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Tinys journal   Quit Stories and Journals

Started Dec-27 by TinyBadger; 2149 views.
TinyBadger

From: TinyBadger

Dec-27

Hi. I'm tiny and I've been around for a while. I've been smoking since I was 16, quit for 7 years (my husband said he wouldn't marry a smoker) and just lost an almost 190 day quit. The holidays are the worst for me, every relapse I've had is near the holidays. I figured I'd start a journal to keep me accountable and to give me something to read over when I'm getting desperate for a smoke. I want to quit, I really do, but I'm not delivering on the nope pledge. It's 9 pm my time, and I just had my last cigarette. I used to say I hope I can quit but I realize now that I'm an addict, and always will be. I also know that hope isn't going to pull me through this. I've seen people come and go from the forum and always wonder if they maintained their quit or relapsed and didn't want to say. I've always been forthcoming about my slips and relapses, so don't expect me to cover my behind. I want to quit, for me and for so many reasons. They are probably very similar to your quit reasons so I don't bore you. I have an app that will remind me why I quit, and keep track of my stats. Now all I have to do is quit. I know the drill, I've done it before but it seems so hard recently. I suffer from mental illness and take medications. One of the meds is giving me tremors and other issues so I'm being weaned off of it. I think that may be part of why I lost my quit. Anyhoo, I'm going onward and upward. I plan on venting here at times, as well as celebrating my victories. The mornings are the times when I get most desperate to smoke, so I'll check back then, if I have time. I'm going to try to sleep a little more tonight so I'm at my best tomorrow. I get really frantic in the mornings, searching high and low for cigarettes. I always think my husband is hiding them from me and wake him up early to nag him or make him buy them for me. It makes him pretty mad, and I can't say I blame him. I get crazed. Seriously out of control. So I'm going to bed now, and will brush my teeth the minute I wake up. Then I'll put in my lozenge and get ready. I can do this. I did it before, and I can do it again. It is achievable and I know with hard work I'll get to the clubhouse. I want to be able to say I'm a non smoker. 

In reply toRe: msg 1
TinyBadger

From: TinyBadger

Dec-28

Well it's been a little over 10 hours and I'm awake for the day. I'm feeling panicky, like I have to smoke RIGHT NOW. My husband says he doesn't have any. My car goes to the shop for maintenance this morning so I won't have time to buy any cigarettes. I hope this feeling goes away soon. They say cravings only last a few minutes but I swear they last forever. 

gkim

From: gkim

Dec-28

Scary that after 190 days the urges are still strong. I’m on day 54(?) and this morning I woke up and boy I really wanted one. The couple of days was ok though. I expect it will come and go. Yesterday I was reading some people’s journals on cancer and so forth on this forum so this morning when I wanted a cigarette I thought about those stories. Through their pain I will learn. They are all so brave for sharing their stories. 

In reply toRe: msg 3
TinyBadger

From: TinyBadger

Dec-28

I think that they are brave too. It takes a lot to come forward and be honest about your situation. Later in my quit I found that I didn't want to smoke very often, but every now and again pow! It would sock me in the stomach. Don't be scared. I was unprepared and thought I could have just one. I don't ever want to restart this again. If you are careful and prepared you'll go far. Just never let your guard down. 

In reply toRe: msg 4
TinyBadger

From: TinyBadger

Dec-28

I made it a whole day. 24 hours took some work but I made it! I felt ancy and on edge, and very hungry. I am coughing a lot and people are giving me the covid eye. (yes, I wear a mask) the morning is struggle time so I'm trying to prepare for it. I definitely do not want to lose progress because of a morning slip. I'm leaving my patch on overnight so that I'll hopefully have some nicotine in my system first thing. Some people complain of nightmares, but patches have never done that to me. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Dec-29

Good job Tiny.

So, today was a good day. Any day you don’t smoke is a good day. Yeah, mornings are tough at times for me too. Especially this past month being off. Sleep schedule is all out of whack. Are you a morning coffee drinker? I was determined not to change that in any way. Well, I did as far as where I had it for a few weeks, but I wasn’t gonna not have it unless he’ll froze over. And I knew that didn’t happen as I was in hell the first few days of the quit! joy Very glad you’re on the patch. I think that is a good self care choice for you. I didn’t get nightmares, just some vivid kind of strange dreams. I think it helps if you can sleep with it and not wake up overwhelmed, so go for it. 
You will have a good Tuesday, I just know. Celebrate your choice and decision and stay determined. 

TinyBadger

From: TinyBadger

Dec-29

One day and 15 hours in. I'm glad I went back to the patch, I think it's helping. I didn't want to, but it's for the best. I don't drink coffee unless it's got whipped cream and tons of crap in it. Only have one.of those a couple of times a year. I forgot my my morning lozenge and I was ok. Come to find out my husband combined bottles without looking at the label so I'm having a crap shoot about which mg I'm getting. I guess I had the smaller one with me yesterday and didn't notice, so next time I buy them I'll use the lowest dose. I feel like garbage today, but I'm carrying on. Who would have thought a few days of smoking would start the coughing all over again? I don't want to do this again. I lost so much when I relapsed. Especially confidence. I was feeling so great about myself and now I feel like im not sure if I can do this again. I know these feelings will pass, eventually. 

Loreficent

From: Loreficent

Dec-29

Funny...people that I’m close to always think I have all this confidence. Well, I’m gonna put it out there for all the world to see right now; no, I don’t. I came across an article recently that you should read. It hit home with me and I discussed it for half an hour with my shrink last week. He is someone who is aware of my vulnerabilities let’s say. Confidence is often a topic with us. Anyway, when I shared it with him he said he has been wondering for a long time when I was gonna come to terms with what I perceive as my lack of confidence is well made up for with courage. I’m gonna go out on a limb and be confident and say, he is right. I do tons of stuff Tiny that most people I know my age would not do. Not because I’m confident but because I do have courage. Perhaps growing up with four older brothers taught me something after all. So anyway...screw confidence. Do it anyway. Be COURAGEOUS. It will get you to do way more in your life than confidence ever will anyway. And if your honest with yourself and look down at that Lily...it already has my friend. Let me find it and come back and put a link to the article. Then you read it and carry on. 

TinyBadger

From: TinyBadger

Dec-29

I like that article a lot. It made me feel, well, more confident! Maybe courageous is a better word. I had therapy tonight and we talked about a lot of stuff. It made me want to smoke but I'm 7 minutes away from 2 days, and I don't want to give it up. The urge is pretty strong. The world has always been stressful, but this covid thing is rough. Out lives have changed in a lot of ways. I'm blessed to not have had covid yet and I definitely don't want to try to fight it off as a smoker. I know I can do this. I'm strong and courageous. 

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