Stay smoke free

I hope I can start my quit soon. I am getting ready for it. I would say that 70% of the time I want to quit. The other 30% of the time I don't want to quit. Sometimes it's 60/40. To be honest, sometimes it's 50/50. All I know is that when I really do want to quit, it is a strong desire to. But the desire and the drive to quit leaves as soon as I begin to anticipate what withdrawal will feel like. I would like to quit deep down inside, though part of me deep down inside also does not want to quit. It is the sad truth about me. I admire everyone here who has been successful at quitting. This cutting down business is not helping me. I can cut down by four or five lozenges for like 3 days, and then after 3 days I am back up to 10 lozenges a day. Some days I even use 12 a day. It's a nightmare. I don't know how to stop being scared. I read the entire e-book Lore sent me. It motivated me, but sadly that still was not enough. I am going to have to come up with something new. I hate this.