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Closet smoker   Introductions/Newcomers Nook

Started Oct-22 by jlbenham123; 437 views.
jlbenham123

From: jlbenham123

Oct-22

I need to quit! I have been a closet smoker for 12 yrs and recently disclosed to my husband that I smoke. He didn’t say anything for about 3 days then erupted tonight. He told me that he can never trust me again because I have been lying to him all these years. He may want a divorce after 15 yrs of being together. 
I knew this day would come and I have been asked by friends “why would you risk it” The answer isn’t that easy. I am addicted to nicotine and cigarettes have ran my life for many years. I have lived with shame and disgrace for so long and in turned struggled with depression living with this lie. 
I have to quit once and for all but I will be doing it alone because I have no support. 
I tell myself I will smoke 1 cigarette in the morning to get that last satisfaction and throw the pack away. 
Please help me. My life is about to face more struggles then my heart and head is ready for.

Has anyone else closet smoked and how do I explain to my husband and hopefully save my marriage that I’m not a bad person I just have a addiction that is current bigger than me. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Oct-23

Hey there...

Wow. Heavy stuff...yes, I “closet smoked” from most people. Including my Ex when we were together, but, he was doing it too. First off, a decision to quit is absolutely the best one for you to make for YOU. I’m going to be blunt, and come right out and say this, and I am hoping others will chime in, but, if this decision is not made for you by you, it is not set up to succeed.
I would tell him that, yes, you are an addict. This is not the end of the world, nor should it be the end of a 15 year relationship. I will say also that I completely understand his anger, and so should you. Cigarettes have been your secret lover, and he doesn’t get it. 
But...that is only the beginning. Maybe start with setting up a time in the next few days to sit down and talk. This will give him some time to adjust and settle down a bit. If you have made the decision to stop, which I hope you have (again for you) this gives you a few days to get on here and get reading the articles and formulate a plan. Write some stuff down. Make a list of your reasons and plan. Take this when you two sit down and share it with him. This may help him see that you have the desire and are preparing. Better yet, why not share this Forum with him? Or at least the articles? He does sound as though he could use a little insight into addiction in general. I do think he isn’t as mad at you as you think, but is really angry at the dishonesty this addiction has lead many of us to have with ourselves and others. 
So...take a breath. You have found a wonderful place here where you will not be alone and will have an amazing amount of support. I promise you won’t be alone and without support. 
Im sure I’ll come back and write more as I think about this, but you sound distraught and I wanted to reply quickly. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Oct-23

Another member actually linked this article earlier today. Small world. Anyway...read it.

https://www.verywellmind.com/confessions-of-a-closet-smoker-2824776

jlbenham123

From: jlbenham123

Oct-23

Thank you so much. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Oct-23

Anytime! What time zone are you in? 

Jaka38

From: Jaka38

Oct-23

We were discussing that letter not so long time ago and many of us find some similarities with our addiction. I was also lying to my wife a lot, every time I begin anew after numerous quits. It's rather difficult on his side as well but cannot be sole reason for splitting after so many years. So listen to Loreficent's advices and talk to him honestly, without hiding, tell him the brutal truth of your addiction and how everything in your life rotates around it. It's hard to think of it that way but you know it's true. 

CC to Loreficent
Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Oct-25

So...how is it going? Jaka is right. The smoking cannot be the sole reason to split up. Hope you guys are talking now!

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