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36 hours ...sort of   Quit Stories and Journals

Started 9/4/19 by Meredith (GettinFree); 11797 views.
In reply toRe: msg 17
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/16/19

It's kind of sad, but I think I trust never-smokers even less than I used to. Maybe it's because I'm only 13 days into my first quit (but 13 days!) and kind of insecure about that, so I want to hear their ignorance even less than when i was denying the health issues etc., but i sure wouldn't trust my quit to someone who hadn't been there.

In reply toRe: msg 23
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/17/19

Two weeks, woohoo! It's icing on the mud pie of my day waking from a depression dream and getting f-all done /yet/ again, but it's icing nonetheless!

In reply toRe: msg 24
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/18/19

Laying on the couch (because apparently I can't work at night anymore =-/ ) I caught a whiff of myself, of cigarette. Husband and I decided it's the combination of my new nose and not having gotten the car cleaned yet.

Funnier than that, though, is a nico-thought occasioned by a rabbit.

In reply toRe: msg 25
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/18/19

doo-da-doo! My quit app tells me I have now not-smoked one whole carton of cigarettes! 

(Two more packs' worth, and I'll have made up for the money I'd laid out for the herbal smokes I didn't smoke!)

In reply toRe: msg 26
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/18/19

Aaaaand there's the depression.  Lots of "worthless" thoughts yesterday, and today is just plain on the verge of tears. I think it's the combination of the change and the thing I need to say to someone. 

If only I'd spent the last 23 years getting better at all this instead of masking it. Forget* you, nicotine.

In reply toRe: msg 27
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/18/19

Said the thing, or at least the surface of the thing, to the person. More is coming to mind since I got off the phone. Understand, this isn't some earth shaking revelation that's going to completely upset their world or mine. I just didn't say a thing (in this case force a word in edgewise) *a year and a half ago*. And of course since it's so small and so old, it's exponentially more embarrassing to have to go back and deal with.

You know how there's all those people out there who are all like, "I wish I could just shut my mouth sometimes, it always gets me into trouble"? Yeah, so pathology lies on both sides of that fence my friend...

And all there is to do is suck up the utter ridiculousness of the situation I've created and deal with this piece of the mess in my head, no matter how small or how old or how much I look up to them and so wish I didn't turn into a damn 14yo when they're around.

Brenda (1sept19)

From: Brenda (1sept19)

9/19/19

Aww Meredith, I so Get it !!  Not sure where I was when they were talking about dealing with emotions, stress, communicating your feelings, anger, Important matters, etc, probably out having a smoke. worried Hang in there, we are all learning this new and scary stuff. Then you throw in the change, Lordy Lil, life is like a big scary roller coaster ride.  We understand and have your back, Meredith. 

Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/19/19

The irony is I'd really thought I'd gotten somewhere with managing my depression. ;D

Thank you for getting it, Brenda. This real-life stuff is...kinda scary. I'm reminded of that quote attributed to Audrey Hepburn: 

All we have to hold on to is each other.

alexisfree

From: alexisfree

9/19/19

Meredith (GettinFree) said:

All we have to hold on to is each other.

This is so awesome!  It is so helpful to have a fellowship with which we can support each other thru this nasty addiction.

In reply toRe: msg 28
Meredith (GettinFree)

From: Meredith (GettinFree)

9/19/19

Omg wrote a bunch of stuff on my phone, then hit the screen in just the wrong way and poof, all gone. Grr. 

So this thing came to mind: What if my urges to smoke, at least around the house, are actually a call for a break? That might be a nice way of getting myself to take breaks -- and thus help with productivity, if I know I'm gonna get one (even if it doesn't involve nicotine)!

Walked to the bus station for the first time since I hit my head 15 months ago. I'm vain about my hamstrings and got sick of the general weight gain too. It was also a really great retraining moment; I had always chain smoked when I walked, probably more even than when driving. (So it's weird for me to hear y'all saying walks help with cravings, right?) I literally didn't know what to do with my hands at first, but then the singing kicked in and I got pretty excited at the prospect of getting some of my voice back. Not that I was a particularly good singer, ever, but I used to be better. The sad part is I'm pretty sure vocal cords don't really heal. (I just Googled and they will, but probably not completely. It's better than I was expecting though, so I'll take it.) 

Unfortunately, I think the extra exertion deepened the depression hole. By the time I was driving home from Jazzercise, I was ready to burst into tears about literally the route I was taking to get home (which is my normal route, even). Thankfully I have the best husband in the world and he made me laugh about it and that helped, and then I Said The Thing and that helped some too. 

Still didn't get any damn work done, just like I still haven't, AT ALL, today. And it's nearly noon, for Pete's sake.

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