Hi Suzy,

Oh no I’m so sorry to hear that! As Anthony said there are no recriminations. This is a horrible addiction, a disease that is so hard to recover from. The most important thing is that you are straight back on the horse! We can’t change the past so it’s going forward that matters.

Also just because you smoked doesn’t erase the benefit of those 6 weeks when you weren’t smoking. You’ve still got what you learned from that quit and the healing in your body in that time.

Also it’s great you can be honest about what happened. The junky thinking that if you buy them you don’t have to smoke them... we know it doesn’t make sense but we still go along with it right?! It’s that crafty old Nic.

I know that horrible mix of dismay and relief that comes with a relapse. This addiction asks us to split ourselves into two warring camps! No-one should have to go through all this and I’m sorry you’re having to.

Please be kind to yourself Suzy just as you are to others on here who have smoked. You’re going through a lot with your son. I hope you can do some nice little things to bring you some positive energy (like, I don’t know, a lovely dip in the seaaaaaa).

Sending you a big hug,

Katie

Quit 4th March 2017

Thanks Anthony, and I'm glad you're back on the horse too - we have the same quit date!!

Yes, I need to do something to set some boundaries, but you're right, it's hard.  I don't want to alienate him completely, but we can't go on like this.   Thanks too for talking about your son.  It helps to know I'm not alone, and gives me hope that things might get better.

Whatever happens though, smoking won't help, and the rewards of not smoking really are tremendous.   I hope you got through Day 1 ok. 

Suzy

Hi Katie,

Thanks for the hug!  And for the reminder that the benefits of the last six weeks aren't completely erased, although it doesn't quite feel like that at the moment - I feel really disappointed and stupid.   But I've learned a lot, I hope, and will be more careful this time - I think I just wasn't paying enough attention to how I was feeling, and actually wasn't on here enough in the lead-up to buying them.    And I think there was a lead-up, even though it felt like a split-second decision at the time - I just didn't hear the alarm bells ringing (or maybe just shut my ears to them).

I will try to be kind to myself.  I went out for lunch with a friend today and that was lovely, but definitely want to do something healthy tomorrow so the weight keeps going in the right direction.   I'm not sure it'll be a swim  but I WILL have a paddle.  And I'm booked in for the gym in the morning.  And I haven't smoked today and it's 8.30pm.  So things could be worse.

Thanks for your kindness and support - it really does mean a lot.   And how are YOU?  I hope you're ok.

Suzy 

Because although it did feel like a split-second decision, there was a lead-up

Yes, to not smoking for today and from this day onward.

Hi Suzy,

How are you doing? How was the gym this morning? I hope you are feeling good in your quit again.

I don’t think you’re stupid for having smoked. It’s just what addiction does to our minds. It’s annoying that in order to get free from the addiction we have to string together lots of uninterrupted logical thinking and behaviour - which is just what is so hard when you’re addicted! And it only takes one moment of weakness to undermine so much hard work. It’s awful and unfair - like when are weak moments in other parts of our lives punished so heavily?!

Anyway I’ll try not to go into full rant mode!

I’m sure you’re right that there was a build up beforehand, especially with the emotional strain you’ve been under. It’s a tricky balance between trying to keep distracted/going forward but also not ignoring alarm bells isn’t it. Good idea to stay close to the forum for support.

Is there any change with how your son is doing?

I’m ok thanks. Definitely enjoying some cool swims in the warm sun. My daughter is coming on leaps and bounds, sometimes literally! She has started trying to ‘read’ her books from memory and it’s so lovely. E.g “burble burble burble sun came up burble pop! burble burble hungry CATERPILLAR”. Work is a bit stressful and busy at the moment but I’m going to forget about it til Monday.

How did it go moving your boat?

Take care and speak soon Suzy,

Katie x 

Quit 4th March 2017

Hooray to that, Anthony!  I'm so glad you're still here.  This is hard I know, but we will be (already are!) so much the better for not smoking. 

Hang on in there, dear quit twin - we might only be on Day 2, but we've both had some quite long quits and we KNOW that we can survive just fine without this nicotine crap, and even feel better for it.

We are on opposite sides of this beautiful planet, but I feel very close to you all the same.  Please let's hold hands through all of this and get to the other side!

I'm not counting on you to help.  You're not responsible for me and I'm not responsible for you - for all of us this is our own personal and private battle - but I can't tell you how lovely it would feel to know that you are breaking free alongside me. We do go back a long way, after all.  And maybe now really is the time.

Lots of love and strength to you, Anthony, and thank you for the help in the meantime.

Suzy

Hi Katie,

Thanks for caring!  I am feeling good in my quit again today.  I don't, honestly, know quite what happened - I really thought I was fine, but I obviously wasn't.  I am trying to figure it out so it doesn't happen again, but the thing I'm most pissed off with is that I didn't come on here and ask for help. I just didn't think I needed to.  I will try to learn from that, and hope I already have.

Things are very difficult with my son, and it's making me cry just writing that. I have a photo of him as a child where he's clapping his hands with joy and the light has turned his fuzzy blond hair into a halo.  When he's well, he really is the nicest person you could hope to meet - I know I'm biased, but it really is true. But things have been really awful the last few weeks.

He has started a new therapy (EMDR) where according to him the therapist is telling him that all his memories must be true.  We (his family and his psychiatrist) know that some of his beliefs are delusional, but because his therapist has been so adamant that there is no such thing as a fabricated memory, his trust in us and in the psychiatrist has been really damaged, to the point where he is reluctant to keep taking the medication that the psychiatrist has prescribed.  We have been trying to help him for more than ten years, so to have all this undermined in six weeks feels really, really hard - and also seems really negligent.  I really don't know what to do about that - I want to write a ranting letter of complaint, I want to shout and scream.   But I also think that that's not fair - everyone involved is doing their best, I know that.  I think I just feel pretty helpless, actually

But hey, I don't smoke - I won!  And to all of you who didn't smoke today, YOU won too.

It's so lovely to hear about you and your daughter.  You and she help me feel hopeful about the world, and about what good people can do to make it better.

Hi Suzy,

Ive been off a couple of days, out to our incredible Coast, and missed this. I’m so sorry it was a rough time and about the smoking. I know that feeling; the disappointment in yourself, the anger, all of it. I don’t think I can add anything more to what Katie and others have said as far as encouragement, other than you’ve got my support too. 
This Forum is the best because it does give us a sense of accountability really, and it takes courage to come on and profess our faltering. Feeling sorry to us, though I understand, isn’t necessary. I believe in you and know you can do this. The day will come when this moment will be a distant memory and you will see how far you’ve come. In the meantime, try to be gentle with yourself and be the encouraging, supportive, kind person to yourself that you are to others. We are in this together. 

Thank you, Lore.   It's hard not to beat myself up, but I'm trying to focus on the positives - I've learned something (I hope!) and I'm very glad not to be smoking now.  One day at a time.

It's a beautiful day here, and we're about to set off to meet our friends at a campsite - really looking forward to seeing them and breathing lots of fresh, smoke-free air.

But the best thing of all is that my son's new meds really might be working!  I'm hardly daring to hope, but this morning we've had two nice, calm, reasonable conversations - there were even a couple of jokes in there, and it was just lovely.  I'd forgotten what it was like to relax with him.  

I hope you're having a lovely day in Oregon, doing whatever makes you happy.  Thank you for being so kind.   It means a lot to me.

Suzy x

Hi Suzy,

Often we are our own worst critics, and it is so unnecessary. The World is tough enough right now. Being harder on yourself probably won’t help. Yes, focus on the positives and use that energy to turn things around and believe in yourself. You’ve come through a lot and done very well! Many of us would have caved weeks ago. Even so, you got right back on the horse with determination! Yes! 
 

Im really happy to hear things were a bit more stable with your son. There may be ups and downs yet, but those ups are like little seeds and they will grow and it will help him too to have those days. 
 

How lovely you are camping! It will do you good to be with nature and non smoking friends, so relax, enjoy, and embrace the moments.  We had a gorgeous warm week here, and now I’m working for the weekend. Maybe not always my favorite thing to do here, but mostly it does make me happy to be useful.

Take care and enjoy your weekend! Will be sending loads of good energy your way.