yes, roiled with anger and unrest, filled with fear and uncertainty, as we yet are still facing a somewhere in time pandemic, economic breakdown, and ever increasing heights of divisiveness...as I sit on my deck in the cool lingering mist that drags to lift so slowly that it leaves bits of dampness settled on my skin...it is ridiculous to still want to smoke. What peace or comfort or joy would that bring to this crazy world I am so caught up in to light a cigarette? I’ve been on here long enough to know what it would and wouldn’t change. 
Would it bring any difference other than to offer my addict inside of me a reprieve, a small few moments of a gift of escape, a physical release that will for a few short moments give me strength to carry on, will it perhaps dull the other senses enough for a few small moments so that I can recommit and renew the depth of passion and strength that is needed to carry on? I have to ask myself if this is why we relapse? Is this what is laying disguised deeper within the thought of “just one”? 
I wrote about void somewhere a while back. Wondering if I had smoked to fill that space...the space inside that is filled with nothing. The void is not unrest. It is nothing. No fear, no joy, no pain, no sorrow, no light nor dark...it is the detached space inside that one has that we carry along. In some ways I smoked so as not to go to this space alone. Yet in some ways my smoking created the space and kept me from moments with loved ones, kept me from facing all of the other challenges and tribulations of my daily life and gave me a few moments to escape if I were angry or sad or lonely or at times, yes even at those times in the refractory period after the fulfilling accomplishment of summiting a particular Mt Hood meadow, or other luminous moments of climax of great accomplishment or physical release and the void felt welcome.
Perhaps I smoked to nudge me into my void that in moments of life are desperately needed so that I could refuel my passion and strength and give me the intestinal fortitude I need to carry on...
Yes, I’ve been here long enough to know what “just one” won’t change. Who am I to challenge the gods of laws of addiction? Those laws are the same for all of us and this I know. 
Writing this has brought down the wave to a manageable level and I have told you all what we already all know. One won’t change anything. Not in the world, not in the hearts of others that are so profoundly unsettled as they deal with the for now so uncertain times of destruction and loss and anger and hate.
Addiction is an anarchist in me trying to bring about change to everything else that seems unsettled and without order and if it weren’t for the physical destruction it brings I would give it that gift of Just. One.

Yes the drug addict in all smokers needs plenty of time to pass before that void, urge, nagging want for a cigarette abates. Change is difficult and this addiction will bring you to your knees at time. Put in the time and your brain will fix everything. Our thoughts, logic and emotions will all survive this mental battle as long as you just don't fall for the just one ever again. So, keep taking this One Day At A Time till your brain and mind settle into your new smoke free life. Be proud to be a quitter & Keep on NOPING! relaxed

"Quitting isn't for Sissies!" I quit poisoning myself Sept. 27, 2013

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

May-31

Thanks Debbie, again.

yeah...time is one thing we all have in common. Moments add up and eventually the day is conquered. Sleep is a good escape too and I’m already planning my nap! Yay! That is always there when all else fails...

JerseyDee

From: JerseyDee

May-31

Very heartfelt words Lore.   And you are right in that you should refrain from even just one.  I had just one last Monday and that lead to a tremendous struggle on Tuesday to get past a hurdle that i had already passed nearly 3 months ago.

That just one did nothing for me and only lead to the nagging of just two, just three .. I was very fortunate to fight those urges off but many are not as lucky.  It was very strong will and while I am proud of myself I would have been even prouder had I not caved in and had that just one .. The day after I was REALLY kicking myself.

Stay the course.  Do not think of that just one junkie thinking.  It is the voice of the addict.   A very hard and real fight but you can do this.  Having one leads to NOTHING good.  Nothing at all.

Take your nap.  Sleep is a real powerful too in this.  Stay strong Lori.

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

May-31

Man if I have to deal with another poof on here...

Anyway, thanks Dee. I’m good. So far so good. As I was saying before the poof (which maybe it is this iPad? My other one seems to poof less...) anyway, sandwich, walk, nap, kombucha, more walk, clean something, read a new book some that came yesterday, walk, maybe a movie? walk, then bed. So there is my day. I’m really proud of myself that in plotting that out I didn’t put “smoke”. Off now till Saturday so will get a lot of miles in this week. Down 6 pounds from a few weeks ago and that motivates me. Mostly just walking a lot and eating good. Haven’t had any sugar other than what is in my Kombucha since I started drinking the stuff. Didn’t have much before really, though I do love chocolate I will only eat dark smooth GOOD stuff. I’m a chocolate snob and proud of it. Better than being a smoker who doesn’t care if they smoke I guess...?

Came back to answer a question you asked me somewhere I don’t think I answered...no I don’t walk to work. Sometimes drive, sometimes bus. It’s only about 4 and a half miles so I could but I start at 7am and usually don’t leave till about 8pm, sometimes later. It takes too much energy to get through the days there for me to go in having already spent an hour walking. I have taken the bus in and walked home, will do that some this time of year as it is light late. I work in a bad part of town though. 
Next time around here I’ll tell you of my plans for the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail) in 2022. Yup. 

Thank you.

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