In the shower I was doing some thinking. That's where I do most of my thinking.
I've been researching and researching and researching mythologies, cultures, and such. Different pantheons, looking for what I could call my Gods.
I was thinking about how the strongest spiritual experience I've had has been the Jaguar, my totem.
The thought occured to me, if I feel animal spirits stronger than human spirits, why am I trying to hard to find a God, a human spirit?
I found a totem, there are others I've felt before. Doesn't that make it right?
Can I let it be so simple? I always make things complicated.
And I thought, so I've felt animal spirits, where is the human spirit?
And I realized I am the human spirit for me, looking within myself because only I can create change in myself. Animal spirits and other people are guides, but they can't force me to change. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, you know?
If I must have a pantheon, can these be living people? After all, you don't worship the pantheon, you work with them to learn and grow. So if I work with others to learn and grow, is that not the same thing? If not, more equal because they are just as able to make mistakes as I am? I've learned more from talking to people and from considering my totem than I have sitting there asking Gods. It's not that I don't believe the Gods are real, its not that I have no respect for them, but, there are people I ask for help and people I don't. For example, this weekend I was talking to a woman named Turtle Lady and asked for her advice, but didn't ask the advice of the woman selling swords, or Turtle Lady's husband who does energy cleansing.
If this is true, that pantheons are just groups of spirits we turn to for aid, so far I would have...
Andrew (Lynx) as my consort. Obviously. :)
My parents have given me guidance in dealing with life, even though we are different religions. They could be the Mother and Father aspect.
My sister is the antagonist (Loki as a girl?) who's actions make me think and consider my actions compared to hers.
My Karate master is like Aries. :) Teaching me how to defend myself. At the same time there will be no change unless i come to class and try.
Then there are people I meet that liken to animal totems because they give me advice. For example, turtles are "ancient wisdom, experience, patience and endurance." Turtle woman is someone who's been studying healing all her life, she told me that my sister's most recent actions (I'll make another post for that) was a cry for help and gave me advice about dealing with my (bi-polar) sister without pushing her over the edge, and gave me a citrine-covered quartz to put under Sam's mattress to help her open her mind as she slept and think more clearly, and cheer her up. (I placed it there with a purple flourite, and Sam has been more manageable.)
And I lost my train of thought, damn television...