Thank you Lore!!!  What you just wrote... I know this to be true. And it is exactly how I feel! To see my complicated feelings put into words helps me so much!  I love it!!! I love how you articulated exactly how I feel!!! I too have done gutsy things in life that most people don't do... But quitting nicotine? That takes GUTS. I too think I will soar higher than I could even imagine if I were successful at breaking the addiction.  It would be the most badass thing I could ever do! But there is fear.  A lot of fear.

You see. I have been nicotine free on and off. Sometimes for years in my 30s. I could go years with only having one with a drink here and there.  Or I could quit for 6 months then pick it up again for 3 months. Then quit again for another 6 months and on and on.  And then I found the lozenges which ended my affair with the smokes. But sadly enough, I became addicted to them and they basically consume me in the exact same way that cigarettes did.  I get anxious without them.  I crave for them every 2 hours. I still feel the sad pangs of failure and slavery... Only now to a lozenge.

I've already had 2 today and it is only 10am.  I am already thinking about when I can have another one. I remember smoking cigarettes and smoking half cigarettes in attempts to quit or butting one out only to pick it up off the ground and light it up again.  Feeling of failure, despair and slavery all rolled into one.  And what is awful. Truly awful.  Wanting to quit but not knowing how but knowing it can happen but when?  When will I finally end the cycle?

In all honesty I don't think I will gain the weight I have talked about. I have never gained even a pound whenever I would quit.  The real reason?  It is as you said Lore... FEAR.  Can I do it?  How will I do it?  How will I feel? Will I go back to it afterwards in the end?

So that is where I am at now.  6 to 8 lozenges a day. Knowing with all honesty I am not as afraid of gaining weight as I am of... Saying my final good bye. I need to know deep down inside that quitting is a happier life than remaining.  And I too know that you do not feel the magic you speak of until you are a month or two onto your quit. The beginning is not all magic. Will power needs to be there too!

Thank you Lore for your wonderful share!!! And on I go with my day. Will continue to keep you all posted!

I know 3 things to be absolute truth in life Jerthie. Of course they all have a story that helped me to learn them the hard way. 
 

1: IF  is the biggest word in the world. 

2: Nothing happens unless you make it happen. 

3: Fair  is a noun, and though there is a definition for it to be an adjective and an adverb, do not expect this to be the case in life.
In life, fair is a noun, it is a place where ones goes to eat cotton candy and go on rides. 

I hope you dance a little bit today! 

I totally hear you - Fear was my worst enemy when it came to quitting smoking.  The mere thought would terrify me.  How would I cope?  How can I possible go even one day without my smokes?  What would I do without them?  What do I do instead of smoke?

Then I realized, fear of ........what ?  I created the fear.  It was an irrational fear.  One that didn't really exist except in my own mind.  Well, in that case, if I created the fear, I can change that so call fear into power.        

My dog's name was Rascal. And what a rascal he was. He was a very independent Jack Russel but really loyal and listened to my commands. Was the only dog I have ever had in my life. He was my soul mate. I miss him cudgeling up to me like a baby.

Not having children of my own I loved him as I would have loved my own children. I am still going through the grief process. It's tough. Do I want to relieve these feelings with a cigarette? Absolutely not. 

Music is my savior, as a teenager I taught myself how to play several instruments. I settled on piano, guitar, banjo, harmonica. Played in several bands, country rock, hard rock, bluegrass and sang in the church choir. Today I listen to all kinds of music no less than 6 hours a day on Utube. I absolutely love it, sends shivers up my spine and at times motivates me to dance. People think I am crazy as I dance in the grocery store, when I am doing my daily walks and at home when nobody is looking.

Still going strong with my commitment to staying smoke-free however like Jertihe, I am dependent on my NRT, nicotine pouches. I still crave the smoke but repeat my mantra "I just don't smoke anymore" PERIOD. That works for me. 

Hope this post is finding you well. Talk to you later.

Good day,

Andrew

Love it Anne.

Yes! Transform it into power! 
Didn’t you also realise when you stopped the fear wasn’t as big as we made it out to be in our minds? You always hit the nail on the head when you speak to how things are in our minds and how we have the ability to change those thoughts around into something different and constructive. 
Feel like I’ve not seen you here for a bit. Did you have a vacation? 

Yup - just like most things, the fear was completely unwarranted and way over rated.....lol   What a joy that turned out to be.  Its like turning the tide on the bully  - once you face it, it shrivels.  

I check in here every day.  I don't always have time to post but I do check in every single day.  Keeps me grounded in my conviction to stay a non-smoker.

Cheers

I am dancing on my way back to work Lore- trying to wait out the next lozenge!

Thank you Anne

I sent you a private message - don't know if you got it. Here is a copy of it.

Four months ago. Same mindset, different day.
Thought you would enjoy reading this.
Andrew

Mar-12

Andrew....

I love this most recent post of yours. You are bang on. By continuing to smoke or use nicotine we are perpetuating the myth that it does something for us... When really it doesn't. Smoking does not make us smarter, kinder, stronger, wiser. Like you said... It just continues to affirm we are addicted. Being addicted to something is not smart nor is it wise or strong. Smokers are addicted to smoking because they believe they are benefitting from it in some twisted way. Like you said Andrew... We just have to go for what we really want. And when we start to do that, we will more than likely hit the bulls eye. Well said Andrew... Well said!

So I ask of you, everyone, what in life is it that you really want? Is smoking getting in the way of you doing the things you need to do to create the life you really want? Do you smoke to procastinate or avoid things you need to do? Do you use smoking as a crutch to deal with a problem or insecurity that you need to finally meet eye to eye with and address? If so, smoking is not helping to take care of any of the above. It further prevents us from going for the lives we want!

I used nicotine lozenges for almost 9 years everyday. Like Andrew said, no different than smoking cigarettes. But I am DONE. I am THROUGH with nicotine... Finally. I am going to finally GO for the life I have always wanted without the crutch or excuse of sucking on nicotine lozenges. Nicotine lozenges helped to give me a certain look and body image that I thought was ideal. Now I will finally eat healthy to get the body I want without using nicotine as an appetite supressant.

I will also start paying attention to other facets in my life... Insecurities and personal problems that i have that have nothing to do with my appearance. Nicotine lozenges and sucking on them served as my security blanket for almost 9 years. I looked a certain way due to my reliance on nicotine lozenges. Now I will go through a period of body changes and mental changes to achieve the life I want WITHOUT using nicotine to always look.... Put together and skinny and cute. If I don't look that way for a while... So be it!!! At least I will be living with more honesty and integrity!!!!

Thank you Andrew once again for reminding us of the big MYTH and LIE that smoking and using nicotine is!!! If we can all continue to hate on nicotine and what it did to us... Rather than hating on ourselves and turning back to it for help.... Then we will all continue to WIN the battle against smoking and using nicotine. Let's continue to hate on nicotine instead of ourselves. And let us finally put nicotine behind us so we can live with honesty and integrity towards the lives we want and we deserve!!!! God bless everyone.

You wrote me a few weeks ago

Hi Candrew,

I'm glad you are updating.

I will lend you my advice from my experience. I know that some people here found the lozenges helpful, so I cannot speak for everyone, but in my personal experience and the scientific viewpoint, weening yourself by using lozenges is just prolonging the withdrawal and can be torturous because you are starving your brain bit by bit instead of just cutting off the supply and start the healing and do the withdraw at once instead of suffering withdrawal over weeks.  Statistical evidence show that the patches/lozenges/pouches are not very successful at helping people to stop smoking, let alone getting them off nicotine.  

It's like telling an alcoholic to gradually drink less vodka every day until they ween off of alcohol. No difference.

My advice would be just cut it off.

Xvaper -

This was my response to the above post from you regarding the use of pouches to wean my addiction. Thanks for the wisdom.

You are right. I am only prolonging the inevitable. The final word in this whole process is accepting the fact that there is no other effective way to tackle this except to eliminate the nicotine 100% from my life. I have always known this to be the truth. It was the same with my dependence to alcohol some 5 years ago. "Half measures avail us nothing" as they say in AA. 

I wish there was an easier way to do it, but why torture myself any longer? Either make up my mind to X smoking (per your screen name Xvaper) or be prepared to continue on as if I don't care. Well, I do care, and I won't allow myself to give up. 

All the physical consequences are easy to accept but the mind games that us addicts play are lifelong challenges that can't be ignored even for the most disciplined. 

Again, I will pick a new date to stop all use of nicotine. That will be a commitment that I must make. No more excuses Andrew. Just do it and feel good about it.

There is no better time than the present.

Good day

Andrew