Hi Lore,

I had a wonderful weekend, thank you - we were just parked up in our vans in the corner of a farmer's field (couldn't sit outside for long as it was so cold and windy), but the view was gorgeous - you could see for miles across a valley and the sun was shining - and it was wonderful to see our friends too. 

Son is still good, which is the best thing of all.  

Hope you had a good weekend too, even though you were working, and talk soon.

Suzy

Don't worry Anthony - the important thing is that you've quit again.  It sounds as if you had a great day in other ways too - walking in the fresh air in a beautiful place, no painkillers (It's great news that your hip is healing so well!), a bit of shopping, a nice lunch, and then the rugby!  Some days are just good days, aren't they - it's so nice when that happens!

Keep up the good fight, Anthony.  

Suzy

Hi Katie,

Thanks for your reply, and yes, things ARE looking up!   I meant to put an edit in my message to you, but ran out of time before I had to leave for our camping trip - I'm glad you saw my post to Lore, because the one to you was quite depressing...   Sorry x

The best thing is that my son is taking his meds and seeming to improve.  I honestly think the therapy was making him worse, so I've refused to pay for any more of it.  I'm happy to fund other therapy, at least until he can get some via the NHS, but I'm not going to keep shelling out £80 an hour to a therapist who's basically telling him that his psychiatrist and his family must all be lying to him!   Anyway, I'm very cautiously optimistic, but you're right, I'm sure there will be ups and downs.  At least, though, something is shifting, as you say - and at least I've had a glimpse of that happy little boy, who I've sometimes thought was gone forever.  I will try to keep hanging on to the idea that he is there somewhere, even when things are bad - thank you so much for that.  It helps a lot.

And what a shift for you too!  I'm so glad your dad listened, even if he couldn't understand it all.  And you don't sound pompous!  You never sound pompous, you just sound like a lovely, thoughtful, kind person.   It's really great news, and even if you're never super-close, it will still feel so much better.  Well done him - and you.

I'm feeling pretty calm and relaxed today - my weekend away did me a world of good - and very clear that I don't want to be a smoker (and that there's no such thing as 'just one').   Tomorrow we will sleep on the boat, ready for going down through the lock onto the river proper at 8am on Thursday.

I hope you've had a good day too, and talk soon.

Suzy x

Hi Suzy,

How are you? Hope all went well with moving your boat.

So pleased to hear things have been looking up with your son. How is he at the moment? Sorry it didn’t work out with the EMDR but it does sound like it was very destabilising. Must be so hard for you to make these decisions but I hope you can trust your judgment and get support from the psychiatrist too.

How has your week been and how are you feeling in your quit?

Work has been very busy for me but interesting. I’m glued to the tv watching the snooker this weekend!

Hope all is well with you,

Katie x 

Quit 4th March 2017 
 

Hi Katie,

Moving the boat was lovely - a beautiful day for it, and now she's on her mooring in the middle of the Exe, ready for adventures (although I don't really feel like having fun at the moment - hope I will soon).  The not smoking is also fine - the odd niggly thought, but I just don't want to be a smoker any more.  I know I can do it, and be happier for it - and I also know that it doesn't help with stress.  Which is good, because things have gone downhill again with my son.  I'm trying to persuade him to make an urgent appointment with his psychiatrist, but he probably won't because the therapist  - who ought to be struck off, in my opinion - has been in touch with him again, and now he doesn't even believe he's ill.  It's a nightmare, and just so sad.  I'm still hanging onto hope that one day it will all be all right, but it's hard to believe it sometimes.  He is so angry and upset about things that never happened, and utterly convinced he's right.  There's no reasoning with him, and all I can do is tell him that I love him and I'm there.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Thanks for checking in with me, and I'm glad you're having a nice weekend.  I'm intrigued about the snooker -  is there some sort of family connection?  I suppose it seems an unusual interest for a young mum, but then again I remember being glued to coverage from the Crucible when I was growing up!  You're probably too young to remember Steve Davis and Alex Higgins, but they were amazing.  I used to root for Hurricane Higgins because he seemed so much wilder and more interesting.  He smoked, though.

Have a lovely rest of your weekend, and thanks again.

Suzy x

, 

Hi Suzy,

I’m so sorry things have been hard with your son again :( It sounds so so tough and my heart goes out to you. You’re doing so well just to be there for him and show him he is loved no matter what. That is so powerful and important even though it might not seem that way just now. You’re his mum and that’s what matters.

It must be so hard trying to deal with this irresponsible therapist and your son believing things that aren’t true. I honestly don’t know what I would do.

Things will get better. It sounds like everything is stirred up and disrupted at the moment but there will be calmer times.

Meanwhile I’m so pleased to hear you are happy to be a non-smoker. Are you 2 weeks into your new quit now? Not so new hehe.

The snooker wasn’t a classic this year (although I still watched about 8000 hours of it!) I just got into it watching it with my husband on tv one day - it’s such a fascinating game, the skill, the tactics, the luck! And that thing where if you miss you have to sit in your chair and watch your opponent clear up - ouchy! We went to the Crucible a few years ago - I think I was the only pregnant lady there haha.

My daughter is currently into rolly-pollies. She hasn’t quite got the hang yet so puts her head down and sticks her bottom in the air then gets disoriented and falls sideways but triumphantly. She’s also trying to teach her cuddly pooh bear to do them :)

OK crochet time - making a horse for my friend’s daughter (her idea).

Sending hugs,

Katie

quit 4th March 2017

Hi Katie, and sorry for such a slow reply - don't worry, I am still a non-smoker (2 weeks and 1 day!), I've just had work every day this week and am knackered.   I don't know how I ever used to manage a proper full-time job.

Things are better again with my son - he has now made the appointment and seems calmer again - but thank you so much for the kind words; they really do help.

I love how good the snooker players are too - if I was playing and my opponent missed, though, they wouldn't have to watch me clear up (which I agree is very ouchy) - they probably wouldn't even bother to sit down.   I'd probably miss AND pot the white.  I played pool a few times at uni - didn't ever win.  Oh well.  

I love the image of your daughter falling sideways but triumphantly - a very important life skill, I'd say.   Even Olympic gymnasts do it, after all - no matter how much of a heap they land in, they still jump up and go "Ta dah!"  

Hugs to you too.  I won't be on here much over the next couple of days (work this afternoon and boat on Saturday), but I am fine.

Suzy

P.S. Please post a picture of the horse when it's done?

Hi Lore,

Hopefully you're just busy with work (or even better, fun), but I haven't seen you on here in a little while and I am missing your gentle thoughtfulness!  Hope everything is ok.

I'm ok, just about - been through the emotional wringer a bit, but still standing.

Big hugs,

Suzy

Hello Suzy,

Im so happy to hear from you! Thank you for checking in, it means a lot to me. 
Yes, a mix of both fun and work. I was up in Seattle for a few days last weekend and earlier this week. My daughter and I were visiting my Stepson, her brother. I love so very much spending time with him. Hard to believe he will be 27 in July. We are so close and talk about everything under the sun. I’ve known him since he was 3, and me and his dad (who is my daughter’s father) split up when he was near 12 and my daughter was 3. His mom and I are good friends and became even better friends after my divorce from the guy that was her Ex first. Whew! I just realized that is a round about explanation of who is who! Anyway, my Stepson is a person I am grateful to have in my life. I’ve often wondered if he and my daughter are the sole reasons I got with their dad to begin with. Either way, they are the best things that came from my relationship with my Ex and I am eternally grateful for these kids he brought to my life. I’ll have to send you a photo of something I saw in Seattle as I think you will get a kick from it. Seattle was profoundly beautiful. I have been many places in this country and stand by there aren’t any cities more beautiful than Seattle and Portland in the Spring. Speaking of...I read somewhere you aspire to drive across these United States some day! I do hope you get to do that. If so, you will need to let me know. I’ve done that several times from East to West and also North to South. Fair warning: it is a bigger Nation than even many folks here realize. A fascinating one in so many ways too, not only geographically but culturally and socially. Such differences between regions! But yes, that would be a grand trip. I will say, I’ve seen several “work aways” for a variety of places here, and several on the Oregon Coast. Perhaps you would be interested in one of those, haha! You could also likely get work at the medical school in Portland similar to what you do there! That could be fun for a bit. Perhaps you could house sit for me and care for my critters whilst I travel. So many options! 
 

Im so happy things are brighter again for your son. Remember, these times and days are seeds. Keep a little journal to have as a reminder for you to have if things turn rough again. Nothing too taxing, just a line or two of positive things you notice day to day while he is in this phase of treatment and recovery and discovery. It may be interesting and helpful for him someday too. Anyway, a thought of a way to hang onto hope when times are rougher. It helps with quitting smoking too to have note of positives you noticed, or a note of a day of challenges that you surpassed and not smoked. Something to look at on a future tough day. 
I’ll add too that reading somewhere about that one particular therapist he has that seems to undermine his progress...well, that is appalling and immensely irresponsible. I think there must be a type of governing body to file a complaint with, perhaps through his competent therapist. I believe I would call them and kindly ask them to refer you to their evidence base of practices; request journal studies that are published in respectable British Medical Journals. This should alert them they are being monitored. I will hush on this now as I don’t want to overstep. It did make me livid to read of your experience and I have difficulty not speaking out about incompetent practices. 
 

Yes, I think you should give the patches a go! I used them with good results. I used each phase about 2 weeks longer than recommended. It might be a bit rough going from gum or lozenges to them initially. I started with the patch and used the gum to supplement at the start. I only had 1-2 pieces a day for a couple of weeks, then very sporadically. I still have some though it is likely hard as a brick! I have had some in my bag all along. No harm. I promised myself I will have that before I buy smokes again. Some days are still one day at a time for me. Not all, but some. I am deeply affected by a variety of issues that plague our society and there are days I could let my addict voice talk me into smoking as things seem hopeless at times. I recognize the rationalization and carry on, usually with a plan for a walk or some form of nature escape. I guess my point is, there are things that the more we resist, the more they persist. Addiction can be one of those. I found embracing it and being honest with myself about the rationalizations and such is more helpful. There are some that actually make me laugh out loud at myself and that is always fun!  Anyway...steady goes. Keep the faith in yourself. And know that across the pond, I have faith in you too!

Thank you again for reaching out. The hug you sent came at a perfect time and was embraced fully. It did make my day. Here is one back to you too! 
 

Hope to speak soon!

Lore 

As promised...here in my Stepson’s neighborhood in Seattle, this is what I ran across. Of course I thought of you and Katie! It was very fun to see. 
It was a perfect day when I saw this, all blooms and sun and fresh smells. I wanted badly to enter it and transform myself into a Super Hero. I knew that wouldn’t happen, but it did make me spin tales of adventure in my mind!