I can totally relate to some kind of “weird dissonance every. single. hour.” Also my eczema in my scalp has flared back up. It had been nonexistent for years. 

It's kind of sad, but I think I trust never-smokers even less than I used to. Maybe it's because I'm only 13 days into my first quit (but 13 days!) and kind of insecure about that, so I want to hear their ignorance even less than when i was denying the health issues etc., but i sure wouldn't trust my quit to someone who hadn't been there.

Two weeks, woohoo! It's icing on the mud pie of my day waking from a depression dream and getting f-all done /yet/ again, but it's icing nonetheless!

Laying on the couch (because apparently I can't work at night anymore =-/ ) I caught a whiff of myself, of cigarette. Husband and I decided it's the combination of my new nose and not having gotten the car cleaned yet.

Funnier than that, though, is a nico-thought occasioned by a rabbit.

doo-da-doo! My quit app tells me I have now not-smoked one whole carton of cigarettes! 

(Two more packs' worth, and I'll have made up for the money I'd laid out for the herbal smokes I didn't smoke!)

Aaaaand there's the depression.  Lots of "worthless" thoughts yesterday, and today is just plain on the verge of tears. I think it's the combination of the change and the thing I need to say to someone. 

If only I'd spent the last 23 years getting better at all this instead of masking it. Forget* you, nicotine.

Said the thing, or at least the surface of the thing, to the person. More is coming to mind since I got off the phone. Understand, this isn't some earth shaking revelation that's going to completely upset their world or mine. I just didn't say a thing (in this case force a word in edgewise) *a year and a half ago*. And of course since it's so small and so old, it's exponentially more embarrassing to have to go back and deal with.

You know how there's all those people out there who are all like, "I wish I could just shut my mouth sometimes, it always gets me into trouble"? Yeah, so pathology lies on both sides of that fence my friend...

And all there is to do is suck up the utter ridiculousness of the situation I've created and deal with this piece of the mess in my head, no matter how small or how old or how much I look up to them and so wish I didn't turn into a damn 14yo when they're around.

Aww Meredith, I so Get it !!  Not sure where I was when they were talking about dealing with emotions, stress, communicating your feelings, anger, Important matters, etc, probably out having a smoke.  Hang in there, we are all learning this new and scary stuff. Then you throw in the change, Lordy Lil, life is like a big scary roller coaster ride.  We understand and have your back, Meredith. 

The irony is I'd really thought I'd gotten somewhere with managing my depression. ;D

Thank you for getting it, Brenda. This real-life stuff is...kinda scary. I'm reminded of that quote attributed to Audrey Hepburn: 

All we have to hold on to is each other.

Meredith (GettinFree) said:

All we have to hold on to is each other.

This is so awesome!  It is so helpful to have a fellowship with which we can support each other thru this nasty addiction.