Living it! -  Why I Can be Such a D*ck Sometimes (80 views) Notify me whenever anyone posts in this discussion.Subscribe
From: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)12/29/03 12:29 AM 
To: All  (1 of 10) 
I just wrote this in reply to a private message criticizing something I said in the Pagan Spirit Gathering group at Yahoo Groups. Perhaps it needs to be said here, too...

"Why I Argue Hard"

Sometimes I come off a little strong and/or opinionated, here and in other groups. I know that. Although I may argue my position tooth and nail, it doesn't mean that I think I'm always right, because I know I'm not. It doesn't mean that I don't respect other people's positions, because I do.

Someone criticized me privately today, and I take what they said seriously. If I ever say anything that someone takes personally, please understand that I would never intentionally hurt someone's feelings or attack them as a person, however strongly I may argue for my point of view. If I do so, it is unintentional and, well, I'm just human, too. But there's reasons I now go to the wall for what I think is right - even knowing that no one has the complete truth or is ever 100% right on any subject.

I have learned to speak strongly for a reason. I've been in recovery from alcohol and cocaine abuse for many years, and have moved from sponsorship to being a 'trusted servant,' then to lay counseling, advocacy, and ministry at my UU church for the recovery and disability communities, and now I do advocacy work for a living as my personal way of trying to live my beliefs, however imperfectly. For years I used to be afraid to offend people. I tried so hard not to upset anyone. I made excuses for people and told them what I thought they wanted to hear. And they kept going out and getting drunk, and often not coming back to AA. But damn, everybody thought I was such a nice guy.

One day someone I had known for years called me drunk on their ass and high on crack, despite having over seven years of sobriety and being a respected group leader in my home AA group. I wasn't their sponsor, let alone a counselor, just a friend. He cried, and blamed it on his problems and pressures at work, his marriage, and other things. He told me he felt so guilty over losing all those years of sobriety. And so on and so forth.

I told him I understood, let him cry, and told him I might drink under those circumstances too. I told him to just go ahead and get it out of his system - when he was ready to get sober again, we'd still be there. And to go ahead and call me anytime, drunk or sober, whenever he wanted to talk. I suggested he go to an AA meeting when he got sober, but I didn't push it. You see, I didn't want to offend a friend. The last thing I said to him was, "I love you, man. Call me if you need me."

Two days later, he went driving in a blackout. He ran off the road, hit a woman, and kept on going. He woke up the next day to find blood and blonde hair on the smashed front end of his car, not knowing how it got there. Then he heard on the news about a hit and run accident the night before in his area, and he turned himself in. It was big news here, and was played up in the local press because of the scandalous circumstances - 'recovering' alcoholic while driving in a drunken blackout kills a poor innocent single mother of two young children out jogging; then blithely drives on, not even noticing her crumpled, bloody body there on the side of the road - killed like a dog. You get the idea.

Now that a couple of years have passed, I no longer think of my friend and his actions every single day. But I know in my heart whenever I do think about it that if I had been a hard ass, chewed him out, and had gone over to his house and done my best to drag him to a meeting...he probably wouldn't be serving life in prison for vehicular homicide. The woman would probably still be alive. Her two children would probably still have a mother. It's not my fault that woman died, and I do not blame myself anymore, but my days of letting things I think are wrong slide by with an easy word so as not to offend anyone are over.

And now, not usually at the time but months or years afterwards, I have people thank me for helping them change their lives for the better because I don't bullshit them or let them bullshit me. I do try to say, "I may be wrong, but..." as a start to criticism, and perhaps I need to do so more often here. I know I am not always right. I can and do make mistakes working with sponsees and in other areas of my life all the time, but I now prefer to err from speaking the truth as I see it, however mistakenly - and being prepared to make amends when necessary - rather than going along and being a nice guy. You see, someone probably died and two children's lives will never be the same because I just wanted to be a nice guy. Try walking around with that one on your conscience, asking yourself, "What if..." over and over, and see how it affects you.

If sometimes I'm a bit too much of a hard-ass, now you understand why. I'm still trying to find the balance. So if I offend anyone for any reason, please let me know so I can make whatever amends are necessary. If you think I'm wrong in something I say, point it out to me in as logical and positive a way as you can, and I will try to do the same. And if someone offends me by what or how they say something, I will try to cut them the same slack.

Because I really want people to point out to me when they think I'm wrong - even if I don't like it much at the time. Because, amazingly enough, sometimes by God/dess they ARE right and I am wrong, or being an ass, or whatever. And I'd rather be corrected and every once in a while manage to have the courage and honesty to try to change for the better in some small way than just go on being wrong. No matter how many times I need to be hit upside the head with a 2x4 before I finally get it.

Brightest blessings,

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From: Tarty (RAVENGIL) DelphiPlus Member Icon Posted by host12/29/03 2:29 AM 
To: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)  (2 of 10) 
 8751.2 in reply to 8751.1 

Wow.. don't know what else to say


From: Leanan_Sidhe (ALDYTH2)12/29/03 7:25 AM 
To: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)  (3 of 10) 
 8751.3 in reply to 8751.1 

('nuff said)

L o v e ,   L i g h t ,   a n d   L a u g h t e r   !

I'm not a bad witch...
 I'm a grumpy witch!

(mumble, mumble)

Aldyth's feels: The current mood of at

This universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * If you talk to the animals they will talk with you, and you will know each other. If you do not talk to them you will not know them, and what you do not know you will fear. What one fears, one destroys. - Chief Dan George * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Latest News... I am suffering from Non-linear waterfowl issues! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness. - Joseph Conrad

From: Kirsten (koshugi)12/29/03 8:06 AM 
To: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)  (4 of 10) 
 8751.4 in reply to 8751.1 
My husband has been in AA 16 years. I'm proud of you that you can voice your opinion so confidently now. Some people confuse defense of an arguement with a personal attack unfortunately. :/

From: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)12/29/03 1:45 PM 
To: Kirsten (koshugi)  (5 of 10) 
 8751.5 in reply to 8751.4 
What got me going...I am active in the Yahoo group for PSG (Pagan Spirit Gathering in Ohio the week of Summer Solstice). Someone read some of my posts, emailed me privately telling me what a great person I was, and wrote me four times in three days. In the course of a email, they told me about this GREAT Pagan artist that they would burn me a copy of their CD and send to me.

I asked tham not to - that I, as an artist, was against burning copywritten material and why I felt that way. They could do what they wanted for themselves, but I would look that artist up on line and buy the CD so as to support that artist.

I then received a long hate-flled diatribe about how I had made them feel like Jack the Ripper or Hitler, and that I was such a hypocrite for claiming to be so compassionate yet saying such terrible get the idea. I replied that it was only my opinion, and if they felt differently, again, do what they felt was right. But if it caused such an emotional response to be told that I felt that something they did was wrong and giving reasons why I thought that, perhaps they should think about why they had such a strong response.

Of course, they have now declared war, and are telling everyone what a jerk I am, how they will never buy anything from any band I have anything to do with, that I am an evil person and shouldn't have anything to do with the wonderful people at short, IMHO there is one disturbed person at work, and I feel sorry for them. However, enough flung mud WILL stick. So I wanted to make a point about WHY I make no bones when I think something is wrong - despite being all too aware of my own fallibility. I know that I AM often forceful and outspoken when I feel strongly about something - now you all know why.



From: Ralph (RBGlatt)12/29/03 4:04 PM 
To: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)  (6 of 10) 
 8751.6 in reply to 8751.5 
<\sarcasm> Oh, yes, you are the most horrifically evil person in all the world! You shouldn't be allowed to live around decent people! Imagine, telling someone that something they did was WRONG!!!</sarcasm>

The people who know and love you will always stick with you, and those that don't will get what they deserve. ;-)

Be your own hero.

From: Leanan_Sidhe (ALDYTH2)12/29/03 6:04 PM 
To: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)  (7 of 10) 
 8751.7 in reply to 8751.5 
Ummm... concidering that they burn and exchange CDs... would they, themselves have bought any of your music anyway? And if they did... no one else would! LOL

I always seem to find the ironic humor in a situation.

L o v e ,   L i g h t ,   a n d   L a u g h t e r   !

I'm not a bad witch...
 I'm a grumpy witch!

(mumble, mumble)

Aldyth's feels: The current mood of at

This universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * If you talk to the animals they will talk with you, and you will know each other. If you do not talk to them you will not know them, and what you do not know you will fear. What one fears, one destroys. - Chief Dan George * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Latest News... I am suffering from Non-linear waterfowl issues! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness. - Joseph Conrad

From: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)12/29/03 6:55 PM 
To: Leanan_Sidhe (ALDYTH2)  (8 of 10) 
 8751.8 in reply to 8751.7 
Yeah...I admit I have a pet peeve about burning CD's - if the band lets you do live taping and copying among fans, I think that's great. When someone duplicates a music CD released on a major label, a lot of folks go, "Well, it's the eveil record company I'm hurting." I'll agree, all major record lables are run by scum, and they are set up to screw the unwary young musicians with stars in their eyes. However, stealing from theives is still stealing (Robin Hood to the contrary), AND whatever small royalties the artist, writers, producer, etc. would have gotten from the lable scum are also now zero.

But when folks burn CDs from self-released artists (like every Pagan artist other than Stevie Nicks and suchlike - if you call them 'Pagan') they are directly stealing the artist's livelihood. I've had people in Virginia walk up and tell me how much they liked our CD - and then say "Yeah, a friend of mine had it, and a bunch of us burned copies!" And they just don't understand why that's wrong. I try not to get upset and pariently explain it in basic terms. I just don't know. Some nod their heads, some tell me that all intellectual property should be free (I guess that's because they aren't talented enough to create any themselves), and some kind of look shamefaced and say that they never thought of it that way. DUH!

But then, my engineering partner Mark probably has over 200 Kazaa-burned CDs. So it's HIS karma that's afflicting us (LOL)! All I can say is that anyone that argues with a fool is a bigger fool. So I'm over it. I'll just let the good Lord Karma do the Law of Returns shuffle on all the blatant copiers out there...someone will steal some of their stuff, one way or another.



From: Kirsten (koshugi)12/29/03 9:31 PM 
To: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)  (9 of 10) 
 8751.9 in reply to 8751.5 

From: Saffire (SAFFIREM)12/31/03 10:11 AM 
To: Bluehawk (Bluehawk9)  (10 of 10) 
 8751.10 in reply to 8751.1 
Thanks for sharing hon.. ~*(~*(~*(~Lar~)*~)*~)*~

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