Hi Douglas,

Always happy to see you on here! I wrote something the other day and tried to cc you but it seems there is a limit to how many folks can be cc’d. I got a very reassuring and supportive reply from AnnieXS which was incredibly helpful and validating. 
 

I’m about 2 and a half years and chugging along really well, with huge eternal thanks to this Forum. The last week or so I’ve been hearing that little addict voice with its subtle, seductive lure of rationalization. It sucks! Big time. Sorry to be so blunt, but there really isn’t a way to sugar coat it. It plain and simple outright sucks. 
 

Im not sure if you saw my post. I don’t want to be redundant and rewrite everything; it is under the Quit Support tab titled “Mind games”. I feel a ton better for sure with Annie’s reply. I am curious though if you recall at what point you realized you weren’t an addict in remission any longer? I’m still waiting for that total acceptance I think. Maybe I’m afraid of it…? I do think I’m not quite ready to let my guard down completely. I say that because of the mind games that have been going on in my head lately. Something else I just realized is I almost just wrote “the mind games I’ve been playing with myself lately “. I stopped myself from writing that because really, on a conscious level, I am not purposely having those thoughts! Which makes it even more frustrating really. The thoughts I’m having seem to just come right out of the blue. Now in my rational state I understand they are my thoughts in my own mind somewhere and whether conscious or not I am the one having or creating them. But it pisses me off to have to take responsibility for something that is happening in my lucid and sound, wakeful state without my wise mind’s permission! Ugh.

Ok…so I just realized I just wrote a whole bunch of what seems to be circuitous natter and kind of lost sight of my question . Well, you’ve been here since I was a newbie and are probably used to that from me, haha. I think basically I am very interested if you recall a specific kind of timeline over the last decade where when you look back you see definite kind of milestones? I would imagine that becoming a kidney donor to your brother was a huge factor in a lot of your thoughts in many areas of your life, but probably a lot for the smoking too? Was that a point where you just knew “I’m done forever and I don’t ever have to think about smoking again”? 
I want to be at that point. I want the deep, unwavering belief in myself as a nonsmoker. I thought I had it but that seductive little voice lives…..

Thank goodness I don’t have smoking dreams at least! My heart goes out to folks that have those. 

Hi Denim:  Am having difficulty negotiating thus website. I’m trying to locate a post I sent to ALLariund Sept 18, or thereabouts. It was about my moment of reve. Can’t find it. If you find it can find it please forward it to me. Thank you. 
anthiny

tonypfan

Hi Anthony,

As much as I love this Forum, it is clunky. Not sure this will help, but I’ll tell you one thing I have to check when I’m looking for something. You maybe already have done this…

At the top of the list on the left where it shows “Discussions” there is a little sub folder that has a drop arrow right below the word “Discussions”. Set that drop arrow to “All” and it opens all the folders of topics.

If you remember what folder you posted it in that may help you find it. Good luck!

Hi Lore, 

If I were to think back to the first few years of my quit I would say that up until the end of the fourth year the solidity of my quit wasn't yet a reality.  There was no question that i had quit. However, occasional thoughts would sometimes creep up on me, seemingly out of nowhere, suggesting that it was ok to consider having a smoke. After all i had clearly become a successful quitter.  These thoughts were very persuasive and therefore very dangerous.  When they occurred I would remind myself of how hard it had been to quit and to stay quit.  I would think of the huge regret those who had thrown away their quit for "just one" felt. How they loathed and despised themselves for such a miserable reward. 

Most who had quit confessed that when they lit the first smoke it tasted awful, how it made them dizzy.  Many would  light a few more to confirm how awful cigarettes were. Then they would tell themselves that they would finish the pack and return to their nonsmoking life.  By then the damage had been done, they had willingly fallen into the powerful grip of nicotine addiction again.  Having "just one" is like lighting a stick of dynamite and playing with it.

I can go on and on about this. The bottom line is, I knew I had a simple decision to make.  I could smoke zero cigarettes, or an endless  stream of tens of thousands of Marlboro 100 reds.  I chose Option 1,

One more thing: I have never met a former quitter who was glad they gave up their quit to become smokers again. Not one single one.

Don't  over think it, the choice is clear, just don't  smoke.

I would add that, I have friends that, even after 20 years quit, they tend romance that one smoke.  I think I do that as well from time to time but I know that it is a wolf is sheep's clothing. 

Not smoking is a conscious choice we have to make everyday to maintain our non-smoking lifestyle, everyday.    

Thanks my quit day is sept 21, I will be checking in often for support.

Hey Ben, 

This site was instrumental in my successful quit.  Use it to the max, support your fellow quitters, don't be shy about asking for help.

You can do this.

Speaking only for myself I can say that I have left the smokes behind.  I never dreamed about smoking but did dream about buying smokes, usually at an airport, stressed about boarding a plane to a destination 5 nonsmoking hours away.

Hallo Douglas,  Thank you for your advise and support , im nearly on my 6 weeks now and i must admit its getting much easier now , I still think about cigarettes from time to time during the days , but I just tell myself I dont want one , I have every faith that the longer I go , I won't even think bout them anymore , even though I see people smoking , hopefully in time it won't give me a second thought , and smoking will be a thing of the past.  Marjorie1244

Thank you Douglas

Exactly. Just don’t smoke. 
I know everything you say to be true. I had a day that I smoked somewhere around 4 months into this quit. I think I had like 6 or 8 that day, can’t recall exactly how many. I did throw the rest of the pack away before bed that night. Yes, it was a mind game that in hindsight was absolutely not worth playing. I’ve been on the horse since and am keenly aware of that stick of dynamite. I have no intention on playing with it either! It’s reassuring to hear these moments came and went for others at this point. For me, that normalization really helps me keep the addict piece in check. Not sure why, it just does.
 

It is reassuring to read what you wrote, along with what Annie wrote last night. I do understand that all of the transition going on in my life is likely what is prompting me to have these thoughts. Some part of me that is reaching for something that some piece of my mind is recalling as familiar and equating that with comfort. 
Again, like you said “Don't  over think it, the choice is clear, just don't  smoke.” 
 

It did help a lot to come write things out and seek some support. It wasn’t easy cause I really want to be at that point where I’m not needing to do that. So, yea, it is a little humbling. But most importantly, articulating those thoughts on here allowed me to gain some sense of control and nip the spiraling feeling in the bud. 
I know with all of my heart that I would not at all be happy to give up this quit to be a smoker again either. Ugh! I think some of that spiraling feeling was also coming from fear of that happening. It won’t. I won’t let it. The choice IS crystal clear. 
 

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the support. I decided that my energy is better spent on being grateful that you and others are here still lending a hand than it is on being angry at myself for needing to ask for a hand still.