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36 hours ...sort of Quit Stories and Journals
From: Meredith (GettinFree)
9/20/19
Ohohoh, becoming an ex-smoker is like having your period: lots of people know what you're going through, but not everyone, and those who don't know have no clue that there's a whole world of things about it.
Head is much calmer today. I even had a second dream in one week! This was also about school (i.e., retraining, i.e., becoming an ex-smoker), but rather than getting rejected for licensure and crying like I used to, I was getting settled in a dorm room and prepping for classes. The song Calling All Angels featured, which I take as indication to enlist the support of my Superfriends, Quan Yin, Jesus, and White Buffalo Calf Woman. Woke up with a different song in my head:
Come here. No, I won't say please. One more look at the ghost before I'm gonna make him leave.
Come here. I got the pieces here. Gonna gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears.
From: Meredith (GettinFree)
9/21/19
Said the other tings to the person (by email, what a chicken), and yeah, okay, embarrassment is a trigger for sure. I could murder a cigarette right about now.
But instead I'll murder a nicodemon, and drink some water.
- Edited September 21, 2019 9:30 am by Meredith (GettinFree)
From: alexisfree
9/21/19
Good job Meredith! I’m drinking water right now. Today was a little heavier on the cravings for me as well. Just gotta make it til bedtime! 
From: Meredith (GettinFree)
9/24/19
Welp, three weeks here in about an hour. With any luck last week's depression hole /was/ the ickiness. We shall see.
Less active here partly because I seem to have gotten some of my ability to work back. Two days of a normal amount of work isn't yet a pattern but here's hoping. (Then I can start working on the amount of work I should be doing to pay off that resort vacation I'd bought...)
I guess that's the theme here: cautious optimism.
And hold the perky...also why I haven't been super active. Just not much cheerleader over here the last couple days. Maybe it'll come back; maybe it won't. It's a discovery, what I've got to work with now, which bits are the real me...
From: Meredith (GettinFree)
9/24/19
Two years ago I turned to my 16yo niece and said, "Don't do it. It's a trap." Since then the trap'd been getting more and more unbearable.
We're getting free!
"Say I really quit"...dealt with the same, smoking herbal cigs the first few days post nicotine.
I went the other way around, with herbal cigs, until I let Allen Carr convince me otherwise and I declared myself quit-quit. Now I'm not so sure I wasn't right (for me) with my original plan to stay on the herbals for another little while after I got over the nicotine. Or that's the junkie thinking talking. Mistake or no, the deed is done and I won't renege, but I still wonder if this is just another instance of going someone else's way instead of my own.
That, or this bout of resignation is being brought to you by the 3-week ickiness.
We shall see.
From: alexisfree
9/24/19
Meredith (GettinFree) said:That, or this bout of resignation is being brought to you by the 3-week ickiness.
Excellent analysis. Yeah, I'm feeling the blues over here. Overwhelmed by work. Hating EVERYTHING. Apparently my brain decided to stop working today. WTF.
From: Meredith (GettinFree)
9/24/19
Dumb and angry is just about my least favorite set of mental states ever. Yuuuck. 
Let's just get through today and see if we can't go to bed a little early tonight, get this poo of a day over with so we can be bright and shiny and smart and productive tomorrow.